Our company trip to Japan is fast approaching - in fact the flight is already tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to do was still have these sort of confusion or feelings in relation to him that my mind knows it doesn't matter at this point. These past few weeks I realized that I was lying to someone - MYSELF.
They say honesty is the best policy, you can lie to other people about how you feel about a certain person, but at the end of the day, if you cannot be honest with how you feel, you would feel more pain, more loneliness and unwanted emotion. Suppressed emotions and denying your feelings to a person you chose to care would make me have a hard time moving forward from you.
So here is me saying that yes, I think I may not 100% admit that I have feelings for you, because I knew deep in my heart I treated you differently compared to the guys I dated. It is only you I decided to be prepared to get hurt as long as I make sure I wouldn't be the one hurting you. It was just that I didn't expect to be this painful especially when I prepared myself cleaning all the possible emotional baggage from the past just to make sure I prepare myself for the next one - which happened to be you. You that I never thought in my wildest imagination that I would date - someone who is younger than me. You when I felt that you might be so inexperienced, made sure that you wouldn't be traumatized with whatever would happen between us. At least when the ending occurred that we didn't work out, deep inside my heart it was a personal mission that was accomplished that I didn't hurt you - you left on your own terms with multiple possible reasons that I may never get an answer from.
I guess I want to say if there is something I learned, something you taught me or the reason why you came was probably because it allowed me to know myself more and what I am capable to do that I never imagined. Foolish as some people would eventually say, but perhaps this is what I probably needed to prepare myself for the next one. Who knew that I chose to care, love or consider your feelings? Who knew that by revealing my condition, I bared my whole genetic makeup to you - which I would never know if you're okay with that or not. At the end of the day, losing you showed how courageous and brave I could be to be honest to you even if it meant goodbye. That I chose to hold on even if the supposed red flags are there. I believed it was more of an orange flag because orange flags are flags that you wish they would do or had but it was not bad enough that it would compromise your core values. Yesterday when my dad told me that I did my part, I realized that maybe our goals aren't aligned in the first place. I meet you hoping you would be my first while you probably did this for your mother's sake.
And that is where the issue arises, because you do it to please your mother, you have a different tolerance level, you would have a little to no commitment in getting to know more about me. Because of that, every small pet peeve or info I give to you that contradicts you and your preference would automatically make you uneasy. Aside from this, if you felt that I was about to penetrate your feelings, the easiest way was to escape. Meanwhile I on the other hand saw that you are almost a carbon copy of my youngest brother. Then I felt you didn't care for your mom enough - or perhaps help her with household chores. So the orange flags, I was trying to see if I can survive to be with you after all love is not purely passion, it takes commitment too - commitment in trying to get to know the person and trying to make it work.
I am writing this so I can move forward and be fair to the next person and to myself. maybe I did love you because I felt the effort and care I gave is so crazy for my standards. I will admit that I am not closing the door but I know that there is a world in front of me to discover and explore. If fate allowed us to be together, so be it. For the time being, I'm sure one day you will just be a passing story. One day I will understand that I deserve to be loved and accepted the way I am. One day I will understand that perhaps being with you for eternity is a bad idea and one day when the right man comes for me, I will then understand that everything makes sense now.
I hope and pray that you will find someone you will love and also for that person who is willing to love and care for your mother because dear Lord, I pity your mother. The sad part is, I wouldn't be the one to do that part of loving and taking care of her so I hope one day it will dawn on you that you need to find someone who will love and will love you back and your mother too.
(To be continued) …
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