I Remember... All Too Well

I REMEMBER the times I was wondering if you were the one for me because for the first time I got what I wanted in a man. My initial petty criteria of being pure Chinese, taller and older than me with no regard for how tall or how old they are - hence our same Chinese Zodiac signs albeit you being older than me by a whole cycle. 😅

I REMEMBER that you were the only guy I introduced to my friends in person thinking maybe you were the one for me and you seemed to be everything that I may have been looking for until the time wherein we cannot see each other in person due to your driver’s license issue.

I REMEMBER that summer of 2021 when those same friends I introduced you to told me that you do not have any plans for me because if you do, you will attempt to level it up already. 

I REMEMBER that same night my friends voiced their opinion about you was exactly the same night I attended the Zoom Wedding Reception of one of my classmates from graduate school and happily told you that I won a prize during the event only for you to comment and send the IATF guidelines that they violated the protocols with only an acknowledgement that there was such thing.

I REMEMBER that very next day through my dear friend’s advice prior to her departure to our home country that I am in a situationship and should be careful about it that I was awakened - awakened that my possible feelings towards you were finally shut off. That giddy feeling of what could have been a how I met my husband turns into a nightmare on how disastrous it would be to spend the rest of my life with someone who is constantly sapping all the joy that you had in you every time you want to share your own random happiness.

I REMEMBER the time I decided that I had enough - enough meaning I stopped telling stories that made me happy - because you are just going to sap that tiny ounce of joy in me right? I was there during your down times, but the difference was I made it felt like it was everything about you and less about me - after all, it seems like that is what you wanted right?

I REMEMBER that during Christmas holidays of 2021 until the first month of 2022 you may start noticing that I was pulling away. I knew with your high sensitivity, you knew something was off and you were trying to make more effort that would lead me to respond in a civil way…

I REMEMBER that Valentines of 2022 instead of me filling giddy with the stuffed pig and chocolates you sent, I was annoyed that you even sent one because I knew it was over and yet it seems like you are trying to breadcrumb me or what since you seem to be an expert on these things.

I REMEMBER in March 2022 when I decided to end the dating that was downgraded into talking stage or situationship (whatever is the proper label - but definitely not in a relationship, this I’m sure of) with someone for almost two years. Almost two years of stagnation where friends are calling you borderline stupid - or stupid as they say for wasting my time chatting with a guy that leads to nowhere. While yes it was true that it led to nowhere, in fact my heart and brain knew it all too well that I had enough. I don’t know if you trying to win me back was to make sure you have me as a spare tire or bread crumbing me in the hope you would still find someone better while you still fulfill the need to have someone to talk to without commitment from your end.

I REMEMBER when I told you when you said your driver’s license is about to be fixed and wanted to see me when it’s fixed and I said I don’t want to deal with another uncertainty of waiting and I also said you don’t need me anymore in my life - because you are now prepared with the next girl you will be seeing since there will be no more obstacles for you.

I REMEMBER that one fateful day of December this year in an event wherein your character and attitude is so bizarre that one of the listeners of my story about you asked if it was you. The shock that I received from her and she then proceeded to tell me that you are probably getting married to a girl who is at her late 20s if I heard it right. She also consoled me that you and I wouldn’t be compatible and you are so choosy. Well, I guess that explains why you probably dragged it for so long.

I REMEMBER what I said to you before and I don’t feel any bitterness that you found someone first before me. I was even happy because I knew I was right - I was right that you are now fully prepared for the next girl after me without any obstacles. I was right that I finally decided to end the charade of constant communication without any means of whether you want to level it up or not.

I REMEMBER that I was relieved when it was all over… that it may have cost my youth, but I was able to peacefully walk away from something that I wouldn’t regret leaving. After all, I already exhausted all possible ways but also made sure that my heart is still intact.

I REMEMBER when I said I won’t shed a tear on you… and I was right. I didn’t because my heart and mind knew you were the only one who met my initial criteria… and if it didn’t work out, it’s fine because there was technically no risk involved in changing your standards and hoping that you might be the one.

I REMEMBER in the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s All Too Well 10-minute version, she said “I get older but your lovers stay my age” is so funny and relatable now because your ex before me, me and probably the girl you’re with right now, and also probably all the girls you dated during your younger years were right around the same age when we first met you while your age changes depending on who you met first among us. You make reasons that you look young so you have an excuse to find someone way younger than your chronological age. Perhaps you are similar to Leonardo Di Caprio where as your age, your lovers stay the same age it’s just that you allow your lovers to go above 30 years old. 😅

I REMEMBER that there are still people that are older, taller and pure Chinese. I just have to patiently wait for him - it’s just definitely not you anymore.

Distortion

Days have passed and I posted Brain’s message to Heart on Fil-Chi groups anonymously. As I read one of the commenters who said that maybe I should consider that I was not really into him. Then I remember my friend from the US also said the same thing about my feelings for this guy. This friend of mine knew from the get-go that I wasn’t really on-board with the idea of dating someone younger. I even posted on one of my tweets that I cannot phantom the idea of dating someone younger even for a day almost a month before I met this guy - and here I was, ate crow and went out with someone six months younger.

Then it dawned on me that I may have a distorted fantasy in a different sense. Yes they kept on saying not to start imagining things until it comes to reality. However I realized that I had an unusual view. I imagined more on how I would help his mom in doing household chores or bring her to the places she was never brought to by her son and less on how my dynamic with him would happen if we end up being together - which is not a good idea because at the end of the day your romantic relationship is far more important than the relationship you are going to have with the other people in his life.

I can say that the distortion was real and if you are not careful, you will fall for the disillusion. Like some people say, heartbreaks are previews of what could have been in the future... It's not only heartbreaks that are valid previews but so does how a man treats his mother would determine how he would more or less treat you… You saw the scene... you experienced the scene... you know that there is something questionable in that scene... but you chose to turn your blind eye because you thought it was cute.

At least for now, even if it may mean a lost cause of how much you probably took the biggest risk on what could be your biggest what if in your life if you don’t take a chance, I’m starting to realize that with my personality, I cannot phantom with an idea who have a different upbringing than I was. I was born to learn how to share in my limited capacity, he was brought up not learning how to give as he might be used to receiving everything. The fact that he wasn’t able to give something to the people he courted - what more to the one he went out with in which both of you are testing the waters? I don’t know if you can say if he is selfish or he just doesn’t know how to approach things the proper way.

Also, the things you yearned for in a man, he cannot give it to you. If you want to be treated like a baby sometimes - he is not going to give that to you since you would be the one who is going to treat him like a baby and do not expect to get any ounce of care that you desire. Not only that, I realized that it would be extremely difficult if you are going to spend the rest of your life with a person who probably has his past traumas where you never even got a chance to delve into the emotional aspect of his life while you on the other hand was willing to express your feelings in a certain situation even if your MBTI personality says otherwise. Who knew that a person who looks like an innocent and fragile angelic face would be the one to crush you into a million pieces that you have never imagined. This was all because your mind cannot comprehend that if he would just be a stopover, what lesson would he impart you if you thought you were more experienced in this? Meanwhile, if he was my final destination, where were the valid challenges and struggles that every married person needs to weather from to make the destination more fulfilling? At last we realized that with that innocent and fragile look, hidden within is a heartless person who never knew how to apologize for the mistakes that he did, who showed no signs of remorse for the hurt that he caused on you when you crossed paths and he acknowledged your presence as if nothing had happened. Which now would make you realize that I should thank God that He saved me from an angelic-looking face that is a monster within that would crush every ounce of yourself should your hard-headed self persist in holding on.

I may not be ready to meet someone yet - in fact I was looking forward for next year’s Valentine’s Day without seeing anyone prior to that event as I wouldn’t want to be giddy on such an occasion that would require me to do some sacrifices for Ash Wednesday which also falls on next year’s Valentine’s Day.

Ghoster Epilogue: Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

I know right now you are still in distraught. We both thought that we are ready to move forward after what happened with the guy we last went out with two months ago. We thought we're just waiting for the scab to naturally peel off as what all wounds are meant to do right? But that one fateful event last weekend caused that scab to reinjure itself. Then it doesn't help when it was the first time we experienced being ghosted by the guy we last went out with only to see that same ghost facing the venue's entrance on a rainy afternoon. I know the horror we both experienced. It's like you would rather watch the scariest horror movie of all time or ride the scariest or most dangerous ride in an amusement park rather than seeing a ghost in a human flesh. Heck, I'm sure you weren't even scared whenever you visited a horror booth.

I know we both agreed that closure is not what we needed prior to that unexpected encounter - but because that was the situation that was presented in front of us, we might as well take the chance to clarify things with him. Logically, what he said the reason he wasn't interested was understandable - he doesn't have any feelings for us even if he said he tried his very best (we both knew he was telling the truth too). After all the priest told us that we can't beg for love, it was just that we both know that it was a cowardly move on his part not to tell us immediately or even tell the mutual person who introduced us and he chose to quietly walk away after almost three months of chatting and seeing each other in person just because he said he doesn't know how to tell us. We technically got the closure that we never thought we needed, it's just that I comprehended already - but I understand if you haven't yet.

Dear Heart, I understand that it wasn't easy on your part because we both knew that we initially didn't have any interest with him when the matchmaker attempted to pair us up with him - at all. Eventually, we decided that as we got to know him, we would choose to take a chance on him. I understand that between the two of us, you were the one who gambled more. I knew that it was the riskiest move that you did in your entire dating life. If it means admitting that you did love him (first love perhaps?) during those times because of the amount of care and concern you had on making sure he wouldn't get hurt - even if it means you or we would be hurt in the end, then so be it. Foolish as it may be, but if we can't admit it - it would be harder to move forward because you wouldn't still understand what is going on with you until now right?

I just want you to know that one day you will wake up to the reality on why being with him wouldn't work out in the long run. He wouldn't be able to give the love we wanted and deserve. I know we both saw the red flags on him, it's just that we either put it on the back of our mind or we immediately brushed it off because his mom was able to cover up the glimpse of his supposed red flag when we both invited her in one of our dates with him. I believe that one day you will realize that there is someone better that will come in our life, just know that I am here for you throughout this journey. You are going to be alright - you have to be proud of yourself from this experience because it shows how courageous you could be on taking a risk on loving someone - even if it means to be an unreciprocated one.

Sincerely,

Brain

Ghoster Part 6: God's Christmas Present

When the organizer asked us to go to our assigned seats for the Speed Dating segment, I was seated diagonally across him. He did acknowledged my presence so silently greeted him too. Maybe I just made it a little awkward introducing my name to him as not to make the same girl I chose to sit with realized that it was him I was referring to prior to rearrangement of seats as I told her and other fellow girls of my age that the one who ghosted me was in the venue but never told them who it was.

So the speed dating segments means that the guys would have to move counter clockwise after three minutes of talking to a girl. Sometimes you don't know what was God's purpose. I was thinking three minutes was enough for me to clarify things with him as I don't need to delve into getting to know stage since I already know him. But the funny thing was since the movement is counter clockwise from their starting position coupled with me clarifying to organizers about their movement (as when the men's position shifted, I ended up with no one), they said that the one who seated with me diagonally would come back to me. That means I would be talking with him last, which is even a more perfect one as I can focus on getting to know guys more while not being distracted with whatever I wanted to clarify things to him

When our turn to talk with each other comes, I just jumped straight to the point asking why and further clarifications such as saying I understand if he couldn't accept the crucial information I disclosed to him only to find out that it wasn't the case. He said he didn't feel anything for me prior to our last date and he was just trying to see if there is something for two more weeks after we last met. I kept on asking then why didn't you tell me or the matchmaker if you didn't feel anything. He said he didn't know how to tell me - which I really think it was a cowardly move. I believe with what he said because I could sense the way he was sending his message the exact time he said he was having doubts about me.

Again, the reason was something that was out of my control. It wasn't I had an attitude problem that would make him think twice about me. I cannot do anything as you cannot force people to love you if he doesn't feel anything. Like he told me, he tried his best and I said I know that there's nothing I could do or change the situation in order for him to change his mind. He kept reassuring that it's not the information I disclosed to him that caused him to back off nor I said or do something that offended him. I told him you made it look like that was the reason because of the timing and he did acknowledged about it. After that speed dating segment, I got the closure that I never thought I needed from a ghost (maybe I can be a ghost medium now? Lol). So after the event, I thanked him, said that I don't know if I would see him again and nice meeting him then extended a handshake before leaving the venue.

I think I said what I needed to say to him and maybe realizing that he didn't know what he did was ghosting (that's why he never sat down during an honesty game when the organizer asked if you ghosted someone). Maybe I could have called him out for saying that the elephant at the zoo we last went died even before he officially died. Lol! When I told people about this instance, I just knew GOD IS SO GOOD! I never asked for a closure as I knew closures were never given to the one being ghosted, yet the Lord gave me this opportunity. Logically his reason why he was disinterested with me was more valid than what I thought it was, it's still equally painful in the sense you cannot do anything about it because you cannot dictate a person on who to love.

I know it was a tough road ahead of me since I was stuck on how do you improve yourself if the reason things fell apart was he just doesn't feel anything for you and he assured that it's not what I revealed nor I may have said something that offended him. It's not like you did something wrong, so you know what to do the next time around so you would be a better person for the next one.

My mom probably explained it best, you are already perfect, the person knew you are perfect, his mom probably knew you're perfect. It's just that he cannot feel anything for him to continue to go out and get to know me better. I guess it's a matter of praying and hoping that the next person that would come would be able to see my worth as a person that they would feel that it is worth going after me. As some of my colleagues may have told me, I deserve to be pursued and loved.

I sometimes wondered why would he had to re-enter my life if I think I am okay with the idea of getting ghosted without knowing the reason why. If he has to re-enter my life to clear things out, why would God allow an almost two-month time frame? Turns out maybe time is what I really needed at that moment. As my college friend sent a bible verse ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭8 saying that there is a time for everything. I guess time to recover, to heal, to understand myself, to clear my head from clouded judgement and thoughts. Because if he suddenly showed up and I was not utterly prepared to see him, I would have responded in the most immature way because of the amount of pain that I was experiencing. However in the event, I was calm and was able to articulate my thoughts towards him and he was not also being defensive because if you raise your voice, people would start being defensive if they aren't calm too right?

I just want to thank God for everything. As they say, there is nothing impossible without Him. He allowed me to have this opportunity to have an unexpected closure where majority of being ghosted would have wanted too. I know that I may not be that ready to meet people for a deeper relationship for now - after all it's a matter of not making the same mistake as I did during the start of lockdown. Maybe - just maybe if I would be able to be prepared for it the second time around, coupled with finding ways on how to love yourself and realize that you are more than enough, he might show up at the most unexpected moment.

The end.

Ghoster Part 5: Haunted

HE WAS THERE! He was there at the same event as I was attending to. He didn't know that I was there because I only saw his back. I knew it was him! The shirt he wore was similar to the shirt he wore on our first date. The bag was still the same bag he was sporting throughout all our dates. As I saw him from afar, he asked the security guard something and went somewhere inside the venue. My knees were trembling so much and my heart was racing so fast as I don't know what to do because I didn't expect him to be there especially the event would last until the evening. Like I said, he said he doesn't want to leave at night. What was happening!? I didn't have the courage to go immediately inside the venue. I had to recompose myself. That time, I knew I needed to call someone, so I decided to call my mother. As I call her, all I said in Tagalog was, "Ma! Nakakita ako ng multo!" My mom said my reaction was so real as if I saw a real ghost - because that's how you would probably react if you would see a real ghost right? Well, I do not have an actual experience of seeing a ghost so this is probably the nearest most irrational thing right? Lol! So when I told her who I saw, my mother calmed my nerves and begged that I should not hinder myself from attending just because I thought I was already okay - but I wasn't. I spent 1,100 peso for that event, you can't just put that on waste too. Also, it is your chance to clarify things should the opportunity strike that you would be able to see him face to face once again right? So I went to the bathroom praying to God that that everything will be alright because I never saw this coming. It came out of the left field. I am also glad that one of my colleagues was able to answer my call and calmed me down as I go up the elevator to go to the venue itself.

I don't know why was this happening to me. I am already okay with the idea of being ghosted by this guy without explaining the reason why. I thought I was ready to move forward to meet someone only to realize when I saw his back that maybe I wasn't. Imagine when I rode the Journey to the Center of the Earth at Tokyo Disney Sea almost six weeks ago (I know it wasn't as scary as Tower of Terror as my colleagues that were with me are not up to the task of riding those), I didn't feel anything even the scariest part of the ride - I didn't even scream. But my encounter, that doesn't involve any spinning, anticipation on falling down from the very top that most people were scared to feel whenever they rides those - I felt the horror in every core of my body. It's like if you would rather see a person that ghosted you or ride the scariest ride of all time - I think I might choose the later one. That's how scary it was for me.

Oh well... it is what it is. The only thing you could have done is to brace yourself and hope that you were still composed with yourself whenever you would be tasked on having a face to face with him - if ever that happens...

(To be continued)…

Ghoster Part 4: Back on Track... or Not?

Japan trip was over, my birthdays (Chinese and Western) were already celebrated... I learned more about attachment style theories and felt that I might be in a freezing state trying to get out of the funk...

I think I am doing well right now. I realized I just have to take this one day at the time. Already talked to a psychiatrist with Chinese ancestry hoping she would be able to help me navigate the problem I told her (which I think helped a lot and she told me that maybe I was underestimating myself way too much). Not only that, I realized that maybe it's not that you miss the person, it's just that you miss the times when you want to talk with someone about anything which cause you to have pangs to your chest. Which is why thanks to Heidi Priebe, I started to create my own version of my Google Docs. Instead of Heidi Priebe's version wherein she would write to the Google Docs on what she wanted to say to an specific person, I wrote it for my future husband without knowing who that person is. By doing it that way, I realized that I was starting to get better and looked forward to writing stories to him. Who knows maybe one day if I would end up getting married to him, he would learn all the things I wanted to tell him if only he came earlier (but of course we shouldn't be able to rush things - as the saying goes, in God's perfect time.)

Then there's this Filipino-Chinese singles event I decided to attend to. I don't know what to expect. It's just that I know I would be meeting new people and hoping that he wouldn't be there. I mean it would last until the evening. He does not go out that late anyway so if ever I would be meeting someone from the past, that would be cool, but I wouldn't be bothered by it. Also, the age range is so favorable for me. Imagine ages 30 to 50. That means people in there are most probably older than me then hope that the girls in there are also older than you so you would have a fighting chance. Lol!

So the day comes... I was preparing everything that needs to be done and get ready for the event. All dress in black with matching heels (of course we got to weed out guys who were shorter than me or entertain guys who are still taller than you despite wearing heels). Then also placed the love charm on the black bag that my friend gave me for my birthday gift a few years ago.

I rode Grab not knowing what to expect and hoping for the best on a rainy Sunday afternoon. As the Grab driver dropped me off in the location, I saw a gold Innova car, the same car he was driving but I just knew it was just one of the gold Innova cars I just saw that was about to enter the parking entrance of the venue which is just one of the passing thoughts you had and hoping you find the one for you there. Until I shifted my eyes towards the venue's entrance, I saw the style of clothing of a person that seems familiar and then saw the bag the person was sporting was very familiar too... That's the time my heart was racing as fast as a Shinkansen Bullet Train and my whole body trembled...

(To be continued) …