Coffee Drinking Spree: The Experience of Drinking Coffee as an Adult

It's the time of the year in the Filipino-Chinese community wherein they do this tours exclusively for Filipino-Chinese to mingle, make friends and hoping that the one for you is there. I mean that's what I remember from the first time I attended their tour where one of the friends I invited on the inaugural trip asked one of the fellow participants out on a date (but unfortunately it only lasts past one date)

Last year I wasn't able to join them as their trip overlapped to my trip in Toronto. So this year, I have zero plans on going out of the country. I think the last time I intentionally planned was my Canada trip, but other than that it's more of I was dragged to join by people or a family or the company will sponsor the trip. So this year this same organizer decided to travel to Vietnam. Oh, there's no fuel price increase involved yet when they announced it. My mind was like okay I know it's somehow affordable, but aside from Korea, Vietnam is also one of the countries where somebody would have to drag my feet at will or maybe somebody will be willing to pay it for free in order for me to go there. I know Vietnam has been the talk of town. Even my sister-in-law wanted them to have their honeymoon there with my brother.

The problem: Food. I don't like beansprouts and I don't drink coffee (which is their specialty), but yes I still eat coffee jelly and mocha cake if those count as coffee. My pho experience in the Philippines was so unpleasant before because who knows if the people there would include beansprouts on the Pho by default like some restaurants. Then when I ate at Pho Hoa, I saw that they separated the beansprouts from the pho. I was like Thank God! I mean I would still eat the beansprouts because it would be a waste if it isn't it's just that that time my friend love those so I happily gave it to her as I don't need to suffer the dread of eating beansprouts. Same when I was in Canada where my relatives there were so into pho that I end up "violating" my Lenten sacrifice of not eating meat since beef is their specialty and it would probably be the last time I would go there (or if I could it would take an eternity) of course I'm glad that they also separated it that my cousin maybe got weirded out on why I started to eat those raw before eating pho. I said I don't like beansprouts so I ate it first. At least I have an idea that some restaurants serve them separately, but of course gambling in a foreign country is a different story.

As for the coffee, I know I have a bad experience about it since there is one time when I'm 13 years old where everybody who would join the perennial study tour in China would have to attend their breakfast before our trip to China. They only serve us coffee and I'm probably too shy to ask for water to drink. When I tasted the coffee, I didn't like the taste (I guess that's obvious when you're young and you associate coffee as for old people and kids are for sweets). So I grew up not drinking coffee.

So the dilemma, there is money, it's affordable, but I guess my trauma from the mandatory shops didn't make me at ease because that last time you want to do is to spend an unnecessary amount of money on the things that you don't want to avail in the first place. I mean if it's affordable, there's a high chance that a mandatory shop is involved - which is expected given that it's actually better for the organizers to have a tour instead of doing DIY.

What I initially did was to send the sample itinerary to the people who I knew already went to Vietnam and asked them about the beansprouts because I think that's a cause of concern rather than the coffee. They said they don't mix the beansprouts and pho together. If ever they do that, they told me I could always tell them not to mix it. Then when I realized that the single supplement is so cheap by PH standards, I feel like it's a good opportunity to experience sleeping alone in a hotel in abroad now rather than doing it in another country that costs a lot more. I just feel like with my previous experience in mandatory shops, I am now well-armed on how to dodge falling on buying from the mandatory shops unless I am fully aware about what I'm doing.

Eventually I joined them armed with knowing that I can dodge eating beansprouts while pondering where I would drink their coffee there or not... and I decided I will.

When I told people that I'll drink their coffee, my colleagues were worried that I might not sleep well if I drink their Vietnamese Coffee especially someone who never drank that much coffee in their life. I was like okay let's see.

And so the coffee drinking spree began. So whenever there's a coffee or a free coffee, I drank it whatever kind I guess.

If I would evaluate on my experience of drinking black coffee or any form of coffee in general during my trip in Vietnam, I think I realized that it's like drinking some of the Japanese teas that tasted like coffee as part of their complimentary drinks at the Japanese restaurants. I think that's what I picked up based on my experience. About the whether I could sleep at night or not, so far I was able to sleep at night. I am not sure because I timely drank it and my servings are tolerable. I mean the first weekend that I came back from Vietnam, I even drank a Barako coffee when I joined the praycation with the Fil-Chi Catholic community that I'm part of.

Maybe if there is some realization in coffee or caffeine it's the aftermath of the trip was that eight years ago, the matcha latte that I drank quite late at night was not because the tea or powder is old that caused my palpitations, it's that I realized I am a person who cannot drink caffeine in the late evening even if I just drank tea. It took another set of overtime and entering the night-differential mode working with our CEO that made me realized that I am someone who can't drink anything caffeinated very late at night. When I start palpitating past midnight, I knew that the matcha latte I ordered before wasn't a one-off thing, it's real that my body cannot drink any caffeine at night.

I guess that's why people say coffee reacts differently towards the person. I think similar to every dish, every body would react toward it. Some would want it, but can't have it. Some can have it but doesn't want it, while some want it and can have it.

If I would drink coffee again? I mean I don't know. But I would still drink tea, it's just that I now know until what time I'm allowed to drink tea if I don't want to have palpitations out of nowhere. I guess it's true that as you grow older, you don't like to eat a lot of sweets and you are more okay or comfortable with the idea that maybe tasting a little bitterness it's fine - or maybe what you thought its bitter it's not something bitter at all. Maybe if I would answer that Dalai Lama question again about what I would associate coffee to, chances are my answer is going to be different this time.

A Consoling Trophy for the Broken Heart?

My personal reflection as the Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball 2025-2026 season has ended as I am now looking forward towards the end of regular season and to watch the Spurs finally back to the playoffs after so many years.

For two straight fantasy basketball seasons that I played in this league, I got my butt kicked by the same manager in the league where I was assigned the commissioner. The first one when he knocked me out of the bronze medal game and the other one in the first round of the playoffs. I guess battling for the first round of the fantasy playoffs in a foreign country doesn't help to change my fortune.

Before the start of this fantasy season, I felt like I needed to do something different to get that gold trophy once more... And also to my other league where I gained a friend there to finally get the gold trophy and not just be a bridesmaid every time I get a chance to draft my own players in the league where he is the commissioner.

However, I can only manage to draft in one league, where I got my butt kicked for two consecutive times by the same guy. While I told my online friend that I cannot draft wisely if they are going to do the draft in the middle of my working hours [time zone difference]. So he has to remove me from his league [but of course we're still good friends in talking terms].

And so the draft day begins... I felt like the draft for this season was more difficult than ever. Not only we were 20 teams, but there are a lot of good players who are out for a long term due to injury such as Tyrese Haliburton, Jayson Tatum, Damian Lillard, Kyrie Irving, etc. So out of those, you would be wondering who would be left especially when I got the lowest possible draft ever. 15!

Who would I be getting at 15? In other leagues, that's equivalent to a 2nd round guy or sometimes 3rd round guy in shallow leagues.

Based on the projections, my heart was choosing Domantas Sabonis or Alpren Sengun. I really liked the idea of having a non-point guard as my first pick as I felt it's easier to find a point guard later in the rounds. Unless of course it's Shai Gilgeous Alexander or Luka Doncic that we're talking about... Or even Cade Cunningham. I know last year I took Domantas Sabonis as my first pick and it didn't end well in the sense he wasn't there or injured at the wrong time (together with Chet Holmgren) to help anchor my team into getting out of the first round especially I knew that the score was extremely close and the opponent had to sacrifice a key player just to stream that player's spot. So I wasn't sure if I would do it once again if he fell on my lap. It's like my heart wants it, but my brain knew how he "failed" me during the time when I needed him in the first round of fantasy playoffs.

Two picks before my turn, somebody picked up Sabonis and my mind knew that if the next one didn't pick up Sengun, I'm going to pick him, especially when I learned during his FIBA games that he was trying to become a point-forward aka the Jokic or Sabonis type of players.

True enough, I got him as my first pick. Then what was a bit surprising was my 2nd pick who is Bam Adebayo had times where he is surpassing Sengun on some days fantasy wise. It also helped that the offense ran through him when Tyler Herro was injured at the start of the season.

This fantasy season was a mixture of some eerie things going on, unbelievable ones, and perhaps I don't even know if I've been extremely lucky or I was rewarded with planning my picks.

Mind you, I noticed that my preferred players usually gets scrambled up by the time draft comes because the ranking changes and you don't know which default setting was used compared to practice drafts. So with my knowledge in data scraping, I have to apply what I learned from work to play, so I know which guys I will target and high chance that I could still pick them.

I didn't focus much on the first and second round as any pick would be okay, but the tricky ones were in the middle of the pack because some of those players would overperform based on their average draft position.

As the fantasy season started, I realized that based on my picks and the situation of various players especially the last few picks are quite questionable or unstable. What I thought was something I could pick up on the wire ended up I'm going to be desperately needing it - the point guard position. After realizing Jared Butler (my last draft pick) was waived, I needed to find a substitute and found Marcus Smart for the short term. Then I realized Mike Conley was demoted to a bench role in favor of Donte Divincenzo, which means I not only lost one point guard, but two as I needed to drop Mike Conley too. As for the Jared Butler situation, I thought I found the backup for Devin Booker as they are lacking depth at the point guard position behind Booker. However, I am glad that I found Colin Gillespie in the nick of time at the free agency and realized he was the back-up point guard that Coach Ott wanted for Booker. So far, I was able to beat some formidable opponent, but I realized that sooner or later I might be bound to lose a game or two as what my usual fantasy season for this league.

As the weeks go on, I realized that my team was still unbeatable or even if there was this one round where I thought it's over, Shaedon Sharpe did something crazy that helped my team beat against a tough opponent that I was even ready to pencil it as an L.

For some reason I don't know what's going on. It's either my opponents happened to have injured players when I play against them or maybe they forgot to activate them. Then I realized that Domantas Sabonis kept getting injured that made him sit for a long time and eventually was out for the season. The one who took him was someone I respected as a fellow co-manager and co-commissioner in the league. He has been a veteran in our league for a long time so it's kind of disheartening that his team wasn't performing as what I expected of him year after year whenever we play. It doesn't help when he picked players that were injury prone or pretending to be injured because they are on a tanking team such as Michael Porter Jr.

I believe that alone perhaps changed the trajectory of my fantasy season. Imagine if I was the one who has Domantas Sabonis, I wonder what would happen to my roster? I mean I have players who got injured such as Bennedict Mathurin. But in Mathurin's case, because he is underperforming based on his draft position, so it would be better if he was seated in our INJ slot for a long time while looking who could be a possible replacement.

I wasn't complacent enough yet even if my fellow co-commissioner felt that that season it's going to be something magical for me... because I haven't faced a lot of tough opponents yet. I just knew I would have to be active and aware on what the opponent was doing... and despite the tough matchups, I still managed to win those series and when I saw my two remaining opponents are somehow inactive going into the fantasy playoffs, I knew that all I just need to do was to prepare for the playoffs.

When I realized that I'm going to win it all in the regular season, I felt like I have to win this all because I don't know if this would happen ever again, plus I don't want to be called a choke artist or a fraud. So I reviewed my roster and knew I would have to give up the guys that I picked up on the wire and never look back. Those are Derik Queen and Jaylon Tyson. Two guys that I picked up on the wire and gave me nice numbers for weeks, but with the return of Dejounte Murray for the Pelicans and James Harden getting traded to the Cavaliers respectively proved that I would have to drop them and find something else.

I realized that I was really researching so much not only the players statistical performances, but as far as their contract situation. Never have I thought researching if a random scrub is on a two-way contract or regular contract as to avoid the random rest or out due to their contract situation. I am so glad I encountered the problem early on before the start of the fantasy playoffs.

Then fantasy playoffs arrived, I am currently at the 1st seed - an unbeatable record facing an 8th seed. I know I have to do my job on who's in front of me, while also wondering who I'll be facing because all I knew was I have to do my job by activating the lineups and drop the players who I needed to drop. I mean who would have thought that for that round Bam Adebayo decided to get the highest points scored in a single game behind the Kobe Bryant in that round? Imagine 83 points was equivalent to around 102 fantasy points. Enough to scare the opponent.

Onto the next round, I knew it's a tough opponent. If I would use our scores last week, I would have lost already and he did beat a higher seed. Because of that, there is a reseeding and I end up facing him. I felt like I needed a little bit of miracle to win the match against him. It doesn't help that he is very active and we both live in Asia which is harder to match-up against since you don't have a time zone advantage to make your moves. For some funny reason, he has players who are on and off on the injured list and he has Kawhi Leonard not playing a single game or two. I know I had players random resting too, but for this round it's VJ Edgecombe and Justin Edwards who came through pounding the opponents with their high-scoring fantasy points... enough to overpower the opponent especially if the opponent made a few blunders such as picking Josh Minott who ended up having a DNP-CD if I remember it right and he maxed out his moves already.

Now onto the finals. I was against someone who kicked my butt for two consecutive times. I know my fellow co-commissioner was already cheering me on hoping that I would win it all. I knew I'm a bit lucky on this one because Stephen Curry is still on the shelf and Jalen Brunson only has three games for that week instead of four or five games which would be brutal if that happens. For some reason, he only just activated his lineups and made switches on his injured players, but never made a move on who to add or drop. I mean I don't know what is going on onto his end. It would have been nice if he made a move or two as to make it more competitive. So in the end I was able to beat him by a huge margin. This time Alpren Sengun finally came alive at the most important time of the matchup. I know his performance maybe was an icing on top of the cake, but regardless who knows if the opponent make a move to throw you off guard right?

I mean to be honest as much as I never had a perfect winning season coupled with getting the gold trophy, maybe it wasn't as heart thrilling as I thought it could be like the first time I got it. I am not sure perhaps my love life suddenly fell apart during the last week of my championship round and having this trophy might be the prize that appease my sorrows? I mean I don't know. Maybe it was a bit of a blessing my opponents aren't as active that they're used to means that I don't need to think about much of my moves too, because as much as Alpren Sengun suddenly played well on the last day of the fantasy season, some of my players are a bit meh, but then the scores of the opponent aren't huge enough to scare the heck out of my team too.

I don't know which NBA team winning the finals I could relate my fantasy season too, but whatever it is it maybe a little lackluster, but a trophy is a trophy.

So here it is, my second gold trophy!

Every to Us is Every to You

When they say dating in this generation is crazy, it really is.

So for those who found love before this dating generation or you finally found one during this generation, I hope you are very thankful that you don’t need to suffer in this cruel dating world anymore.

Every peso we spend on looking for love... 

    ...is every peso you start saving towards the future you're trying to build.

Every minute we spend on determining whether the person in front of us is the one...  

    ...is every minute you add to the memories you have with your lover.

Every gift we receive would form an uncertainty if we should cherish them... 

    ...is every gift you receive will be wholeheartedly cherished forever. 

Every picture we had with a prospective someone would suddenly go to delete or trash file if things ended... 

    ...is every picture you had would be placed securely in your computer hard drives.  

Every memory we try to create with a person we’re seeing only to be forcibly discarded if things fall apart...  

    ...is every memory you create with your family and place them in a sacred part of your life knowing that nobody could take it away from you.

Every flaw that was highlighted to us that’s why we’re still single...  

    ...is every flaw you have that is unconditionally loved and accepted by your partner.

Every lesson we learn could only be applied to the next person we meet next...  

    ...is every lesson you learned would improve your relationship with your partner.

Every rejection we received from the people we went out with...  

    ...is every “thank God I found you” to your partner that you don’t need to be rejected by someone anymore.

Every tear we get from heartbreaks...  

    ...is every tear you get from your created family’s happy milestones.

Every what ifs we have if we could still find our eternal happiness romantically... 

    ...is every what ifs you have if you guys never met and you are both blessed it didn’t happen that way. 

AND

Every breath of relief that we have that we didn’t end up with someone that put our life in chaos...      

    ...is every breath of relief that whenever there's a chaos in your life, you are assured that you have such a wonderful partner beside you.

I could have mentioned a lot of everys as there are too much to mention, but I guess all we need is compassion and acknowledgement that today’s dating generation is very brutal, you don’t need to compare your time to our time.

Queen of the Night

As I reached my high school junior year, there are rumblings of this particular activity that they want to commence and it was none other than the Junior and Senior prom (JS Prom). That time everybody chose to have a field trip instead of having a prom on my Junior year, but neither one of them materialized by the end of the school year.

Then came my senior year, at that time my fellow students opt to have a field trip rather than prom. After all, the previous year we didn't have a field trip - let alone in my case where I wasn't able to attend last time because that was the day I learned that my sister passed away which happened to be my 14th birthday too.

For every teenage student, I guess prom was really the supposed highlight of their high school life. Well I guess we could probably blame movies and series that emphasized the need of having a prom where every ugly duckling will magically become a princess or every beast would become a prince charming for one night.

Personally, I really dreaded the idea of having a prom back in high school. Not only I was ridiculed and a laughingstock for having the worst taste in attire among my batchmates, but also I didn't like the idea of wearing clothes or dresses that seemed to be too uncomfortable for me and that included wearing high-heeled shoes. Then you add the dancing part where I was also known as not being a good dancer too. So I really think having a prom during those times will be a recipe for disaster or as some might say "scarred for life".

Fast forward to this year, the community I'm involved in organized a prom event specifically for single Fil-Chi individuals.

A part of me felt like aside from I want to take a break from dating after what I've been through to I don't even have a dress for that event to even if you want to go, buying a dress is so costly on top of the cost for going to the event.

Of course, since I'm buddies with the organizers, they would send me private messages encouraging me to go to the prom. Their pitch was some people never had one, which was true since I also didn't have one. The organizer knew from the get-go what was troubling me from attending the event. So she said I could wear short dress or jumpsuit if I'm not comfortable with wearing a gown let alone a long dress.

During that time, I would admit I was technically cash strapped since I splurged a bit for my birthday celebration for the office plus my uncertainty. Then I am having an emotional or identity struggle in relation to my then suitor. Although it would be cheaper to pay at an earlier date, I just let the early bird rate pass. I mean after all it's better to pay a premium on something you are sure of rather than pay early just so you could save.

After I ended things with my then suitor, I was hoping that my head is clear. I know if I'm going to the prom, I'm just going there to support but not to find a potential spouse. I mean my mom did said that she will finally give me a break on asking me about my love life (but that was only brief after she knew that the threat is no longer imminent I guess).

So I searched online what dress I would like to wear for the event and the first one I ordered, it wasn't the type of dress I've envisioned for a prom as the length wasn't long enough. My mom just said just buy another one besides you can wear it again - and so I did. I did like my second dress since it reached to the floor that I have to actually hold my dress so I could walk properly. 😅

Then I was thinking if I would go all in, I have to do a glam up look, so I went to the hair and makeup stylist I went to when my friend got married pre pandemic. I'm so happy that she was still there after 5 years. I think the rate didn't change too. What was good about this was the stylist's color forte of doing makeup is in the shade of green which was the dress that I was wearing from the original peacock blue.

So the time arrives, and I have to go to the venue already. All dressed up, with the jade bracelet I bought from China and the earrings my mother lend me to wearing a girdle that shocked me that I was able to hook to the tightest part of the body without me feeling uncomfortable. Well, I really did cut my rice in preparation for this and also discipline on not eating too much pasta nor cooking instant noodles.

To the shocked of some (I guess), I was almost unrecognizable (I had to remove my glasses too). I may have the perfect body when I was in high school, but what I didn't have that time was enough confidence to thrive off negative energy. I guess what's helpful was I went into a world where I could count with my one hand how many schoolmates I met during these events. I mean technically I only met 3 to 4 people and that was it. Nobody knew my past or how I dress, so whatever they saw, that was it.

Honestly, I went into the event thinking and hoping that if the winner gets crowned, he/she deserves it. I knew last year's event was partly a joke and I think organizers even felt it too. That's why I somehow beg to the organizers to at least put a best dressed out there such as who followed the attire so those who made an effort to comply will be rewarded because I know for sure the  Mr. and Ms. Smingle would be a majority vote on whoever is probably the most attractive the participants felt towards the opposite sex. I knew gunning for the top title was impossible since that's based on popularity vote, so I was honestly hoping if I don't get the [invisible] crown, maybe I could get the best dressed.

Until when they start calling the winners made me realized that they changed the criteria for voting. The population no longer controls the vote, but a committee - and with that, they gave me the title of the Prom Queen.

It was such an unbelievable experience. Maybe some people would be thinking there are better ones, but then some of them would also think of course they would reduce it to the ones who followed the dress code which most of them settled for short dresses. But then I realized, I did my best to be in contention. I did make some sacrifices to lose weight too, which allowed me to fit into my dress despite our helper did some alterations to make the waist of my dress narrower.

For one night, I felt vindicated. I saw the support people around me when they also took my photos and sent it to me. I mean if they wouldn't care, they would just be a bit civil I guess. It's like adult me telling my high school and college version of me as "It's okay, we finally made it! We finally did something that would be unbelievable from the people in the past."

I don't care if some people might scoff that they would fare better or who would be better off getting that crown, maybe they might but for this night, they chose not to take it seriously, but I did. Like what the organizer said, it was a serious deliberation so whatever the results they discussed, I really deserve to be called a Prom Queen.

The Other Shoe: A Reflection of My Most Recent Courtship

Almost five months ago, I agreed to enter in a courtship with someone whom I barely knew online. Like I said on my previous blogs, this courtship is not something that I planned for [plan meaning that I am into intentional dating and the result was courtship]. In fact during the winding down month of finally knowing that I could do anything I wanted, this guy came along. What I thought was a breaking of a streak of someone courting me turned out to be a continuation on what seemed to be an impossible feat. I mean who would have thought that almost exactly after nine years and six months from the time somebody courted me during my graduate school years that it would come once again? I could actually turn it down and say that I'm on a break, but the how we accidentally got to know each other and despite our contrast in values and priorities, I felt like I have to take a chance so there wouldn't be anymore what ifs along the way. Honestly, I don't know what God's plan was. I think He knew I'm about to give up on finding my future husband and I was very eager on looking forward to do whatever I wanted. After all, that's the reason why I paid quite a huge premium on dating someone on an specific age so I don't need to worry about anything.

I know my mom kept on telling me about how we end up getting our new store where it was a series of hope, then devastation, then the cycle continues until we finally got the place of our own. I think she really felt that I'm on the verge of giving up [on dating and also finding a spouse for me], that's why she kept on mentioning our store story over and over again I guess that probably I wouldn't give up easily by quitting or by settling on something my heart and mind knows wasn't good for me in the long-term.

So to conclude, it didn't pan out they way I wanted to. In fact I ended it. Crazy right? Perhaps you've been wondering why.

If there is something I learned during the courtship that I've been into was that I think it made me asked myself about a lot of things. I felt like I needed a lot to think about, to experience and to feel what are the guys who rejected me were feeling on the other side.

I know prior to this guy and I were dating, I felt like he is going to be the answer to my perennial dating problem. I really told him that whether we end up being together or not. True enough, I think I did get it from him. Maybe I wouldn't be able to get the exact answer from him why he thought the guys that I was dating rejected me, but I felt like I don't need the answer coming from him to know exactly why.

The reason I was saying these things was because it made me think or wonder if the feelings or uneasiness I had towards my then suitor was the feelings that the guys I used to date but got eventually rejected had towards me? I know it's the answer that I wouldn't able to find out as they just always say "let's be friends". I questioned his ability to be a father to our future children as he doesn't have a vision about the child like the only reason he wanted to have a child was to pass on his legacy, his genes. Which made me realized that perhaps that's the reason why these men rejected me - deep down they knew that they probably couldn't see me as a capable mother to their children - and that's okay. I don't think I could see myself to be one too even if a tiny part of me was aching to have one, a part of me that have dreams on what or how I would rear my child.

I think another reason was that, I realized that I was reverting to the ill habits I had towards myself. I remember prior to my mom getting me involved with the matchmaker, wasn't involved in any Fil-Chi community or even dating or getting to know someone, I kept on asking myself as I woke up every morning "what do you want to do today?". I know it sounds silly but I realized that this year alone, I think I only enjoyed myself for like a month or probably less. That break from messaging anyone was enough for me to do the things I wanted to do. If I remember it right, I was able to go to two places on the same month that has nothing to do with the Pilgrim Churches. I think I realized that while I am single on paper, I wasn't acting single the way my life goes around. And I think this was something that would keep on haunting me for the rest of my life if I do not figure it out.

I know most of the guys I was dealing with were always busy or do not want to meet you for whatever reasons until I met this then suitor who was willing to give all the time for you... and you, you end up having to entertain the time that he was willing to allot for you. I know they said that if you want that person, you should try to work it out. I knew he kept on saying that all the girls he courted said the same reasons that we dumped him because we told him we are busy. To be honest, for the first time, I am really busy and I think I don't have enough energy to attend a lot of activities. If I would compare the workload I had pre-pandemic and post pandemic, it was a lot. Like what I told this guy, how I wish I had met him earlier - as in as early as pre pandemic days where my mom even said "Don't I have something to do instead of wallowing into a dating or get to know phase that ended?". This time, I had a lot on my plate - way lot that I've been told that I have to start delegating some of the task.

Too many task that I sometimes forgot what I wanted to do. There are a lot of things I wanted to do, but there's always this you need to address this and that before doing what you want. I realized there are a lot of things I wanted to do, but you have to factor in a lot such as your sleep time, your health etc. I think I knew it all the time why I was sort of not that into wanting to get married fast - because while most of my peers are tired of being single, I am just tired on paper, but not in actuality. They always say that you have to do a lot of things you wanted - get tired of doing it so that when your future spouse come, you would never regret a single thing.

Maybe the courtship allowed me to see what was wrong with me, what was probably the reason I get rejected after one getting to know stage or dating phase to another, and if I don't figure it out, I really think the one for me wouldn't come around. Or maybe they're already there, but I'm probably in a hot mess or way too preoccupied to even notice him. It also tried to reinforce to me what was really important, what you really value and if it was even worth it to give up what you really wanted just to have the happy ever after the world was telling you about.

Looking back, I think this is what happened:

- God will eventually give you what you want. The question is, do you still like it?

I remember I kept on complaining like why was there always lacking in my initial petty criteria? Then they say give them a chance - so I did and end up getting devastated one after another. Until I had enough and as I tried to get closer to Him, my criteria changed. God knows that I wasn't looking for the petty criteria I used to look for (this time, I included Him), which for some people seemed like an even harder criteria.

Then this guy came. He was exactly what I was looking for pre-pandemic. Pure Chinese, taller than me and older than me. A guy who was willing to pursue me and don't need to make me have a hard time in dating. It's all I have ever wanted, but the problem was my heart, my gut and intuition wasn't at peace every time I was with him. It was never at peace the whole time. All because I chose to see if I could manage if God was not put into the equation of our courtship. I mean my mom wouldn't cry that much if she knew it was an okay match. She felt horrible about it - so horrible that she doesn't even want to meet the guy even if he's pure Chinese.

So I really think God was probably putting me into the test if I would bite at the temptation that my desires had yearned for a very long time or stick to what we planned. I think I passed the test if I end it right?

- A promotion at the wrong time.

I know I wrote that I received two proposals in a span of two weeks. One was the courtship and the other was my work proposal.

I think looking back, I felt it wasn't the right time for me to get promoted, but I think the circumstance surrounding to my love life situation felt like God told my bosses to do something about my current salary situation as He probably wanted to teach me a lesson in a way I would remember that I still end up crying about it.

As my boss mentioned the market was dry, like our company doesn't earn much for them to give salary, so why would they have to give me and others? I mean while other people are happy about what they got, I knew deep down mine was in a totally different situation like theirs. I'm happy my other colleagues understood when I told them I didn't initially sign the contract. They may felt like I'm ungrateful, but they knew my contract was different from theirs. They were given an increase but things were the same, while mine was both an increase and a change of status.

Maybe the promotion I had was not going to be a perfect time no matter where you place it on my corporate timeline. If I get promoted based on my highest salary increase, it would probably be unfair to me if I have to be promoted even if I haven't reach the said threshold. So now what happens was my salary was so close to the threshold, that they have no choice but to promote me, even if the amount was so small. I guess God probably knew it was going to be an awful way of celebrating my promotion no matter where He placed it, so He just used it to serve me a lesson. Or remind myself that whatever happens in my corporate life would not be the same as my love life.

I mean it was a quiet celebration. I didn't even treat my colleagues or even my top bosses who I usually go out for lunch on Mondays. I think they knew it was awful and insulting on my part to treat them with both of them knowing how much pesos I only received to be called a boss.

As I wrote this, now I knew why couples were crying as they get married, why guys were shouting on the top of the mountains when they finally got the yes from the girl they pursued. They worked hard for it, and they reaped the benefits of working or fighting for what they wanted.

I just hope that when it comes to love or when I'm married, it wouldn't be a quiet celebration or even a forced celebration just to tell the world, I finally made it even if my mind knows you aren't proud of what transpired. I know they said that you have to celebrate milestones or wins and not broadcast to everyone, but I feel like there is a difference between not celebrating because you wanted to keep it private vs you don't like to celebrate it because it wasn't worth celebrating.

I guess if I had an awful way of celebrating a milestone career wise, I hope that wouldn't happen the same thing if love arrives.

Emotionless Reencounter

Two years ago, my dating life went into shambles. As the song goes first cut is the deepest. This is not a one-date, chat a bit and you never met again scenario. It's a multiple dates on my probably few dating experience in a body that should have the ability to absorb the negative effects of dating such as rejection, ghosting and any other forms of telling you that you are unwanted, disliked, etc.

I tried everything I could probably think of, I guess even sought psychiatric help in navigating through the situation. As I try to find ways to heal myself and move forward from the situation, I was also looking forward on embarking a new path that I had never set foot before. Well I think as you have read my previous blogs, I met him there as I try to move forward somehow trying to forget about him and what he did against me. It's like a ghost came into real life and it shows up on a rainy afternoon and not on an evening where they were the most prominent based on the ancient story or horror genres.

I'll be lying to myself if I said that I should have gotten the said closure, I mean it is what it is whatever he said and like what one of the organizers said, he was in a compromising position wherein he was forced to interact with me, or else people would think that either I did something wrong to him (which I did not) or something horrible happened that it's better not to see face to face about it (which could be true).

I think I already got the closure I wanted last year when I joined the Fil-Chi Catholic Community that has probably been floating around for as long as I could remember but they weren't existent in my lifetime then. It's like making me realized that I had to experience that pain because the pleasure in terms of what my heart was yearning for was finally answered and as I told the story to the one of the new found friends I made, I told her, I think God answered two prayers at the same time. A community where we have the same upbringing and culture, but at the same time sharing the same goal which is to hopefully find our respective spouses. Then a community where it would allow me to practice Catholicism in a place where you are also of the same culture that wouldn't require you to give up one or the other just for sake of belongingness.

Fast forward to 22 months from the time I saw him the first time after he ghosted me, I had a sort of inkling that the event that I was about to go to, he would also be there too. As my new found friends had told me, he was usually present there. Still, I opted to go there because I wanted to know what the Grand Family Association was all about and the fee was cheap for a mooncake dice game so why not?

True enough, he was there as one of the organizers from another group pointed to me that he was there even if I wasn't aggressively searching for him (I was focused on filling out my human bingo card alright only to find out you are not supposed to start filling it out until the hosts told you so). So fast forward a bit, a part of me felt like it's so awkward trying to dodge or not mind someone just because logically they did something to you OR some people might say past is past OR what some people say since they knew that they were at fault, they would just depend on the one who got hurt to approach them. I mean after all, I think it's really harder to approach someone who you hurt than approaching someone who hurt you. I admit there is a tiny bit of nervousness, but I felt like why should I? I wasn't expecting anything in return, it's just that after all whether he chose to put it on the back of his mind to forget about it (aka Inside Out 2) or not wasn't my problem at all and I know for myself it's very awkward on dodging someone. Like I know they said for pride, dignity or maybe they said they want to banish you into their timeline, but you know that was not my problem. That's their problem. Who knows maybe they have those device the Men in Black were using just so your memories will be erased and they totally forget about you. Maybe if such device exists in real-life, we can opt to forget the pain by eliminating it from our memory.

In the end, I was quite fortunate that my mom's former co-teacher and my schoolmate (even if she was batches lower than me) was sitting on the same table as him. So I just talked with this said schoolmate first then gave him a quick hi as they are just one seat apart. After that, I immediately went back to talking to her.

You know what, when I said hi, and he somehow responded back, I didn't feel anything at all. There's no pain, no sort of happiness - or even anger (which is the leading emotion that should be taking over at the moment). Like nothing, well if there was, it's disdain or like disbelief and I said to myself 'what happened to his face?'. I know looks are subjective and he is good-looking in the eyes of our community, which is true but I guess for me I wasn't physically attracted to him in the first place so it would be easier for me to get turned off by his looks especially if things ended on sour note. It happened that my online friend from the US was online and I immediately messaged him that I saw the one who ghosted me at the event and told him what I did and how I felt, he responded saying that "cause I know my worth".

If I could compare myself from how I reacted from 22 months ago vs now, I could not believe that I felt like I was on a 360-degree turn on how I approach the same situation. Like what one of the organizers from another group said, she felt that I was healed and moved on already. I then responded to her and said I realized that they kept on saying that time heals all wounds. It was true to a certain extent, but time can only do so much if we do not do anything about it. It was our decision whether we heal that wound or not. Like one of my colleagues said to me before some questions doesn't always have the answer, but you just have to move forward and take it as it is. However for me, I knew I'm blessed that God allowed me to have clarity in the situation that I was going through. To make me realize that He has to do it even if He knows it would hurt me so badly because He knows that He is going to be there with me during the hard times. It allowed me to grow and maybe mature as a person. Similar to how a parent allow you to fail and fall when you're young as you try to embark on the things that you've never done before, because they knew that if they don't allow you to experience those things, you'll never learn and you would forever become scared on something that was supposed to be peanuts at that point in time.

Who knows what would happen next or if there would still be another next time, but all I can say at that moment was that I didn't feel any emotions especially the negative ones, in fact I was so calm and peaceful after that encounter. Like the previous me 22 months ago would be in disbelief on what had just happened and how I reacted when the situation happened again, but it is what it is. I think I'm okay, because deep down I knew it has to happen and God just used him in order for it to happen. Similar to how God probably used us as His instruments in order to either help someone grow, a key to someone else's answers or healing or probably someone to save us from imminent danger that we are unaware of.

Before I forget, after we did our Pilgrimage at Landmark Makati, my mom told me to shop for shoes as I was shopping, we met another of my mom's co-teacher and we met her son (who was supposed to get paired with me that time but it was just that I'm still studying in college when they attempted to do that so they scraped it off). So I learned that this guy and I sought help to the same matchmaker and it just that his worked out with his now wife and they told us that each of them paid the matchmaker 150 thousand pesos each.

Looking back, since we're talking about the matchmaker who happened to introduce me to someone who eventually ghosted me, I realized I probably dodged a major bullet. Imagine you have to endure paying the matchmaker 150 thousand pesos for the burden that he would give you for the rest of your life? I really think that is not worth paying for.

Replacing Memories

Six years ago, I met a guy who introduced me this place - 張家界 through his stories as he was doing a side gig as a tour guide on top of his family business. During our get to know phase, there was a time where he would be out of the country and would assist the tourists or something like that. He would then show me pictures of the places he went and the activities that he did.

I admit it was a very beautiful place. It became even more famous when the place became the basis of someone's inspiration of a movie directed by James Cameron. So famous and beautiful that when things ended in a somewhat bitter end, it pains me that the place would always makes me remind of him. During that time all I wanted was to go there for the sake of forgetting the place associated with him. I think I could say that I was a bit wrecked that time. I think I tried searching how to go there... it's like there's so many questions that popped in my head on how to even go there and who would be on board with it and I think I was at the stage where I am not confident enough to spend my own money to go there. Then pandemic came, which made travelling even more impossible to achieve and it's also harder to forget a place that was attached to someone since those were just few months off at the start of the pandemic.

Then fast forward to this year where I was able to achieve a lot of things in relation to my travel, then I felt I was more financially comfortable enough that I was ready to spend money to go to a more expensive place such as Canada. In addition, I met a lot of friends especially in my community. Until one of my friends in the community kept on exploring the different cities in China. That time all I wanted was to go to any place in China as a full-time tourist, not as a tourist who merely get stuck in a dormitory of a university for most of the time of your stay. I subtly tell my friend if there was any tour available that I could join to... then she just told me that she would be glad for me to join her.

Until this trip happened. She asked if I was available on the said travel dates, and I said yes without caring where it was - even if it was in Xiamen where I've been before. After I said I was available on her said dates, I just learned it was in 張家界. How coincidental right? Then what's funny was this friend of mine was also linked with the same guy before we got to know each other and we both know it.

After learning it, I just told this friend, what a coincidence, now I get to replace the memories of what he told me of the place with my experience of going to the place.

Looking back, I'm so happy that the timing was right. I guess we should say that one shouldn't doubt the timing of the Lord. If I probably used my impulse on going there without anybody, without my mom's approval of going there alone or not being able to make your friends spend on something that they are not interested in going, I think it's going to be a disaster overall. I know I ended up spending in China more than what I was supposed to spend in my 11 whole days of stay in Canada due to ending up in compulsory shops that I don't know why I end up buying - hopefully it was worth it in the end. Lol!

Also I realized that everything has to work in God's favor and probably my parents' favor so that I would be able to go there while they would be at peace. I mean my mom doesn't want to allow me to go to the place she doesn't know who I was with. Then it was really helpful that last year's Chinese New Year my mom and I randomly met this said friend and her mom so somehow my mom was able to converse with my friend's mom - I think it was a big factor for them to allow me to go because she was able to meet them in person. So once she allowed me to go to Canada on my own (also knowing that my Ah Ku and Ah Kim are living there), I felt like everything was easy.

Lastly, as much as I am aware at the back of the mind the things the guy I met six years ago said about the place, I was able to see the place in a different light without any trace of the fragments of his experiences that he shared with me. It's basically a whole new experience for me. I am so thankful for the timing. I guess when they say God will give it to you, it just has to be in His time and when you aren't looking for it, that's the time the Lord would probably give it to you and you'll just have a lightbulb moment of "Oh, I used to say that I wanted to go on that place.". Also I think He just want to make sure I get to make the most out of the trip - and I surely did!