When the organizer asked us to go to our assigned seats for the Speed Dating segment, I was seated diagonally across him. He did acknowledged my presence so silently greeted him too. Maybe I just made it a little awkward introducing my name to him as not to make the same girl I chose to sit with realized that it was him I was referring to prior to rearrangement of seats as I told her and other fellow girls of my age that the one who ghosted me was in the venue but never told them who it was.
So the speed dating segments means that the guys would have to move counter clockwise after three minutes of talking to a girl. Sometimes you don't know what was God's purpose. I was thinking three minutes was enough for me to clarify things with him as I don't need to delve into getting to know stage since I already know him. But the funny thing was since the movement is counter clockwise from their starting position coupled with me clarifying to organizers about their movement (as when the men's position shifted, I ended up with no one), they said that the one who seated with me diagonally would come back to me. That means I would be talking with him last, which is even a more perfect one as I can focus on getting to know guys more while not being distracted with whatever I wanted to clarify things to him
When our turn to talk with each other comes, I just jumped straight to the point asking why and further clarifications such as saying I understand if he couldn't accept the crucial information I disclosed to him only to find out that it wasn't the case. He said he didn't feel anything for me prior to our last date and he was just trying to see if there is something for two more weeks after we last met. I kept on asking then why didn't you tell me or the matchmaker if you didn't feel anything. He said he didn't know how to tell me - which I really think it was a cowardly move. I believe with what he said because I could sense the way he was sending his message the exact time he said he was having doubts about me.
Again, the reason was something that was out of my control. It wasn't I had an attitude problem that would make him think twice about me. I cannot do anything as you cannot force people to love you if he doesn't feel anything. Like he told me, he tried his best and I said I know that there's nothing I could do or change the situation in order for him to change his mind. He kept reassuring that it's not the information I disclosed to him that caused him to back off nor I said or do something that offended him. I told him you made it look like that was the reason because of the timing and he did acknowledged about it. After that speed dating segment, I got the closure that I never thought I needed from a ghost (maybe I can be a ghost medium now? Lol). So after the event, I thanked him, said that I don't know if I would see him again and nice meeting him then extended a handshake before leaving the venue.
I think I said what I needed to say to him and maybe realizing that he didn't know what he did was ghosting (that's why he never sat down during an honesty game when the organizer asked if you ghosted someone). Maybe I could have called him out for saying that the elephant at the zoo we last went died even before he officially died. Lol! When I told people about this instance, I just knew GOD IS SO GOOD! I never asked for a closure as I knew closures were never given to the one being ghosted, yet the Lord gave me this opportunity. Logically his reason why he was disinterested with me was more valid than what I thought it was, it's still equally painful in the sense you cannot do anything about it because you cannot dictate a person on who to love.
I know it was a tough road ahead of me since I was stuck on how do you improve yourself if the reason things fell apart was he just doesn't feel anything for you and he assured that it's not what I revealed nor I may have said something that offended him. It's not like you did something wrong, so you know what to do the next time around so you would be a better person for the next one.
My mom probably explained it best, you are already perfect, the person knew you are perfect, his mom probably knew you're perfect. It's just that he cannot feel anything for him to continue to go out and get to know me better. I guess it's a matter of praying and hoping that the next person that would come would be able to see my worth as a person that they would feel that it is worth going after me. As some of my colleagues may have told me, I deserve to be pursued and loved.
I sometimes wondered why would he had to re-enter my life if I think I am okay with the idea of getting ghosted without knowing the reason why. If he has to re-enter my life to clear things out, why would God allow an almost two-month time frame? Turns out maybe time is what I really needed at that moment. As my college friend sent a bible verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 saying that there is a time for everything. I guess time to recover, to heal, to understand myself, to clear my head from clouded judgement and thoughts. Because if he suddenly showed up and I was not utterly prepared to see him, I would have responded in the most immature way because of the amount of pain that I was experiencing. However in the event, I was calm and was able to articulate my thoughts towards him and he was not also being defensive because if you raise your voice, people would start being defensive if they aren't calm too right?
I just want to thank God for everything. As they say, there is nothing impossible without Him. He allowed me to have this opportunity to have an unexpected closure where majority of being ghosted would have wanted too. I know that I may not be that ready to meet people for a deeper relationship for now - after all it's a matter of not making the same mistake as I did during the start of lockdown. Maybe - just maybe if I would be able to be prepared for it the second time around, coupled with finding ways on how to love yourself and realize that you are more than enough, he might show up at the most unexpected moment.
The end.
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