My Konceptual Dream

 Dear Keldon Dominic (KD),

    I have been thinking what would I name you should we both finally decide that you should come into this world. I’ve been thinking about a lot of different male names and I will be honest while some people make sure there is a biblical meaning or it should sound good, I felt like I am okay with the idea of giving you this name. I would have wanted to do Domantas as your second name, but I think that is too stretched out and honestly, there is no English equivalent of that name that can both mean intelligence or gift from God.

I know Keldon might sound weird in this country, let alone the meaning of your name seems insignificant as it means “Town of the Keels”. I guess there’s what they called inspiration as a basis of naming someone. If ever you decide to come into this world, I always want you to be happy, like you are a ray of sunshine just like Keldon Johnson, even at the midst of trials of their team, he is still the happy lad that you know. I am not saying that you have to pretend to be happy when you are not. Perhaps I want you to appreciate the simple things that come into your life. You know that mommy is always going to be here for you.

However, in this cruel and distrusting world, I don’t even know if I want to bring you into this mess. A part of me doesn't want you to come not because I don’t love you, but instead I knew that because of my genetic issues, there is a huge chance that you would have to endure a lot of pain and including some other environmental factors that we cannot control. I guess when most parents say that if only their children could pass on the pain to them, they would do it in a heartbeat to accept and endure them instead of their beloved child.

Perhaps some people think that depriving you of a chance to be in this world is such a selfish idea as why would I not allow someone to experience life? They kept on saying there is always a risk of having a child, but there’s a lot of fulfillment when it comes to having one. However, these people who keep on saying it sometimes forget that some people aren’t blessed enough to give birth to a normal child even if they already did everything in their power to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The issues that they could pass on to their children does not involve a stigma that is extremely horrifying to the parents if they found out their child had one.

I love you KD, but I don’t know if I would be able to get through this with the world being so cruel right now. I know people say the world is more open right now to the so-called differently abled, but in the community that you will belong to, I am still uncertain because the thing is I have to be one of the silent individuals to pave the road first - such as finding someone who would accept my flaws that I was born with that also belonged in the same community. It’s like if you were born with a dark skin, no matter how much glutathione you inject in your skin, you would still pass on your dark skin traits or vice versa. So you see, even if I get myself treated to be what society perceives as normal, I cannot avoid the fact that there’s a chance that you will get it from me and hiding it from your father would be criminal from my point of view. Nobody wants to feel betrayed by withholding some crucial information, right?

Right now at my age based on the life plan we created in one of our MBA subjects in Graduate School, I said that if I didn’t get married at the age of 29, I wouldn’t give birth anymore because I know once you hit 30s, the risk is higher. I’m 33 now KD, if we are going to be rigid, you will only be my conceptual dream… dream of what you will look like or how you will grow up. However, despite numerous measures on birth control, if God wants you to come into this world, He will bring you to me in His perfect time.

They say that a child doesn’t have the chance to choose their own parents. So as an individual, you have to make sure to choose your right partner and eventually a parent for your child. However they also said that the children are God’s gift from above where He might be sending angels to us in the form of children. It is a weird thing to request from you KD, but if you think that everything is going to be fine should you decide to come into this world, I hope that you would be able to help me discern in choosing who would you like to be your father that would not only love us unconditionally but to also help me raise you to be the best possible version of you.

Love,
Mommy

Most Painful Stopover or Longest Haul to Final Destination?

They said finding love is a journey… a journey wherein you would have experienced a lot such as the normal short and quick stopovers, a thought of your final destination because of the duration of your stay in that place only to find out you wouldn’t settle there, or it could be a very, very long haul only to find out it was your final destination.

So around two weeks ago, I sought an astrologer and a human design reader (same individual). I know they say not to solely depend on their predictions, but I decided to try it out for the sake of knowing myself better such as my strengths and weaknesses as an individual.

According to my chart, the astrologer was telling me that within the next few months, my dating life would be ramping up and I’m going to meet someone long-term; however, she also said that I’m going to marry late - which was also predicted a year ago by the face reader that I’m going to get married before the age of 40.

Which now leads me to asking a lot of questions and making assumptions. However, despite the questions and assumptions, this will all boil down to what are you willing to sacrifice, what are you willing to take risk in order to finally reach your final destination? It’s a matter of based on the information available to you, which path are you willing to take?

If I’m going to use that prediction as a basis, I know this is going to be a crazy year in terms of my dating life even if it we’re only in the 1st quarter since as of the moment, I already went out twice with two different guys - that is an achievement on my part because it means I already saw two different men in a span of single calendar year compared to before where I only meet one guy in the same calendar year. By going at this trend, we could say that maybe - just maybe I would finally be in my first romantic relationship with someone OR we would be going out steadily and longingly for probably more than three months (which is my longest if we remove the guys I chatted with during lockdown).

The caveat: At the age I’m into and probably the guy I’m going to date, it wouldn’t make sense to wait unless there are some issues (such as a close kin passed away that you have to follow Chinese customs - or other important stuff like the eldest brother has to get married first). This means if I’m not careful or I choose to rush things, the guy would be freaked out and would eventually break things off with me.

Basically it’s like will the guy I’m going to meet next around that time be my most painful stopover starting from that point in time and I would find another guy that I would get married to immediately? Or would I be on a very long haul before we walk down the aisle or what I call my final destination?

Choices, choices, difficult choices to make. You don’t know your future and predicting one removes the mystery and not trusting God that everything is possible with Him. Living in the moment to whoever guy was in front of you would be a crazy idea for me as like yes I enjoy it now, but I don’t know if we would be together in the future and if the future is not meant for us, would I still enjoy the time that we spent together on that place? Or would it bring you pangs of sad memories because although you are happy that time, it would bring you a lot of loneliness making you realize it wouldn’t work out in the end eventually - why make me happy at that moment if you would crush my heart into millions pieces at the end? People say make every moment count because remember at that time you are happy. I guess there is a reason why people say whenever you travel with your then lover, always have a solo picture of yourself so that if you and your then lover didn’t pan out, you would still have pictures and memories of yourself and your family (that would never leave you - unless they die) to hold on to, rather than uncomfortably delete the pictures that you have together because you knew it was over.

All I can say now is I don’t know what will happen next and how it will unfold - heck we don’t even know if it’s true or not because as my psychiatrist said, manage expectations but still be open to the idea of dating other people. I just hope I have a heart of a stone where they try to woo you and when they give up, you don’t feel any negative emotions at all. How I wish that would be so easy but it’s not…

Spectrum Collision

*Since this month is National (or World) Autism Awareness Month, I would like to share my thought regarding Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in relation to life...

Dating leading to marrying your future spouse is already hard - let alone wonder if they would accept all of your flaws. Then you think if you are the person who has the so-called “weird genes” where the general population would have a hard time accepting your flaws based on the society standard, you thought the only way was to find that same person like you. By finding the same person as you, you would think that they would accept you for who you are and you would also accept them for who they are…

You thought so until your spectrums collided and unknowingly triggered the other…

One problem of dating in a community that has a high stigma on people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or the likes was that parents either tell their children to conceal that information or they refuse to let the experts assess their children if they had the symptoms (so they could be treated). Well, it’s like the symptoms were there (but not as bad to the point they have to go to sought professional help); however, labeling them into one would mean that you are a judger or falsely accusing someone of having that disorder - because they weren’t even diagnosed by the experts.

So the problem here was in every person you date, you think that they are neurotypical and the only person who knew about your condition in that situation was you. However, because of your parents or other people’s instruction, you cannot disclose it immediately - or hoping you don’t need to disclose it at all and that they would magically accept you for who you are. Disclosing would mean that you may have fumbled a lifetime to be with that person if that person cannot accept your genetic makeup (even if it’s not your fault - well you were born with it). As neurotypical, it’s already difficult that sometimes you have to generally conceal some parts of your identity or information - imagine how much more difficult it was for someone who has to hide their whole genetic makeup by pretending to be someone they are not all because the society you belonged to would run as fast as they could if they figured out the one they are dating has one.

It was such a cruel and pitiful world in the sense that because society - let alone the community I belonged to - have a stigma towards individuals with ASD and other disabilities (whether visible or invisible). It was so bad that you realized when two neurodivergent individuals (whether diagnosed or not) who have to pose as neurotypical individuals towards each other without revealing their cards end up having their possibly most disastrous date one ever had in their life - all because of the triggers that were inadvertently caused by your respective spectrum. Well from the definition of spectrum itself, it means a range of different things. Imagine knowing you have a different wiring of a brain compared to neurotypicals and then you have to deal with dating another individual you hoped to have the same wiring of the brain as yours - but because it’s a spectrum and who knows the severity of the other person’s spectrum (and the fact on whether they were diagnosed or not - so they could receive proper therapy if they did) that what is okay or soothing for a neurodivergent individual would trigger the other neurodivergent individual. All because both of them may be classified as wired the same compared to the neurotypical individual, but they are still extremely different towards each other.

Sometimes it was such an unfortunate incident that it boiled down to that part - a part where both of you are trying to feel each other and wanting the other to accept them - like them, because you were masking so hard that the one who has the "weaker" ability to conceal their identity would be the one causing damage and triggers the other unintentionally. The damage and triggers would then make the other neurodivergent individual react wildly wherein for a neurotypical's mind it would be like "Nah, I can handle it".

You knew deep down that maybe, just maybe if people are more understanding and less scared of revealing who they are to the other person, people could be themselves without worrying if the other individual would accept them for who they are or not. It’s like if an individual knows that person is like that because of their condition, one would be more understanding, patient towards each other which might lead to more clarity and eventually make the dating period much longer that would lead to lifetime partnership until death do they part.

If Only… Coulda, Woulda?

On the first Sunday of March, I made new friends at an event I attended that was so cool that one of our new found friends created a group chat exclusively for girls. The thing about this Chinese community was that it was so small and there would be cases wherein you have encountered guys - especially the people considered weird ones and you exchange information. As some older, more experienced ones say, once you start being exposed in the communities, you’ll realize that the circle is very small…

So small that in our group chat, I told a story of a guy that I met before the pandemic. I can say while I was the one who ended it (half-heartedly), I felt like he was the longest person I had moved on from. It was so bad that I admit it involved an innocent human being that I deeply regret and made sure if I’m hurt again by some guy, I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake - again.

Until one of the ladies in that private group chat sent me a private message saying she was introduced to the same guy and she mentioned that they only went out once while me and the guy went out thrice. In which she mentioned that the guy probably liked me because I was thin… Yes I remembered I was thin back then because I came from an illness that only one cup of that Chinese herbal medicine took away the recurring fever I had.

Which made me think… IF ONLY my body weight right now was my body weight before (probably 15-pound difference)… In short, IF ONLY I was fat back then when he saw me or my pictures…

• COULD I have spared myself from getting my heart broken by this guy and eventually not be pissed off of him being late all the time?

• WOULD I be devastated at the recurring thought that I was fat?

• COULD I have retained my passion in watching NBA and listening to music that I didn’t need a Domantas Sabonis exemplary play such as him racking up triple doubles to keep my fantasy team afloat just to serve as my spark plug to bring my passion back in the game… and eventually passionate in listening to music again?

• WOULD I lose myself along the way because you kept on trying to prove yourself and try to keep up that you indeed can converse with him in chatting using Chinese characters?

• WOULD I have wanted to initiate a conversation with a guy due to the aftermath of my heartbreak (who I sought help from one of my MBA classmates) even if he wasn’t qualified for my petty criteria such as him not being pure Chinese?

• WOULD my view about love and relationship I knew back then changed because all you thought was you weren’t good enough to attract a guy?

• WOULD I still be scared of the thought of meeting scary prospective mother-in-laws without my mother by my side?

• WOULD I be still gullible to the compliments that men kept on telling me instead of being guarded if you are being love-bombed?

• WOULD I have heard my mom’s words along the lines of “I almost lost you…” as she hugged me that almost broke me into tears because of what could have been the nightmare if I struck through with this guy?

• WOULD I have heard my mother’s lines of “I never reared you to be a princess in this house only to become a slave in another household.” Well because this guy’s family didn’t have helpers and the one that he was looking for was more of a maid and not a wife?

• WOULD I have thought that loveless marriage exists all because he asked me if I know how to cook (twice)?

In the end, all the couldas wouldas meant nothing as if these things or situations didn’t happen to you, you would not become who you are right now (in a positive way). The experiences, although painful as it seems back then now, would shape me to become a better individual - even if along the process I knew deep down in my heart that I involved an innocent person by disturbing his life.

I realized as I grow older, you gain more experience and you would know how to discern things. Like some new found friend had told us, these guys were engineers in your life that they kept on imparting you life lessons no matter how harsh it was so that once your future husband arrives, you are ready. It’s like as you gain more experience, more exposure, you keep on improving yourself until you become the best version of yourself to the one that God entrusted you into. 😊

One Line

Last week, I was scrambling to figure out what’s wrong with my programming code. I have done the same thing before, I just need to customize it to fit the current needs of my supervisors. I almost destroyed the original code I made because I cannot figure out why. Only to find out I just needed to add a single line and everything is in order. Crazy right?

So because I figured out the problem, I am thankful that I was able to return the original code back to where it was by adding that single line code to get the output that I needed to present to my supervisors. Having a copy is indeed helpful since not everybody is blessed with a memory that would allow you to remember each line properly.

Which made me realize that sometimes we destroy everything we built because we didn’t know what to do only to find out that we only need to tweak a single part of ourselves, a part of the problem that would cover a lot of issues that would keep us going. But the thing about these things was that we sometimes do not have any backup or extra copy for us to revert things back into original form and add the thing or part that would make our problem/issue work.

Similar to relationships, sometimes we make a lot of effort just to show our love to someone and we wonder why they don’t appreciate us for what we are doing, only to find out maybe sometimes we only need to say one line such as saying the words “I love you.” Those words are enough just to appease all the things that worry the other person. However, in life, time is very essential. We cannot revert time nor we cannot revert it back to the original timeline wherein everything is just starting to fall apart and then you add that one-liner that would make things get back on track.

Despite the fact that we think life is complicated, sometimes we are the ones that are making it complicated. If we look closely, we just need one line… a single thing to solve everything that we are going through right now, but instead we chose to destroy everything we built. The thing is life doesn’t have any backups. Life doesn’t have any extra copies for us to overwrite the destroyed output… and the only way is to remember the lessons and make sure we were able to apply these lessons and knowledge moving forward.

Return to Sender

This blog is inspired with one of the aftermaths of an NBA Trade deadline that happened last month that I decided to make a story in relation to this trade. This is the story of Doug McDermott being traded back to his former team Indiana Pacers (who joined the San Antonio Spurs via Sign and Trade from Indiana Pacers three years ago in exchange of pick-swaps)

Almost three years ago, I thought he didn't love me anymore so I told him I’ll be leaving and met someone who wants me. When he knew who I was with now, he asked my new lover if there was something he could offer in exchange, no matter how minute it is just to salvage out of our previous relationship. My new guy agreed with my former guy - probably their bro code.

Fast forward to the present, I admit in any relationship, there are ups and downs. Regardless, I know we are both happy with each other. However, some things needed to change and my lover realized that he cannot make me suffer in this relationship anymore despite being okay with staying by his side. When he saw that my former lover is not only becoming an even better man, but also discovered that he still loves me and wants me back in his life, he told me that he and my former lover had a talk and they decided that my lover should let go of me peacefully so that I could go back into my former lover's arms.

I know part of him hurts, but I understand he has to do what is best for him - and for me. In the end, I knew I had the best of both worlds knowing that they both love me and did what was best for me even if it meant the other person had to be hurt by letting me go.

Queen of Indy

This blog is inspired with one of the aftermaths of an NBA Trade deadline that happened years ago that I decided to make a story in relation to this trade. This is the Domantas Sabonis - Tyrese Haliburton trade from the perspective of Tyrese Haliburton.

In a world where every kingdom was given a yearly opportunity to find a concubine through an annual draft that would help aid The King in ensuring that their respective kingdom will always win enough battles or tournaments among kingdoms and become the best of the best in the world, a young lady like I would dream that one day I would be worthy enough to be selected by the council of respective kingdoms during annual draft and eventually win the heart of The King to crown me to be his queen until death do we part.

Four years ago, I was selected to become one of the concubines in the annual draft. The problem? The kingdom that chose me was said to be full of curse according to the townspeople… curse in the sense that this kingdom was the laughingstock across the world because of the antics The King was trying to experiment such as cherry-picking just to make the kingdom stay relevant and competitive. Curse in the sense that this kingdom was in drought that they never won enough minor tournaments for them to have a chance to become the best of the best in the world during major tournaments… The last time they were in major tournaments? I probably just started my formal education.

Despite the chatter that people were spewing here and there in my newfound kingdom, I learned that these townspeople in my kingdom are special. That if we all worked together, we could do something amazing to represent the kingdom positively. Former queens and concubines of this kingdom may have wanted to leave… Some even demanded to leave or be transferred to another kingdom that is deemed to be more powerful or a kingdom that they thought that could make them happy for a lifetime… but I knew deep down that I wanted to stay here because if I chose to stay and we flourish as a kingdom, it would be all worth it. Maybe I could say… I know I can fix The King’s ongoing struggles and finally remove the so-called “curse” that’s been haunting him and this kingdom and this kingdom will no longer become the laughing stock around the world.

Months after I was drafted and started competing in minor tournaments, the council and the townspeople knew that I’m special… special enough that the townspeople wanted me to stay for a lifetime. I wanted to stay in this kingdom for a lifetime too. I guess I was so special that the King decided to promote me to become one of his lead concubines despite just being selected as a new concubine by his council... So special that the messengers and observers across various kingdoms wondered if I would eventually replace the Queen of this land. Honestly, the Queen and I never have problems with each other. I respect that she is the Queen and I’m a concubine that needs to support her in times of her need during tournaments. In fact, I never even thought if the King would entertain the idea of having two, three or even multiple queens in his kingdom.

Despite our kingdom not making into the major tournaments that year, I knew that the council and townspeople like where the kingdom is heading. Then a new season arrives, a new set of concubines arrive, some left by choice or the King and the council traded some of them, but what’s more important is the Queen and her lead concubines are still here to help her serve the kingdom.

As we start another season of competing in minor tournaments, I never expected that the chatter among townspeople and messengers within and outside the kingdom would continue and at a faster and louder pace that the council would soon decide to dethrone our Queen and I would be the one replacing her. That was not only the case, I admit that our kingdom was struggling against other kingdoms because even if the Queen and I never had issues, our strengths and weaknesses are not complementary with each other which hurts the kingdom’s chances in winning tournaments. The chatter was so rampant that the King, together with his counsels had to make a very, very difficult decision.

The King chose the Queen to stay while he gave me, my other co-lead concubine and another subordinate concubine in exchange for a Lithuanian Queen that was twice recognized as one of the best queens of the world. It was heartbreaking to me because I knew I gave my best shot and it hurts so bad that I was crying about this because there are some thoughts that would enter your head if you didn’t please the King enough for him to consider you staying? Didn’t you give your best shot in every match you competed in? However you see townspeople and messengers across the world wondering why did my now former kingdom give away a soon to be queen in exchange for another queen in a kingdom that has a queen already serving the King? As they said it’s harder to please a proven queen to stay in the kingdom compared to a concubine who is still not allowed to break agreements and has to continuously serve the King as he pleases unless he wants to discard or replace you - such as in my case being replaced by a proven queen.

Then as I entered the new kingdom I was transferred to, a kingdom who was guided by one of the best advisers in the world. An adviser who was able to aid a kingdom he previously guided in becoming the best in the world a decade ago. An adviser who trained a gifted Slovenian Queen in that same previous kingdom to become one of the best queens in the world right now. The only positive here was that because this kingdom I now serve gave away their Lithuanian Queen, there should be a new queen in their kingdom - and the King wanted me to become his queen. Imagine in a span of two years of serving kingdoms, I already become a queen?

However, being a queen is not an easy feat. From helping the queen fend off opposing queens and concubines during tournaments to now having to depend on my concubines to fend off opponents in attacking me. Imagine being called a fake queen by one of the messengers from a big kingdom like York just because I wasn’t able to win our kingdom in that one matchup against their kingdom? It was a difficult transition I should say, but I take on the challenge because this is my dream - to become a queen one day.

As I navigate our kingdom into relevancy like how the previous queen did so, I started to wonder how my former kingdom looked right now, especially if there are now two queens in that kingdom. Well I don’t know what the Lithuanian Queen did to my kingdom but she sure helped to make my previous kingdom relevant. They are no longer the laughingstock that they used to be, they even broke the curse that I wish I was able to fix. That kingdom even created a cult-like chant of “Light the Beam” every time they won a minor tournament that other kingdoms took notice of. Not only that, for the first time, they were part of the major tournaments. As I heard those townspeople say, the drought is over. The curse was finally lifted.

It was sad how you wish you were the one to cure his curse because you are the only one who wanted to stay despite almost all people around you kept on saying you have to leave him. I knew deep down I could have done the same thing in making my former kingdom back to relevancy positively like what that Lithuanian Queen did. It hurts that there is nothing you could have done in the situation for him to choose you to be with him for a lifetime even if you were willing to offer all the love to the King despite his imperfections and he rewarded you with a discard by replacing you with a queen. How am I a lead concubine supposed to go against a queen who is four years older, more experienced, established and twice recognized as one of the best queens in the world? But I guess if the King does not want the curse to be cured through you, you cannot do anything about it. You cannot heal someone who doesn’t want to be cured. You cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. Heck you started to wonder if just because the King and their council heard the news that there is a queen that a King wanted to give away in exchange for a concubine, they stroke the chance and it probably still hurts that it was me that he chose to give away. Was the King impatient enough for me to blossom into a worthy queen in his eyes that he chose to go after an older, established and proven queen who blossomed and was waiting patiently to grow into one by her previous King?

Despite these things the former King did against me, what I would be thankful for was that he gave me away to a kingdom who would be willing to make me a queen. A King who saw that a concubine like me would be worthy to become his Queen. I repaid his kindness and for seeing my true worth in ensuring that I would eventually be recognized by the world as one of the best queens the previous year. This year I was chosen by the townspeople, fellow queens and concubines and recognized messengers across the world as one of the top 10 queens of the world to participate in the annual friendly matchup of the queens. Not only did I become an efficient and effective queen, I also had my concubines that would complement my strengths and weaknesses to make the kingdom stronger. Now, we are destroying kingdoms that are known to weather any kind of storm, we are also destroying weaker, but famous kingdoms. Oh, I finally even got my sweet revenge against the kingdom that discarded me by beating them. In addition, I destroyed the kingdom, where the messenger lives that said I wasn’t a real queen, into pieces. I always thought that a queen should always serve the king no matter what, but I didn’t expect that my King and his council would do everything to make me stay - to make me happy. In fact they are doing everything to make my life easier during the tournament by bringing in a Cameroonian Queen who previously served from the kingdom of North and was also previously recognized as one of the best queens (top 10 queens too) in the world. I don’t mind having a co-queen to serve the king, because this Cameroonian Queen and I knew that we need each other to serve the kingdom better and she also knew that I am the King’s priority and she is only secondary.

I don’t know where my life is headed. All I knew was that I am still young, young enough that there is so much to prove, so much to explore and we have time to ensure that our kingdom will become relevant and eventually compete in major tournaments. As long as I knew that the townspeople, the council, the concubines and most especially the King still wanted me in their life and would do everything to make me stay, I wouldn’t mind staying with them for a lifetime too.