Distortion

Days have passed and I posted Brain’s message to Heart on Fil-Chi groups anonymously. As I read one of the commenters who said that maybe I should consider that I was not really into him. Then I remember my friend from the US also said the same thing about my feelings for this guy. This friend of mine knew from the get-go that I wasn’t really on-board with the idea of dating someone younger. I even posted on one of my tweets that I cannot phantom the idea of dating someone younger even for a day almost a month before I met this guy - and here I was, ate crow and went out with someone six months younger.

Then it dawned on me that I may have a distorted fantasy in a different sense. Yes they kept on saying not to start imagining things until it comes to reality. However I realized that I had an unusual view. I imagined more on how I would help his mom in doing household chores or bring her to the places she was never brought to by her son and less on how my dynamic with him would happen if we end up being together - which is not a good idea because at the end of the day your romantic relationship is far more important than the relationship you are going to have with the other people in his life.

I can say that the distortion was real and if you are not careful, you will fall for the disillusion. Like some people say, heartbreaks are previews of what could have been in the future... It's not only heartbreaks that are valid previews but so does how a man treats his mother would determine how he would more or less treat you… You saw the scene... you experienced the scene... you know that there is something questionable in that scene... but you chose to turn your blind eye because you thought it was cute.

At least for now, even if it may mean a lost cause of how much you probably took the biggest risk on what could be your biggest what if in your life if you don’t take a chance, I’m starting to realize that with my personality, I cannot phantom with an idea who have a different upbringing than I was. I was born to learn how to share in my limited capacity, he was brought up not learning how to give as he might be used to receiving everything. The fact that he wasn’t able to give something to the people he courted - what more to the one he went out with in which both of you are testing the waters? I don’t know if you can say if he is selfish or he just doesn’t know how to approach things the proper way.

Also, the things you yearned for in a man, he cannot give it to you. If you want to be treated like a baby sometimes - he is not going to give that to you since you would be the one who is going to treat him like a baby and do not expect to get any ounce of care that you desire. Not only that, I realized that it would be extremely difficult if you are going to spend the rest of your life with a person who probably has his past traumas where you never even got a chance to delve into the emotional aspect of his life while you on the other hand was willing to express your feelings in a certain situation even if your MBTI personality says otherwise. Who knew that a person who looks like an innocent and fragile angelic face would be the one to crush you into a million pieces that you have never imagined. This was all because your mind cannot comprehend that if he would just be a stopover, what lesson would he impart you if you thought you were more experienced in this? Meanwhile, if he was my final destination, where were the valid challenges and struggles that every married person needs to weather from to make the destination more fulfilling? At last we realized that with that innocent and fragile look, hidden within is a heartless person who never knew how to apologize for the mistakes that he did, who showed no signs of remorse for the hurt that he caused on you when you crossed paths and he acknowledged your presence as if nothing had happened. Which now would make you realize that I should thank God that He saved me from an angelic-looking face that is a monster within that would crush every ounce of yourself should your hard-headed self persist in holding on.

I may not be ready to meet someone yet - in fact I was looking forward for next year’s Valentine’s Day without seeing anyone prior to that event as I wouldn’t want to be giddy on such an occasion that would require me to do some sacrifices for Ash Wednesday which also falls on next year’s Valentine’s Day.