Deadlock: Love vs Luck

As various Filipino-Chinese communities were celebrating the Mid-Autumn festival, there's one thing that most of the typical Filipino-Chinese cannot miss out aside from the mooncakes - the Dice Game or the "Pua Tiong Tsiu".

Prior to the pandemic, the only dice game I have was from my mom's side of the family - and that's all I went into until I started to join the Filipino-Chinese community where they hosted a lot of various dice games.

Year after year, there's one thing you've been wondering, when will you get the first prize (狀元). It's like for some winning the first prize or the 狀元 seem to be a normal thing, but for me, it was really, really hard to come by probably to the point if you got a 2nd place, you learn to be happy about it.

Until there is this one time around 2024 for some reason my 三嬸 gave me and my mom bracelets for us to choose from. I was the one who chose first (as my mom was not in the house that time) and wore it on the dice game event I'm attending. 

During that time, I got my first 狀元. The problem: The combination was actually high enough (five 1s), but not high enough to beat the highest roller which is five 4s. I took a picture (like what every 狀元 does whenever they won) since that was my first time getting that combination. Then came another event on the same year, I got another one. However, one die popped out of the bowl (which disqualified me from being considered 狀元), but the fact that I produced a four 4s meant whatever number the die was outside the bowl, I had a chance to win it. I just didn't feel bad that time since the die that was outside the bowl wouldn't be enough to beat the highest roller. Then I start to realize, that there is something about the bracelet that aided me to roll my first unofficial 狀元. I only found out that the bracelet I chose was a lucky cat on a jade-colored one.

Then came last year, I kind of notice that there's something about the bracelet, that's why I start wearing it whenever I'll attend a dice game. So when I rolled again, the 狀元 came out once again. It's a 4s and a 10 (that means four 4s and the remaining two dice totaled 10. However the problem in this game was somebody got a higher combination after I pulled it off, which means I know experienced both sides of not winning it all despite the chance of having one.

I think that that point, I jokingly wondered which would be more painful, when you pulled a combination that wasn't high enough to beat the highest roller or you thought you had it in your bag when suddenly somebody took a higher roll and they eventually won the bag.

This year, as the dice game season comes once again, which is also the obvious talk of the town among various Filipino-Chinese groups, there was this one person who even said in our group chat that he only goes to dice game events or activities if it's free as if he's showing to us that he doesn't need to pay to win. It's like he goes to a dice game event and he would win the first prize. It's like winning that becomes a norm for him.

I think at one point I even said in the group chat jokingly, you know I don't know which would come first in my life, winning the official 狀元 or having my first relationship because both things seem to be hard to come by in my life.

It's funny because I felt like both are impossible in the sense that on one end, you could force things (like agree to be in a relationship with the guys that courted you), or you depend on luck that the combination you need to win would happen.

Then last September 27, 2026 on one fateful afternoon, I FINALLY got my first 狀元! A 狀元 where nobody got a higher or even lower combination of all possible 狀元.

Not only that, exactly one week after, one of our friends who owns a coffee shop wanted to organize one. So we decided to support her and viola! I got another 狀元 all in a span of 1 week. 

My First 狀元

My Second 狀元

As I am writing this, I'm starting to wonder if the change of time allowed me to win or not as most of the dice game events I've attended to were usually on the evening and the two 狀元s that I won were both in the afternoon. But then, I also played in the afternoon where I didn't get the first prize, so I guess it still just depends. 

Then for some funny reason, there was this one instance where I'm just planning to bade goodbye to one of the female friends I met in the community as our table is already finished rolling (which I didn't win - but that's okay as I got all the prizes that I want plus I even won a raffle in that event), when I saw it's her turn to roll, I just stood behind her while she roll the dice. As she rolled the dice, she got the 狀元 on their table and that's the time the 狀元 came out on their table! The dice game combination that she got was actually five 4s - a combination that I never got. That girl and another guy who is also our friend actually saw what transpired and when this girl turned around as I bade my goodbye, we were all laughing about it as this girl said it seems like I was her luck charm that day. The guy even said in another group chat that if people want to get lucky in the game, they better stick with me. 😂

So to answer my on-going question in life, I guess I finally had my answer on which comes first in my life between two impossible scenarios - which is luck.

As for love, I don't know what would happen to that aspect. Maybe just maybe if one of the impossible things or droughts come to an end, maybe in due time my drought for my singleness would end not because I forced myself to end it, but it is naturally time to end. Just like how the drought of me not getting the 狀元 finally ended.

Mahjong Galore

My first official mahjong game.

Mahjong is something that you always thought was a game for adults... specifically older people per se. However as things were changing, there are more and more people who are interested in playing this game. There are even various events who were hosting it. As for me, all I could do was to observe from afar wondering how this game was played. I only played it once before when I was younger and our neighbor taught us how to play the game.

Now, I was chatting with one of the friends I met in the community, we were both interested in playing the game, but we also acknowledged that we don't know how to play the game and we do not want to be the cause of headache from the other people who were already probably experts at playing the game. When we first saw some events organizing this, both of us felt that the price was too steep (around 2000 pesos) for the just for fun and we needed to find more people to play the game. As we know, mahjong needed four people in order to play the game.

Then came last month I saw a mahjong event where it would held on one of my MBA classmates' café and it's very accessible to my home - even if it's on a weeknight. When I check the rates, I told my friend in the community that it was a good rate. Imagine 500 pesos each and you already have a free drink, then you play for around 3 hours provided we could find 4 people to play with.

I already know that my friend was definitely on board, so I contacted our mutual friend who happened to be his co-teacher and my high school classmate. He too is on board and finally I contacted my MBA classmate who also knows the owner of the café and she agreed.

Now, the event finally arrives where the organizers started to teach us how to play. From an observation point of view, you would have an idea that it's either you win by finding the same tiles or the consecutive tiles. However, I didn't know that a pair exists to win the game and how do you organize a tile set plus you can skip people's turn if somebody discard a tile that you need.

On my first game, it's not a surprise that I definitely struggled because I don't know when you draw a tile or get a tile from a recently discarded pile. As our team is finally complete, we started playing while introducing my MBA friend to the friend I met in one of the community events and my high school classmate. I felt like I got the hang of the game, but for some reason I'm usually a piece away from winning while somebody else finally won the game. I think out of eight rounds, I only won once. What's even funnier about it was my MBA friend, who is of pure Filipino origin, playing a Chinese version of mahjong received the most chips. Mind you she needed a guide and would take her longer to know which tiles were thrown while the three of us were mentioning the words in Chinese characters like the Chinese directions, 中 and 發. 

In the end we all enjoyed the game because for me the more I get the hand of the game, maybe... just maybe if there's someone especially the elders who wanted to play, I can offer myself to play the game now. I just realized as I saw some reels on Instagram that there seems to be a lot of variation, and I wanted to know other variations because what was taught to us was not what I normally saw on the shorts.

Then a month after my first mahjong activity, there was another mahjong game from another organizer which was shared by another person I met in the same community, the price seem to be a bit steep for the time allocated, but I'm really curious as I saw they were doing a double stacking and that's what I wanted to know. So I registered on my own only to find out that what we were playing is a Filipino version of mahjong where the Chinese directions, the squares, 中 and 發 are all part of flower/bonus tiles. Not only that, one of the people I met in the community was also there. We both didn't know that we would be attending the event and we also met new people outside of our community by ethnicity but we are joined because of our interest in playing the game.

My mahjong winning tiles from yesterday.

In this version, it seems like luck is on my favor, I was getting favorable tiles. I am not sure if it's because there are a lot of bonus tiles to exchange from. It's crazy that it's my first time to encounter a "Kung" where I got 4 tiles of the same kind.

Not only that, I managed to win four out of seven rounds. Which I think it's pretty remarkable and perhaps shocking.

As much as I wanted to stay as the organizer haven't told us to leave since our time was up, I had to leave as I have to attend mass with my mom. I mean if I knew that I could stay until 6pm, I would have attended the Sunday mass instead.

In this event, it was nice that I get to know more people outside my race but who have the same passion or interest. I think the only sort of community I had was rooting for the same team in the NBA, even that it's hard to penetrate where all of you are rooting for the same team since I'm not as die hard as them who would follow and analyze their plays.

Now... on to the automatic mahjong tables. When? I don't know, but I think I would be looking forward to playing that kind of game and probably meet new people which doesn't necessarily mean that you would have a prospective relationship with them.

All I can say that yesterday's mahjong activity was fun as I not only get to know people more, but also knew a different version and a different way on how to win the game.

I've Finally Eaten Balot!

For three and a half decade, I managed to escape from something that I could dodge - eating balot or in English, the fertilized duck egg.

Normally people, especially my colleagues would be wondering or probably shocked why have I not eaten those yet. One colleague before even said that one day she will bring some for me to try - that day never came as she already resigned from the company.

Then up until this day, the admin head wanted to make sure that I would really try it, and she really did buy some for me to try. By then I had no way to escape but to really try tasting them.

I tasted them for the first time. 

My verdict: If you are into visuals or aesthetics, balot wouldn't be something you might fall in love based on sight with but when taste, you would like it. I guess similar to durian wherein people kept saying it's smelly but its delcious.

So for me, I guess because I'm so sensitive to the sensory visuals, so I would really be having a hard time appreciating it. As my department VP had told us when it comes to kimchi, it's like an acquired taste. Similar to some dishes wherein our tastebuds got used to it even if it looks icky to others.

If you ask me if I want to try it again, I would tell you no, but at least I can now say... I finally eaten balot! 😆

Coffee Drinking Spree: The Experience of Drinking Coffee as an Adult

It's the time of the year in the Filipino-Chinese community wherein they do this tours exclusively for Filipino-Chinese to mingle, make friends and hoping that the one for you is there. I mean that's what I remember from the first time I attended their tour where one of the friends I invited on the inaugural trip asked one of the fellow participants out on a date (but unfortunately it only lasted for one date)

Last year I wasn't able to join them as their trip overlapped to my trip in Toronto. So this year, I have zero plans on going out of the country. I think the last time I intentionally planned was my Canada trip, but other than that it's more of I was dragged to join by people or a family or the company will sponsor the trip. So this year this same organizer decided to travel to Vietnam. Oh, there's no fuel price increase involved yet when they announced it. My mind was like okay I know it's somehow affordable, but aside from Korea, Vietnam is also one of the countries where somebody would have to drag my feet at will or maybe somebody will be willing to pay it for free in order for me to go there. I know Vietnam has been the talk of town. Even my sister-in-law wanted to have their honeymoon there with my brother.

The problem: Food. I don't like beansprouts and I don't drink coffee (which is their specialty), but yes I still eat coffee jelly and mocha cake if those count as coffee. My pho experience in the Philippines was so unpleasant before because who knows if the people there would include beansprouts on the pho by default like some restaurants. Then when I ate at Pho Hoa, I saw that they separated the beansprouts from the pho. I was like Thank God! I mean I would still eat the beansprouts because it would be a waste if it isn't it's just that that time my friend love those so I happily gave it to her as I don't need to suffer the dread of eating beansprouts. Same when I was in Canada where my relatives there were so into pho that I end up violating my Lenten sacrifice of not eating meat since beef is their specialty and it would probably be the last time I would go there (or if I could it would take an eternity) of course I'm glad that they also separated it that my cousin maybe got weirded out on why I started to eat those raw before eating pho. I said I don't like beansprouts so I ate it first. At least I have an idea that some restaurants serve them separately, but of course gambling in a foreign country is a different story.

As for the coffee, I know I have a bad experience about it since there was one time when I'm 13 years old where everybody who would join the perennial study tour in China would have to attend their breakfast a few days before our trip to China. They only served us coffee and I'm probably too shy to ask for a water to drink. When I tasted the coffee, I didn't like the taste (I guess that's obvious when you're young and you associate coffee as for old people and kids are for sweets). So I grew up not drinking coffee.

So the dilemma, there is money, it's affordable, but I guess my trauma from the mandatory shops during my last trip in China didn't make me at ease because the last time you wanted to do was to spend an unnecessary amount of money on the things that you don't want to avail in the first place. I mean if it's affordable, there's a high chance that a mandatory shop is involved - which is expected given that it's actually better for the organizers to have a tour instead of doing DIY.

What I initially did was to send the sample itinerary to the people who I knew already went to Vietnam and asked them about the beansprouts because I think that's a cause of concern rather than the coffee. They said they don't mix the beansprouts and pho together. If ever they do that, they told me I could always tell them not to mix it. Then when I realized that the single supplement is so cheap by PH standards, I feel like it's a good opportunity to experience sleeping alone in a hotel abroad now rather than doing it in another country that costs a lot more. I just feel like with my previous experience in mandatory shops, I am now well-armed on how to dodge falling on buying from the mandatory shops unless I am fully aware about what I'm doing.

Eventually I joined them armed with knowing that I can dodge eating beansprouts while pondering whether I would drink their coffee there or not... and I decided I will.

When I told people that I'll drink their coffee, my colleagues were worried that I might not sleep well if I drink their Vietnamese Coffee especially someone who never drank that much coffee in their life. I was like okay let's see.

And so the coffee drinking spree began. So whenever there's a coffee or a free coffee, I drank it whatever kind I guess.

If I would evaluate on my experience of drinking black coffee or any form of coffee in general during my trip in Vietnam, I think I realized that it's like drinking some of the Japanese teas that tasted like coffee as part of their complimentary drinks at the Japanese restaurants. I think that's what my taste buds picked up based on my experience. About the whether I could sleep at night or not, so far I was able to sleep at night. I am not sure if it's because I timely drank it and my servings are tolerable. I mean the first weekend that I came back from Vietnam, I even drank a Barako coffee when I joined the praycation with the Fil-Chi Catholic community that I'm part of.

Maybe if there is some realization in coffee or caffeine it's the aftermath of the trip was that eight years ago, the matcha latte that I drank quite late at night was not because the tea or powder is old that caused my palpitations, it's that I realized I am a person who cannot drink caffeine late in the evening even if I just drank tea. It took another set of overtime and entering the night-differential mode working with our CEO that made me realized that I am someone who can't drink anything caffeinated very late at night. When I start palpitating past midnight, I knew that the matcha latte I ordered before wasn't a one-off thing, it's real that my body cannot drink any caffeine at night.

I guess that's why people say coffee reacts differently towards a person. I think similar to every dish, every body would react differently towards it. Some would want it, but can't have it. Some can have it but doesn't want it, while some want it and can have it.

If I would drink coffee again? I mean I don't know. But I would still drink tea, it's just that I now know until what time I'm allowed to drink tea if I don't want to have palpitations out of nowhere. I guess it's true that as you grow older, you don't like to eat a lot of sweets and you are more okay or comfortable with the idea that maybe tasting a little bitterness is fine - or maybe what you thought its bitter it's not something bitter at all. Maybe if I would answer that Dalai Lama question again about what I would associate coffee to, chances are my answer is going to be different this time.

A Consoling Trophy for the Broken Heart?

My personal reflection as the Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball 2025-2026 season has ended as I am now looking forward towards the end of regular season and to watch the Spurs finally back to the playoffs after so many years.

For two straight fantasy basketball seasons that I played in this league, I got my butt kicked by the same manager in the league where I was assigned the commissioner. The first one when he knocked me out of the bronze medal game and the other one in the first round of the playoffs. I guess battling for the first round of the fantasy playoffs in a foreign country doesn't help to change my fortune.

Before the start of this fantasy season, I felt like I needed to do something different to get that gold trophy once more... And also to my other league where I gained a friend there to finally get the gold trophy and not just be a bridesmaid every time I get a chance to draft my own players in the league where he is the commissioner.

However, I can only manage to draft in one league, where I got my butt kicked for two consecutive times by the same guy. While I told my online friend that I cannot draft wisely if they are going to do the draft in the middle of my working hours [time zone difference]. So he has to remove me from his league [but of course we're still good friends in talking terms].

And so the draft day begins... I felt like the draft for this season was more difficult than ever. Not only we were 20 teams, but there are a lot of good players who are out for a long term due to injury such as Tyrese Haliburton, Jayson Tatum, Damian Lillard, Kyrie Irving, etc. So out of those, you would be wondering who would be left especially when I got the lowest possible draft ever. 15!

Who would I be getting at 15? In other leagues, that's equivalent to a 2nd round guy or sometimes 3rd round guy in shallow leagues.

Based on the projections, my heart was choosing Domantas Sabonis or Alpren Sengun. I really liked the idea of having a non-point guard as my first pick as I felt it's easier to find a point guard later in the rounds. Unless of course it's Shai Gilgeous Alexander or Luka Doncic that we're talking about... Or even Cade Cunningham. I know last year I took Domantas Sabonis as my first pick and it didn't end well in the sense he wasn't there or injured at the wrong time (together with Chet Holmgren) to help anchor my team into getting out of the first round especially I knew that the score was extremely close and the opponent had to sacrifice a key player just to stream that player's spot. So I wasn't sure if I would do it once again if he fell on my lap. It's like my heart wants it, but my brain knew how he "failed" me during the time when I needed him in the first round of fantasy playoffs.

Two picks before my turn, somebody picked up Sabonis and my mind knew that if the next one didn't pick up Sengun, I'm going to pick him, especially when I learned during his FIBA games that he was trying to become a point-forward aka the Jokic or Sabonis type of players.

True enough, I got him as my first pick. Then what was a bit surprising was my 2nd pick who is Bam Adebayo had times where he is surpassing Sengun on some days fantasy wise. It also helped that the offense ran through him when Tyler Herro was injured at the start of the season.

This fantasy season was a mixture of some eerie things going on, unbelievable ones, and perhaps I don't even know if I've been extremely lucky or I was rewarded with planning my picks.

Mind you, I noticed that my preferred players usually gets scrambled up by the time draft comes because the ranking changes and you don't know which default setting was used compared to practice drafts. So with my knowledge in data scraping, I have to apply what I learned from work to play, so I know which guys I will target and high chance that I could still pick them.

I didn't focus much on the first and second round as any pick would be okay, but the tricky ones were in the middle of the pack because some of those players would overperform based on their average draft position.

As the fantasy season started, I realized that based on my picks and the situation of various players especially the last few picks are quite questionable or unstable. What I thought was something I could pick up on the wire ended up I'm going to be desperately needing it - the point guard position. After realizing Jared Butler (my last draft pick) was waived, I needed to find a substitute and found Marcus Smart for the short term. Then I realized Mike Conley was demoted to a bench role in favor of Donte Divincenzo, which means I not only lost one point guard, but two as I needed to drop Mike Conley too. As for the Jared Butler situation, I thought I found the backup for Devin Booker as they are lacking depth at the point guard position behind Booker. However, I am glad that I found Colin Gillespie in the nick of time at the free agency and realized he was the back-up point guard that Coach Ott wanted for Booker. So far, I was able to beat some formidable opponent, but I realized that sooner or later I might be bound to lose a game or two as what my usual fantasy season for this league.

As the weeks go on, I realized that my team was still unbeatable or even if there was this one round where I thought it's over, Shaedon Sharpe did something crazy that helped my team beat against a tough opponent that I was even ready to pencil it as an L.

For some reason I don't know what's going on. It's either my opponents happened to have injured players when I play against them or maybe they forgot to activate them. Then I realized that Domantas Sabonis kept getting injured that made him sit for a long time and eventually was out for the season. The one who took him was someone I respected as a fellow co-manager and co-commissioner in the league. He has been a veteran in our league for a long time so it's kind of disheartening that his team wasn't performing as what I expected of him year after year whenever we play. It doesn't help when he picked players that were injury prone or pretending to be injured because they are on a tanking team such as Michael Porter Jr.

I believe that alone perhaps changed the trajectory of my fantasy season. Imagine if I was the one who has Domantas Sabonis, I wonder what would happen to my roster? I mean I have players who got injured such as Bennedict Mathurin. But in Mathurin's case, because he is underperforming based on his draft position, so it would be better if he was seated in our INJ slot for a long time while looking who could be a possible replacement.

I wasn't complacent enough yet even if my fellow co-commissioner felt that that season it's going to be something magical for me... because I haven't faced a lot of tough opponents yet. I just knew I would have to be active and aware on what the opponent was doing... and despite the tough matchups, I still managed to win those series and when I saw my two remaining opponents are somehow inactive going into the fantasy playoffs, I knew that all I just need to do was to prepare for the playoffs.

When I realized that I'm going to win it all in the regular season, I felt like I have to win this all because I don't know if this would happen ever again, plus I don't want to be called a choke artist or a fraud. So I reviewed my roster and knew I would have to give up the guys that I picked up on the wire and never look back. Those are Derik Queen and Jaylon Tyson. Two guys that I picked up on the wire and gave me nice numbers for weeks, but with the return of Dejounte Murray for the Pelicans and James Harden getting traded to the Cavaliers respectively proved that I would have to drop them and find something else.

I realized that I was really researching so much not only the players statistical performances, but as far as their contract situation. Never have I thought researching if a random scrub is on a two-way contract or regular contract as to avoid the random rest or out due to their contract situation. I am so glad I encountered the problem early on before the start of the fantasy playoffs.

Then fantasy playoffs arrived, I am currently at the 1st seed - an unbeatable record facing an 8th seed. I know I have to do my job on who's in front of me, while also wondering who I'll be facing because all I knew was I have to do my job by activating the lineups and drop the players who I needed to drop. I mean who would have thought that for that round Bam Adebayo decided to get the highest points scored in a single game behind the Kobe Bryant in that round? Imagine 83 points was equivalent to around 102 fantasy points. Enough to scare the opponent.

Onto the next round, I knew it's a tough opponent. If I would use our scores last week, I would have lost already and he did beat a higher seed. Because of that, there is a reseeding and I end up facing him. I felt like I needed a little bit of miracle to win the match against him. It doesn't help that he is very active and we both live in Asia which is harder to match-up against since you don't have a time zone advantage to make your moves. For some funny reason, he has players who are on and off on the injured list and he has Kawhi Leonard not playing a single game or two. I know I had players random resting too, but for this round it's VJ Edgecombe and Justin Edwards who came through pounding the opponents with their high-scoring fantasy points... enough to overpower the opponent especially if the opponent made a few blunders such as picking Josh Minott who ended up having a DNP-CD if I remember it right and he maxed out his moves already.

Now onto the finals. I was against someone who kicked my butt for two consecutive times. I know my fellow co-commissioner was already cheering me on hoping that I would win it all. I knew I'm a bit lucky on this one because Stephen Curry is still on the shelf and Jalen Brunson only has three games for that week instead of four or five games which would be brutal if that happens. For some reason, he only just activated his lineups and made switches on his injured players, but never made a move on who to add or drop. I mean I don't know what is going on onto his end. It would have been nice if he made a move or two as to make it more competitive. So in the end I was able to beat him by a huge margin. This time Alpren Sengun finally came alive at the most important time of the matchup. I know his performance maybe was an icing on top of the cake, but regardless who knows if the opponent make a move to throw you off guard right?

I mean to be honest as much as I never had a perfect winning season coupled with getting the gold trophy, maybe it wasn't as heart thrilling as I thought it could be like the first time I got it. I am not sure perhaps my love life suddenly fell apart during the last week of my championship round and having this trophy might be the prize that appease my sorrows? I mean I don't know. Maybe it was a bit of a blessing my opponents aren't as active that they're used to means that I don't need to think about much of my moves too, because as much as Alpren Sengun suddenly played well on the last day of the fantasy season, some of my players are a bit meh, but then the scores of the opponent aren't huge enough to scare the heck out of my team too.

I don't know which NBA team winning the finals I could relate my fantasy season too, but whatever it is it maybe a little lackluster, but a trophy is a trophy.

So here it is, my second gold trophy!

Every to Us is Every to You

When they say dating in this generation is crazy, it really is.

So for those who found love before this dating generation or you finally found one during this generation, I hope you are very thankful that you don’t need to suffer in this cruel dating world anymore.

Every peso we spend on looking for love... 

    ...is every peso you start saving towards the future you're trying to build.

Every minute we spend on determining whether the person in front of us is the one...  

    ...is every minute you add to the memories you have with your lover.

Every gift we receive would form an uncertainty if we should cherish them... 

    ...is every gift you received would be wholeheartedly cherished forever. 

Every picture we had with a prospective someone would suddenly go to delete or trash file if things bewteen the two of you ended... 

    ...is every picture you had would be placed securely in your computer hard drives.  

Every memory we try to create with a person we’re seeing only to be forcibly discarded if things fall apart...  

    ...is every memory you create with your family and place them in a sacred part of your life knowing that nobody could take that away from you.

Every flaw that was highlighted to us as to why we’re still single...  

    ...is every flaw you have that is unconditionally loved and accepted by your partner.

Every lesson we learn could only be applied to the next person we meet next...  

    ...is every lesson you learned would improve your relationship with your partner.

Every rejection we received from the people we went out with...  

    ...is every “thank God I found you” to your partner that you don’t need to be rejected by someone anymore.

Every painful tear we get from heartbreaks...  

    ...is every happy tear you get from your created family’s joyous milestones.

Every what ifs we have if we could still find our eternal happiness romantically... 

    ...is every what ifs you have if you guys never met and you are both blessed it didn’t happen that way. 

AND

Every breath of relief that we have that we didn’t end up with someone that put our life in chaos...      

    ...is every breath of relief that whenever there's a chaos in your life, you are assured that you have such a wonderful partner beside you.

I could have mentioned a lot of everys as there are too much to mention, but I guess all we need is compassion and acknowledgement that today’s dating generation is very brutal, you don’t need to compare your time to our time.

Queen of the Night

As I reached my high school junior year, there are rumblings of this particular activity that they want to commence and it was none other than the Junior and Senior prom (JS Prom). That time everybody chose to have a field trip instead of having a prom on my Junior year, but neither one of them materialized by the end of the school year.

Then came my senior year, at that time my fellow students opt to have a field trip rather than prom. After all, the previous year we didn't have a field trip - let alone in my case where I wasn't able to attend last time because that was the day I learned that my sister passed away which happened to be my 14th birthday too.

For every teenage student, I guess prom was really the supposed highlight of their high school life. Well I guess we could probably blame movies and series that emphasized the need of having a prom where every ugly duckling will magically become a princess or every beast would become a prince charming for one night.

Personally, I really dreaded the idea of having a prom back in high school. Not only I was ridiculed and a laughingstock for having the worst taste in attire among my batchmates, but also I didn't like the idea of wearing clothes or dresses that seemed to be too uncomfortable for me and that included wearing high-heeled shoes. Then you add the dancing part where I was also known as not being a good dancer too. So I really think having a prom during those times will be a recipe for disaster or as some might say "scarred for life".

Fast forward to this year, the community I'm involved in organized a prom event specifically for single Fil-Chi individuals.

A part of me felt like aside from I want to take a break from dating after what I've been through to I don't even have a dress for that event to even if you want to go, buying a dress is so costly on top of the cost for going to the event.

Of course, since I'm buddies with the organizers, they would send me private messages encouraging me to go to the prom. Their pitch was some people never had one, which was true since I also didn't have one. The organizer knew from the get-go what was troubling me from attending the event. So she said I could wear short dress or jumpsuit if I'm not comfortable with wearing a gown let alone a long dress.

During that time, I would admit I was technically cash strapped since I splurged a bit for my birthday celebration for the office plus my uncertainty. Then I am having an emotional or identity struggle in relation to my then suitor. Although it would be cheaper to pay at an earlier date, I just let the early bird rate pass. I mean after all it's better to pay a premium on something you are sure of rather than pay early just so you could save.

After I ended things with my then suitor, I was hoping that my head is clear. I know if I'm going to the prom, I'm just going there to support but not to find a potential spouse. I mean my mom did said that she will finally give me a break on asking me about my love life (but that was only brief after she knew that the threat is no longer imminent I guess).

So I searched online what dress I would like to wear for the event and the first one I ordered, it wasn't the type of dress I've envisioned for a prom as the length wasn't long enough. My mom just said just buy another one besides you can wear it again - and so I did. I did like my second dress since it reached to the floor that I have to actually hold my dress so I could walk properly. 😅

Then I was thinking if I would go all in, I have to do a glam up look, so I went to the hair and makeup stylist I went to when my friend got married pre pandemic. I'm so happy that she was still there after 5 years. I think the rate didn't change too. What was good about this was the stylist's color forte of doing makeup is in the shade of green which was the dress that I was wearing from the original peacock blue.

So the time arrives, and I have to go to the venue already. All dressed up, with the jade bracelet I bought from China and the earrings my mother lend me to wearing a girdle that shocked me that I was able to hook to the tightest part of the body without me feeling uncomfortable. Well, I really did cut my rice in preparation for this and also discipline on not eating too much pasta nor cooking instant noodles.

To the shocked of some (I guess), I was almost unrecognizable (I had to remove my glasses too). I may have the perfect body when I was in high school, but what I didn't have that time was enough confidence to thrive off negative energy. I guess what's helpful was I went into a world where I could count with one hand how many schoolmates I met during these events. I mean technically I only met 3 to 4 people and that was it. Nobody knew my past or how I dressed, so whatever they saw, that was it.

Honestly, I went into the event thinking and hoping that if the winner gets crowned, he/she deserves it. I knew last year's event was partly a joke and I think organizers even felt it too. That's why I somehow beg to the organizers to at least put a best dressed out there such as who followed the attire so those who made an effort to comply will be rewarded because I know for sure the  Mr. and Ms. Smingle would be a majority vote on whoever is probably the most attractive the participants felt towards the opposite sex. I knew gunning for the top title was impossible since that's based on popularity vote, so I was honestly hoping if I don't get the [invisible] crown, maybe I could get the best dressed.

Until when they start calling the winners made me realized that they changed the criteria for voting. The population no longer controls the vote, but a committee - and with that, they gave me the title of the Prom Queen.

It was such an unbelievable experience. Maybe some people would be thinking there are better ones, but then some of them would also think of course they would reduce it to the ones who followed the dress code which most of them settled for short dresses. But then I realized, I did my best to be in contention. I did make some sacrifices to lose weight too, which allowed me to fit into my dress despite our helper did some alterations to make the waist of my dress narrower.

For one night, I felt vindicated. I saw the support people around me when they also took my photos and sent it to me. I mean if they wouldn't care, they would just be a bit civil I guess. It's like adult me telling my high school and college version of me as "It's okay, we finally made it! We finally did something that would be unbelievable from the people in the past."

I don't care if some people might scoff that they would fare better or who would be better off getting that crown, maybe they might but for this night, they chose not to take it seriously, but I did. Like what the organizer said, it was a serious deliberation so whatever the results they discussed, I really deserve to be called a Prom Queen.