I Remember... All Too Well

I REMEMBER the times I was wondering if you were the one for me because for the first time I got what I wanted in a man. My initial petty criteria of being pure Chinese, taller and older than me with no regard for how tall or how old they are - hence our same Chinese Zodiac signs albeit you being older than me by a whole cycle. 😅

I REMEMBER that you were the only guy I introduced to my friends in person thinking maybe you were the one for me and you seemed to be everything that I may have been looking for until the time wherein we cannot see each other in person due to your driver’s license issue.

I REMEMBER that summer of 2021 when those same friends I introduced you to told me that you do not have any plans for me because if you do, you will attempt to level it up already. 

I REMEMBER that same night my friends voiced their opinion about you was exactly the same night I attended the Zoom Wedding Reception of one of my classmates from graduate school and happily told you that I won a prize during the event only for you to comment and send the IATF guidelines that they violated the protocols with only an acknowledgement that there was such thing.

I REMEMBER that very next day through my dear friend’s advice prior to her departure to our home country that I am in a situationship and should be careful about it that I was awakened - awakened that my possible feelings towards you were finally shut off. That giddy feeling of what could have been a how I met my husband turns into a nightmare on how disastrous it would be to spend the rest of my life with someone who is constantly sapping all the joy that you had in you every time you want to share your own random happiness.

I REMEMBER the time I decided that I had enough - enough meaning I stopped telling stories that made me happy - because you are just going to sap that tiny ounce of joy in me right? I was there during your down times, but the difference was I made it felt like it was everything about you and less about me - after all, it seems like that is what you wanted right?

I REMEMBER that during Christmas holidays of 2021 until the first month of 2022 you may start noticing that I was pulling away. I knew with your high sensitivity, you knew something was off and you were trying to make more effort that would lead me to respond in a civil way…

I REMEMBER that Valentines of 2022 instead of me filling giddy with the stuffed pig and chocolates you sent, I was annoyed that you even sent one because I knew it was over and yet it seems like you are trying to breadcrumb me or what since you seem to be an expert on these things.

I REMEMBER in March 2022 when I decided to end the dating that was downgraded into talking stage or situationship (whatever is the proper label - but definitely not in a relationship, this I’m sure of) with someone for almost two years. Almost two years of stagnation where friends are calling you borderline stupid - or stupid as they say for wasting my time chatting with a guy that leads to nowhere. While yes it was true that it led to nowhere, in fact my heart and brain knew it all too well that I had enough. I don’t know if you trying to win me back was to make sure you have me as a spare tire or bread crumbing me in the hope you would still find someone better while you still fulfill the need to have someone to talk to without commitment from your end.

I REMEMBER when I told you when you said your driver’s license is about to be fixed and wanted to see me when it’s fixed and I said I don’t want to deal with another uncertainty of waiting and I also said you don’t need me anymore in my life - because you are now prepared with the next girl you will be seeing since there will be no more obstacles for you.

I REMEMBER that one fateful day of December this year in an event wherein your character and attitude is so bizarre that one of the listeners of my story about you asked if it was you. The shock that I received from her and she then proceeded to tell me that you are probably getting married to a girl who is at her late 20s if I heard it right. She also consoled me that you and I wouldn’t be compatible and you are so choosy. Well, I guess that explains why you probably dragged it for so long.

I REMEMBER what I said to you before and I don’t feel any bitterness that you found someone first before me. I was even happy because I knew I was right - I was right that you are now fully prepared for the next girl after me without any obstacles. I was right that I finally decided to end the charade of constant communication without any means of whether you want to level it up or not.

I REMEMBER that I was relieved when it was all over… that it may have cost my youth, but I was able to peacefully walk away from something that I wouldn’t regret leaving. After all, I already exhausted all possible ways but also made sure that my heart is still intact.

I REMEMBER when I said I won’t shed a tear on you… and I was right. I didn’t because my heart and mind knew you were the only one who met my initial criteria… and if it didn’t work out, it’s fine because there was technically no risk involved in changing your standards and hoping that you might be the one.

I REMEMBER in the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s All Too Well 10-minute version, she said “I get older but your lovers stay my age” is so funny and relatable now because your ex before me, me and probably the girl you’re with right now, and also probably all the girls you dated during your younger years were right around the same age when we first met you while your age changes depending on who you met first among us. You make reasons that you look young so you have an excuse to find someone way younger than your chronological age. Perhaps you are similar to Leonardo Di Caprio where as your age, your lovers stay the same age it’s just that you allow your lovers to go above 30 years old. 😅

I REMEMBER that there are still people that are older, taller and pure Chinese. I just have to patiently wait for him - it’s just definitely not you anymore.