Ghoster Part 5: Haunted

HE WAS THERE! He was there at the same event as I was attending to. He didn't know that I was there because I only saw his back. I knew it was him! The shirt he wore was similar to the shirt he wore on our first date. The bag was still the same bag he was sporting throughout all our dates. As I saw him from afar, he asked the security guard something and went somewhere inside the venue. My knees were trembling so much and my heart was racing so fast as I don't know what to do because I didn't expect him to be there especially the event would last until the evening. Like I said, he said he doesn't want to leave at night. What was happening!? I didn't have the courage to go immediately inside the venue. I had to recompose myself. That time, I knew I needed to call someone, so I decided to call my mother. As I call her, all I said in Tagalog was, "Ma! Nakakita ako ng multo!" My mom said my reaction was so real as if I saw a real ghost - because that's how you would probably react if you would see a real ghost right? Well, I do not have an actual experience of seeing a ghost so this is probably the nearest most irrational thing right? Lol! So when I told her who I saw, my mother calmed my nerves and begged that I should not hinder myself from attending just because I thought I was already okay - but I wasn't. I spent 1,100 peso for that event, you can't just put that on waste too. Also, it is your chance to clarify things should the opportunity strike that you would be able to see him face to face once again right? So I went to the bathroom praying to God that that everything will be alright because I never saw this coming. It came out of the left field. I am also glad that one of my colleagues was able to answer my call and calmed me down as I go up the elevator to go to the venue itself.

I don't know why was this happening to me. I am already okay with the idea of being ghosted by this guy without explaining the reason why. I thought I was ready to move forward to meet someone only to realize when I saw his back that maybe I wasn't. Imagine when I rode the Journey to the Center of the Earth at Tokyo Disney Sea almost six weeks ago (I know it wasn't as scary as Tower of Terror as my colleagues that were with me are not up to the task of riding those), I didn't feel anything even the scariest part of the ride - I didn't even scream. But my encounter, that doesn't involve any spinning, anticipation on falling down from the very top that most people were scared to feel whenever they rides those - I felt the horror in every core of my body. It's like if you would rather see a person that ghosted you or ride the scariest ride of all time - I think I might choose the later one. That's how scary it was for me.

Oh well... it is what it is. The only thing you could have done is to brace yourself and hope that you were still composed with yourself whenever you would be tasked on having a face to face with him - if ever that happens...

(To be continued)…

Ghoster Part 4: Back on Track... or Not?

Japan trip was over, my birthdays (Chinese and Western) were already celebrated... I learned more about attachment style theories and felt that I might be in a freezing state trying to get out of the funk...

I think I am doing well right now. I realized I just have to take this one day at the time. Already talked to a psychiatrist with Chinese ancestry hoping she would be able to help me navigate the problem I told her (which I think helped a lot and she told me that maybe I was underestimating myself way too much). Not only that, I realized that maybe it's not that you miss the person, it's just that you miss the times when you want to talk with someone about anything which cause you to have pangs to your chest. Which is why thanks to Heidi Priebe, I started to create my own version of my Google Docs. Instead of Heidi Priebe's version wherein she would write to the Google Docs on what she wanted to say to an specific person, I wrote it for my future husband without knowing who that person is. By doing it that way, I realized that I was starting to get better and looked forward to writing stories to him. Who knows maybe one day if I would end up getting married to him, he would learn all the things I wanted to tell him if only he came earlier (but of course we shouldn't be able to rush things - as the saying goes, in God's perfect time.)

Then there's this Filipino-Chinese singles event I decided to attend to. I don't know what to expect. It's just that I know I would be meeting new people and hoping that he wouldn't be there. I mean it would last until the evening. He does not go out that late anyway so if ever I would be meeting someone from the past, that would be cool, but I wouldn't be bothered by it. Also, the age range is so favorable for me. Imagine ages 30 to 50. That means people in there are most probably older than me then hope that the girls in there are also older than you so you would have a fighting chance. Lol!

So the day comes... I was preparing everything that needs to be done and get ready for the event. All dress in black with matching heels (of course we got to weed out guys who were shorter than me or entertain guys who are still taller than you despite wearing heels). Then also placed the love charm on the black bag that my friend gave me for my birthday gift a few years ago.

I rode Grab not knowing what to expect and hoping for the best on a rainy Sunday afternoon. As the Grab driver dropped me off in the location, I saw a gold Innova car, the same car he was driving but I just knew it was just one of the gold Innova cars I just saw that was about to enter the parking entrance of the venue which is just one of the passing thoughts you had and hoping you find the one for you there. Until I shifted my eyes towards the venue's entrance, I saw the style of clothing of a person that seems familiar and then saw the bag the person was sporting was very familiar too... That's the time my heart was racing as fast as a Shinkansen Bullet Train and my whole body trembled...

(To be continued) …

Ghoster Part 3: Honesty Letter

Our company trip to Japan is fast approaching - in fact the flight is already tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to do was still have these sort of confusion or feelings in relation to him that my mind knows it doesn't matter at this point. These past few weeks I realized that I was lying to someone - MYSELF.

They say honesty is the best policy, you can lie to other people about how you feel about a certain person, but at the end of the day, if you cannot be honest with how you feel, you would feel more pain, more loneliness and unwanted emotion. Suppressed emotions and denying your feelings to a person you chose to care would make me have a hard time moving forward from you.

So here is me saying that yes, I think I may not 100% admit that I have feelings for you, because I knew deep in my heart I treated you differently compared to the guys I dated. It is only you I decided to be prepared to get hurt as long as I make sure I wouldn't be the one hurting you. It was just that I didn't expect to be this painful especially when I prepared myself cleaning all the possible emotional baggage from the past just to make sure I prepare myself for the next one - which happened to be you. You that I never thought in my wildest imagination that I would date - someone who is younger than me. You when I felt that you might be so inexperienced, made sure that you wouldn't be traumatized with whatever would happen between us. At least when the ending occurred that we didn't work out, deep inside my heart it was a personal mission that was accomplished that I didn't hurt you - you left on your own terms with multiple possible reasons that I may never get an answer from.

I guess I want to say if there is something I learned, something you taught me or the reason why you came was probably because it allowed me to know myself more and what I am capable to do that I never imagined. Foolish as some people would eventually say, but perhaps this is what I probably needed to prepare myself for the next one. Who knew that I chose to care, love or consider your feelings? Who knew that by revealing my condition, I bared my whole genetic makeup to you - which I would never know if you're okay with that or not. At the end of the day, losing you showed how courageous and brave I could be to be honest to you even if it meant goodbye. That I chose to hold on even if the supposed red flags are there. I believed it was more of an orange flag because orange flags are flags that you wish they would do or had but it was not bad enough that it would compromise your core values. Yesterday when my dad told me that I did my part, I realized that maybe our goals aren't aligned in the first place. I meet you hoping you would be my first while you probably did this for your mother's sake.

And that is where the issue arises, because you do it to please your mother, you have a different tolerance level, you would have a little to no commitment in getting to know more about me. Because of that, every small pet peeve or info I give to you that contradicts you and your preference would automatically make you uneasy. Aside from this, if you felt that I was about to penetrate your feelings, the easiest way was to escape. Meanwhile I on the other hand saw that you are almost a carbon copy of my youngest brother. Then I felt you didn't care for your mom enough - or perhaps help her with household chores. So the orange flags, I was trying to see if I can survive to be with you after all love is not purely passion, it takes commitment too - commitment in trying to get to know the person and trying to make it work.

I am writing this so I can move forward and be fair to the next person and to myself. maybe I did love  you because I felt the effort and care I gave is so crazy for my standards. I will admit that I am not closing the door but I know that there is a world in front of me to discover and explore. If fate allowed us to be together, so be it. For the time being, I'm sure one day you will just be a passing story. One day I will understand that I deserve to be loved and accepted the way I am. One day I will understand that perhaps being with you for eternity is a bad idea and one day when the right man comes for me, I will then understand that everything makes sense now.

I hope and pray that you will find someone you will love and also for that person who is willing to love and care for your mother because dear Lord, I pity your mother. The sad part is, I wouldn't be the one to do that part of loving and taking care of her so I hope one day it will dawn on you that you need to find someone who will love and will love you back and your mother too.

(To be continued) …

Ghoster Part 2: Root Cause

I don't know how come for some reason I decided to read Ronald Molmisa's Lovestruck Series "Shanaba" edition a month ago. I read all of his Lovestruck Series because it is really, really valuable. I think if I'm not mistaken I started reading the Lovestruck Series ever since I bought the "Singles Edition" around 8 years ago. I read it wondering if it was really him, like "Sha na nga ba?".

If I learned something it's like sometimes when we read something, our emotions are on different state at that point in time. So if we read the same book again, we would understand it in a different way because of time, experience and our state of emotions that time. Rereading the book allowed me to learn about attachment style. I realized the terms has been used for a long time, it's just that it was only prevalent now. Looking back now, I also realized he really wasn't my "Sha na nga" based on the book.

Enter attachment theory. So I took an exam to see and wonder if I am having an insecure attachment style, what was it? I realized that the results although it may seem I have a secure one in general, if I break down in terms of my relationship with my parents, people in general and relationships/dating, I had the same results except my relationship/dating aspect showed that I had an disorganized attachment.

Because of the disorganized attachment style I learned that I thought I have, I started watching YouTube videos of Heidi Priebe and read articles in relation to those. I realized that I have bigger issues to solve because I realized with the dating history I had that I wouldn't be able to solve the problem quickly. Not only did I have one insecure attachment that would allow you to practice doing the opposite way, but I had two insecure attachment style merged into one body. So when I kept on asking myself what am I doing wrong in every date I had? It's like you kept on studying, taking test and you still failed. Which made me realize that whenever I do the opposite, the other insecure attachment style will show up. So if I backtracked on what happened with each of my dating history that lasted more than a month, I learned that I've been dealing with the same issues it was just that I try to approach things differently hoping for a different result, but the end was still the same - I failed or it didn't work out.

Knowing what I needed to do, just hope and pray that I would be able to address the root cause of the problem so that I would know what to do whenever the next one comes.

Still, I can't figure out why my feelings are still not at ease and there were times I still wanted to cry...

(To be continued)…

Ghoster Part 1: Aftershock

Ghoster is a spin-off story of Looks and Brains. The ending of Looks and Brains had a hashtag of "Chapter Closed", but because of some unexpected encounter in my life, I have to write a spin off of this book entitled Ghoster.

After the matchmaker officially said it's over that you were no longer interested, I wasn't like really surprised about it. I also knew that the after effects of coping with it is no easy feat. It's like relearning your routine prior to your inexistence. Not only that, being a first time ghostee, you don't know how it really feels until you experience it to yourself firsthand. If there is a positive thing about this instance was that the matchmaker is your like safety net of making sure that you are not totally ghosted because the person can ghost you, but you can never ghost a matchmaker, because if you do that, you are doing disservice to their business and they can immediately cut losses with you as you are not cooperating with them as their client.

I thought I was ready to brace the storm whoever the next one would be, but I was absolutely dead wrong about this matter. I thought that I had the ability to suddenly shut off my feelings towards a person without crying or feeling bad about it. I said this because I knew I did it before, I was so proud of what I did except what I failed to take account was the difference of the circumstance and the person itself. After all, you can't use the same strategy to a different person. What works in one person, doesn't work in another. I kept on telling people how I was able to shut off my feelings and survive almost two years of being in a situationship without falling for them and when I was done and leave, they asked me to give it a chance and I refused.

However this one, it's like I was prepared for the departmental exams only to realize when you saw the questionnaire that the professor never taught you the topics you need to know while professors from other classes were able to teach their students that same topic. Or it's like you prepared yourself months ahead for an performance exam where all the practices and minor performances that you did in each and every aspect of your dating life was put all in one major performance exam - unfortunately you flunked big time. Flunked in the sense you got the same results as your previous minor exams but even a bigger blow.

I could be able to reason out each and every dating failures I had that end up me crying. However with this one, I cannot comprehend the reason why no matter how much logic you would like to put into it, I just cannot understand why I cannot make the feelings go away. I try my best knowing that these are similar failures that I had in the past, except it wasn't because the situation is different, the manner on how it ended is different. You were ghosted...

(To be Continued)…

Looks and Brains Part 4: I Tried My Best, but My Best Wasn't Good Enough - and It's Alright

 I tried my best, I took the biggest risk I have ever imagined I'm doing, but it wasn't good enough.

Matchmaker confirmed that you are no longer interested in communicating with me. I cannot blame you since you only did what is best for you. I would never know if the crucial information I disclosed to you was the main reason or if it was the one that cement your decision that you were no longer interested in seeing me.

It was unfortunate that despite thinking that the last time we met was a happy one without any form of being pissed with one another - or I might be wrong about this.

Looking back on the notes I created about you, I can say that I did my part not making you hurt even if it meant that I was going to be the one ending up being hurt. I didn't expect to be hurt this bad though. Meeting you was indeed a refreshing experience. It was fun while it lasted that's for sure. At least I was finally able to go to some place that I wanted to go to for a long time.

I know personally sending you a last goodbye message would not be advisable - nor you would even dare to read it. I might even be muted or blocked from your contacts. What is important was that the matchmaker gave me the closure I needed even if you ghosted me. So here I am posting it here - for my sake. So that I could move on faster - because who knows if the one for me is right in the corner.

So here the what would be letter goes:

I don't know if the crucial info I disclosed to you was the deal breaker or it was the one that cements your decision to be no longer interested in me. I cannot blame you with your decision nor I am aware that this is the harsh reality that I need to face from hereon out. That not everyone is going to be open and aware in the situation that I am in to. I know that I didn't want it to happen to myself either, but it is what it is. I am not saying you are closed-minded because to each of his own and with how your life has gone through - this is a difficult thing for you to face with me. Why? Because you have always got things the easy way - while I have to struggle in each and every milestone I had in my life. Heck, I even have to swore to the NBI personnel that I didn't commit a slight physical injury onto someone just to get my NBI clearance - meanwhile you got your clearance smoothly.

Even if we didn't end up together, I would still like to say thank you for everything and wishing you the best!

I am positive that you would eventually meet someone you like or someone you are well-matched with. Perhaps the doctor that the matchmaker was informing my mom who is probably way more successful and younger than me and you might be someone they need to help take over their family business.

I am not sour-grapping, but I wondered if I don't end up with you, why does it have to take for almost three months instead of a quick one month or less? I realized that time allows you to see the preview of what you could have been if we would end up together. If time was quick, I would have created more what ifs. If I am wondering now, I might be wondering more back then. But I think almost three months of communicating with you already gave me enough insight that it's going to be a messy one in the long run. Messy in the sense that even if I wasn't pissed off every time we go out together, more time spent together and the answers to my questions would make me realized that we are not going to be a good match.

I kept on telling people that you might be the biggest what if of my life if I don't take a huge risk in getting to know you. Now the chapter has ended, at least I am at peace knowing that I held on until the end, knowing that I took risks that I have never imagined like telling the matchmaker that I am starting to have interest in you. Lastly, to explore the option of dating someone younger than me for the first time in my entire existence.

I don't know if I would be open on dating someone younger again - but of course given a choice, I would revert to sticking to my criteria. After all, I can tell to people, I tried, it just didn't work out.

Again, I hope the best for you and also for me.

Thank you and goodbye.

#ChapterClosed

Looks and Brains Part 3: I Think I Now Know Why You Came

I have been wondering why did you come into my life at such a weird time. If you're going to be just another stopover in my series of stopovers until I reach my final destination, what are you going to teach me? It's going to be three months soon that I get to know you. Mind you this is not during the actual pandemic lockdown wherein you couldn't see each other so you gotta invest in written communication. So seeing you in person would be possible. If I use this as a barometer of the guys I went out with pre-COVID, you would probably be the longest guy I communicated and met.

And last night or at dawn, I just realized what my dream meant two nights ago. I realized that this is not directly something to do with you literally teaching me something that would again lead me to get hurt in order for me to learn the harsh reality. I realized that because you present a different angle compared the guys I met before, you are making me feel or realize things that I have or couldn't imagined that would happen to me.

I have always thought that I was the better one between me and the guy I was then seeing. Then you came and I realized that every advantage I thought I had was now gone. But the funny thing was despite losing the advantage and with me dropping the crucial bomb that would make anybody ran away in my opinion, you chose to choose to still see me (thought I'm not sure if dropping the deal-breaker bomb would make you ran away and never see me though - to be determined). You indirectly taking away the advantages I get used to, which made me vulnerable. It's like I experienced unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I never had before. It's like you've unlock an aspect of myself that I didn't know that I had problem to deal with.

So right now, this is not a matter how would you treat me because I realize whatever you were thinking or planning would not solve my insecurities or the thoughts that were troubling me. Only I can figure this out, I have to find ways how to improve upon this because whether I end up with you or not, if I don't give myself enough assurance, confidence and love to myself, whatever you or somebody else would offer me would be worthless.

This is now a battle of my negative thoughts and feelings and how to make me see that despite my perceived advantages being taken away by you, there must be something you saw in me that I might never understood until I get enough courage to ask - and also if we reached a point in time wherein things go well.

(To be Continued)...