Ghoster Part 3: Honesty Letter

Our company trip to Japan is fast approaching - in fact the flight is already tomorrow. The last thing I wanted to do was still have these sort of confusion or feelings in relation to him that my mind knows it doesn't matter at this point. These past few weeks I realized that I was lying to someone - MYSELF.

They say honesty is the best policy, you can lie to other people about how you feel about a certain person, but at the end of the day, if you cannot be honest with how you feel, you would feel more pain, more loneliness and unwanted emotion. Suppressed emotions and denying your feelings to a person you chose to care would make me have a hard time moving forward from you.

So here is me saying that yes, I think I may not 100% admit that I have feelings for you, because I knew deep in my heart I treated you differently compared to the guys I dated. It is only you I decided to be prepared to get hurt as long as I make sure I wouldn't be the one hurting you. It was just that I didn't expect to be this painful especially when I prepared myself cleaning all the possible emotional baggage from the past just to make sure I prepare myself for the next one - which happened to be you. You that I never thought in my wildest imagination that I would date - someone who is younger than me. You when I felt that you might be so inexperienced, made sure that you wouldn't be traumatized with whatever would happen between us. At least when the ending occurred that we didn't work out, deep inside my heart it was a personal mission that was accomplished that I didn't hurt you - you left on your own terms with multiple possible reasons that I may never get an answer from.

I guess I want to say if there is something I learned, something you taught me or the reason why you came was probably because it allowed me to know myself more and what I am capable to do that I never imagined. Foolish as some people would eventually say, but perhaps this is what I probably needed to prepare myself for the next one. Who knew that I chose to care, love or consider your feelings? Who knew that by revealing my condition, I bared my whole genetic makeup to you - which I would never know if you're okay with that or not. At the end of the day, losing you showed how courageous and brave I could be to be honest to you even if it meant goodbye. That I chose to hold on even if the supposed red flags are there. I believed it was more of an orange flag because orange flags are flags that you wish they would do or had but it was not bad enough that it would compromise your core values. Yesterday when my dad told me that I did my part, I realized that maybe our goals aren't aligned in the first place. I meet you hoping you would be my first while you probably did this for your mother's sake.

And that is where the issue arises, because you do it to please your mother, you have a different tolerance level, you would have a little to no commitment in getting to know more about me. Because of that, every small pet peeve or info I give to you that contradicts you and your preference would automatically make you uneasy. Aside from this, if you felt that I was about to penetrate your feelings, the easiest way was to escape. Meanwhile I on the other hand saw that you are almost a carbon copy of my youngest brother. Then I felt you didn't care for your mom enough - or perhaps help her with household chores. So the orange flags, I was trying to see if I can survive to be with you after all love is not purely passion, it takes commitment too - commitment in trying to get to know the person and trying to make it work.

I am writing this so I can move forward and be fair to the next person and to myself. maybe I did love  you because I felt the effort and care I gave is so crazy for my standards. I will admit that I am not closing the door but I know that there is a world in front of me to discover and explore. If fate allowed us to be together, so be it. For the time being, I'm sure one day you will just be a passing story. One day I will understand that I deserve to be loved and accepted the way I am. One day I will understand that perhaps being with you for eternity is a bad idea and one day when the right man comes for me, I will then understand that everything makes sense now.

I hope and pray that you will find someone you will love and also for that person who is willing to love and care for your mother because dear Lord, I pity your mother. The sad part is, I wouldn't be the one to do that part of loving and taking care of her so I hope one day it will dawn on you that you need to find someone who will love and will love you back and your mother too.

(To be continued) …

Ghoster Part 2: Root Cause

I don't know how come for some reason I decided to read Ronald Molmisa's Lovestruck Series "Shanaba" edition a month ago. I read all of his Lovestruck Series because it is really, really valuable. I think if I'm not mistaken I started reading the Lovestruck Series ever since I bought the "Singles Edition" around 8 years ago. I read it wondering if it was really him, like "Sha na nga ba?".

If I learned something it's like sometimes when we read something, our emotions are on different state at that point in time. So if we read the same book again, we would understand it in a different way because of time, experience and our state of emotions that time. Rereading the book allowed me to learn about attachment style. I realized the terms has been used for a long time, it's just that it was only prevalent now. Looking back now, I also realized he really wasn't my "Sha na nga" based on the book.

Enter attachment theory. So I took an exam to see and wonder if I am having an insecure attachment style, what was it? I realized that the results although it may seem I have a secure one in general, if I break down in terms of my relationship with my parents, people in general and relationships/dating, I had the same results except my relationship/dating aspect showed that I had an disorganized attachment.

Because of the disorganized attachment style I learned that I thought I have, I started watching YouTube videos of Heidi Priebe and read articles in relation to those. I realized that I have bigger issues to solve because I realized with the dating history I had that I wouldn't be able to solve the problem quickly. Not only did I have one insecure attachment that would allow you to practice doing the opposite way, but I had two insecure attachment style merged into one body. So when I kept on asking myself what am I doing wrong in every date I had? It's like you kept on studying, taking test and you still failed. Which made me realize that whenever I do the opposite, the other insecure attachment style will show up. So if I backtracked on what happened with each of my dating history that lasted more than a month, I learned that I've been dealing with the same issues it was just that I try to approach things differently hoping for a different result, but the end was still the same - I failed or it didn't work out.

Knowing what I needed to do, just hope and pray that I would be able to address the root cause of the problem so that I would know what to do whenever the next one comes.

Still, I can't figure out why my feelings are still not at ease and there were times I still wanted to cry...

(To be continued)…

Ghoster Part 1: Aftershock

Ghoster is a spin-off story of Looks and Brains. The ending of Looks and Brains had a hashtag of "Chapter Closed", but because of some unexpected encounter in my life, I have to write a spin off of this book entitled Ghoster.

After the matchmaker officially said it's over that you were no longer interested, I wasn't like really surprised about it. I also knew that the after effects of coping with it is no easy feat. It's like relearning your routine prior to your inexistence. Not only that, being a first time ghostee, you don't know how it really feels until you experience it to yourself firsthand. If there is a positive thing about this instance was that the matchmaker is your like safety net of making sure that you are not totally ghosted because the person can ghost you, but you can never ghost a matchmaker, because if you do that, you are doing disservice to their business and they can immediately cut losses with you as you are not cooperating with them as their client.

I thought I was ready to brace the storm whoever the next one would be, but I was absolutely dead wrong about this matter. I thought that I had the ability to suddenly shut off my feelings towards a person without crying or feeling bad about it. I said this because I knew I did it before, I was so proud of what I did except what I failed to take account was the difference of the circumstance and the person itself. After all, you can't use the same strategy to a different person. What works in one person, doesn't work in another. I kept on telling people how I was able to shut off my feelings and survive almost two years of being in a situationship without falling for them and when I was done and leave, they asked me to give it a chance and I refused.

However this one, it's like I was prepared for the departmental exams only to realize when you saw the questionnaire that the professor never taught you the topics you need to know while professors from other classes were able to teach their students that same topic. Or it's like you prepared yourself months ahead for an performance exam where all the practices and minor performances that you did in each and every aspect of your dating life was put all in one major performance exam - unfortunately you flunked big time. Flunked in the sense you got the same results as your previous minor exams but even a bigger blow.

I could be able to reason out each and every dating failures I had that end up me crying. However with this one, I cannot comprehend the reason why no matter how much logic you would like to put into it, I just cannot understand why I cannot make the feelings go away. I try my best knowing that these are similar failures that I had in the past, except it wasn't because the situation is different, the manner on how it ended is different. You were ghosted...

(To be Continued)…

Looks and Brains Part 4: I Tried My Best, but My Best Wasn't Good Enough - and It's Alright

 I tried my best, I took the biggest risk I have ever imagined I'm doing, but it wasn't good enough.

Matchmaker confirmed that you are no longer interested in communicating with me. I cannot blame you since you only did what is best for you. I would never know if the crucial information I disclosed to you was the main reason or if it was the one that cement your decision that you were no longer interested in seeing me.

It was unfortunate that despite thinking that the last time we met was a happy one without any form of being pissed with one another - or I might be wrong about this.

Looking back on the notes I created about you, I can say that I did my part not making you hurt even if it meant that I was going to be the one ending up being hurt. I didn't expect to be hurt this bad though. Meeting you was indeed a refreshing experience. It was fun while it lasted that's for sure. At least I was finally able to go to some place that I wanted to go to for a long time.

I know personally sending you a last goodbye message would not be advisable - nor you would even dare to read it. I might even be muted or blocked from your contacts. What is important was that the matchmaker gave me the closure I needed even if you ghosted me. So here I am posting it here - for my sake. So that I could move on faster - because who knows if the one for me is right in the corner.

So here the what would be letter goes:

I don't know if the crucial info I disclosed to you was the deal breaker or it was the one that cements your decision to be no longer interested in me. I cannot blame you with your decision nor I am aware that this is the harsh reality that I need to face from hereon out. That not everyone is going to be open and aware in the situation that I am in to. I know that I didn't want it to happen to myself either, but it is what it is. I am not saying you are closed-minded because to each of his own and with how your life has gone through - this is a difficult thing for you to face with me. Why? Because you have always got things the easy way - while I have to struggle in each and every milestone I had in my life. Heck, I even have to swore to the NBI personnel that I didn't commit a slight physical injury onto someone just to get my NBI clearance - meanwhile you got your clearance smoothly.

Even if we didn't end up together, I would still like to say thank you for everything and wishing you the best!

I am positive that you would eventually meet someone you like or someone you are well-matched with. Perhaps the doctor that the matchmaker was informing my mom who is probably way more successful and younger than me and you might be someone they need to help take over their family business.

I am not sour-grapping, but I wondered if I don't end up with you, why does it have to take for almost three months instead of a quick one month or less? I realized that time allows you to see the preview of what you could have been if we would end up together. If time was quick, I would have created more what ifs. If I am wondering now, I might be wondering more back then. But I think almost three months of communicating with you already gave me enough insight that it's going to be a messy one in the long run. Messy in the sense that even if I wasn't pissed off every time we go out together, more time spent together and the answers to my questions would make me realized that we are not going to be a good match.

I kept on telling people that you might be the biggest what if of my life if I don't take a huge risk in getting to know you. Now the chapter has ended, at least I am at peace knowing that I held on until the end, knowing that I took risks that I have never imagined like telling the matchmaker that I am starting to have interest in you. Lastly, to explore the option of dating someone younger than me for the first time in my entire existence.

I don't know if I would be open on dating someone younger again - but of course given a choice, I would revert to sticking to my criteria. After all, I can tell to people, I tried, it just didn't work out.

Again, I hope the best for you and also for me.

Thank you and goodbye.

#ChapterClosed

Looks and Brains Part 3: I Think I Now Know Why You Came

I have been wondering why did you come into my life at such a weird time. If you're going to be just another stopover in my series of stopovers until I reach my final destination, what are you going to teach me? It's going to be three months soon that I get to know you. Mind you this is not during the actual pandemic lockdown wherein you couldn't see each other so you gotta invest in written communication. So seeing you in person would be possible. If I use this as a barometer of the guys I went out with pre-COVID, you would probably be the longest guy I communicated and met.

And last night or at dawn, I just realized what my dream meant two nights ago. I realized that this is not directly something to do with you literally teaching me something that would again lead me to get hurt in order for me to learn the harsh reality. I realized that because you present a different angle compared the guys I met before, you are making me feel or realize things that I have or couldn't imagined that would happen to me.

I have always thought that I was the better one between me and the guy I was then seeing. Then you came and I realized that every advantage I thought I had was now gone. But the funny thing was despite losing the advantage and with me dropping the crucial bomb that would make anybody ran away in my opinion, you chose to choose to still see me (thought I'm not sure if dropping the deal-breaker bomb would make you ran away and never see me though - to be determined). You indirectly taking away the advantages I get used to, which made me vulnerable. It's like I experienced unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I never had before. It's like you've unlock an aspect of myself that I didn't know that I had problem to deal with.

So right now, this is not a matter how would you treat me because I realize whatever you were thinking or planning would not solve my insecurities or the thoughts that were troubling me. Only I can figure this out, I have to find ways how to improve upon this because whether I end up with you or not, if I don't give myself enough assurance, confidence and love to myself, whatever you or somebody else would offer me would be worthless.

This is now a battle of my negative thoughts and feelings and how to make me see that despite my perceived advantages being taken away by you, there must be something you saw in me that I might never understood until I get enough courage to ask - and also if we reached a point in time wherein things go well.

(To be Continued)...

Looks and Brains Part 2: Universe Taking Over

They always say each person you meet whether it is a happy or sad ending will teach you something so you would grow stronger as a person.

Of all the guys I went out with, you are the only one I never immediately imagined of what life would be with you. I admit that you presented a different angle compared to the guys I met. I also kept on wondering why do I need to meet you in my lifetime? As we get to know each other, I kept on having different reasons in my head. Like did I meet you because at some point in your life, you and my late sister were once sitted inside the math training that you both did?

I may now know why you come into my lifetime. You might be indirectly teaching me a lesson, but I think I would be the one teaching you a lesson instead.

For someone like you who has looks and brains, you should be off the market by then, but you landed in front of me. You were handed over to me that I reluctantly refused to accept. Truth to be told, I wasn't even that attracted physically - perhaps the disdain of knowing I'm older than you preceded to whatever they are marketing you to me. I was making a mission if you are indeed attractive enough, I have a plethora of options for you to choose from among my friends and acquaintances so I knew I got to ask the question every friend of mine hold dear to them. Fortunately or unfortunately, the result was what I didn't expect. Every possible move I make to make you not want me enough, you unconsciously countering or destroying it.

Knowing that you, the time and situation are playing right in my hands, I knew I can manage you and waiting for you to leave, ghost (well almost until some Divine Intervention intercepted my impulsive plans when you didn't respond for 5 days) or rejected. But as time goes by, conversation still going on, things are changing - suddenly time is starting to become my enemy.

I never felt belittling myself in my whole dating life until I met you. Because of your dating drought, I guess I'm probably the best person you end up meeting post drought. Someone who was in that situation before; someone who knew that if you think the same way I did 8 years ago, you're going to be screwed if not careful; someone who will choose to be called stupid for letting go of someone like you instead of being selfish because I knew that you deserve to explore to find the one that is best for you; someone who will choose to protect you and thinking what might be the best option for you while not take advantage of you as an unsuspecting prey.

I think I might be willing to choose this path - even if it meant I might not end up with you. If it means that I'm going to need you to teach something to prepare you for your next stop or final destination - I just think, I'm going to be ready for whatever.

Right now, I just know I have a hidden diamond in my hands, as long as I did my part on not prematurely giving it up, giving my best shot, and understanding that it may not be something my system would understand - but as long as it's right, I think we should be fine by then.

(To be Continued)...

Looks and Brains Part 1: Unexpected Connections and Coincidences

Looks and Brains is a 4-part story on how I met this guy until how things ended.

My mother knew that I am going to fight through hell just to not meet someone younger than me, even if we are talking about days. Heck, I even quote-tweeted or quote-posted that I could not phantom the idea of dating somebody even a day younger than me. Then for some reason, fate seems to be fooling me around on the last week of June. With my boss suggesting me a Chinese series entitled Forever and Ever (一生一世) wondering why would he make me want to watch it to learning one of the NBA Players I looked forward to playing in Domantas Sabonis cannot play in FIBA World Cup to learning that the matchmaker was attempting me to match with a guy a year younger than me over the phone - until my mom informed me in our family group chat that they already finalized to set a meeting with you on the day I was supposed to get my Confirmation photos (that made me a hard time picking it up) without my consent.

I would be lying if I said I want to meet you - I don't because my mom knew how much I hated meeting a guy younger than me, but she still pushed through the meeting arrangement. I was pissed off, they kept on saying that you are good-looking. I didn't care if a guy I met was good-looking who am I to judge? So pissed off that I wore clothes that would not fully impressed someone, but also made sure that you are decent-looking enough coupled with bringing a backpack - which my friends would like to destroy.

On the first day of July, I met you with your mom (as per matchmaker rules that both parents meet with their respective children to get to know each other). I knew I needed to ask questions - questions that would probably be my reasonable escape of why I am not interested which is religion. The problem, we may not have the same level of fate in God, but we belonged to one religion - which means my initial plan to escape was destroyed. Next, the usual trend was exchanging numbers for formality sake but you aren't sure if one of you would keep the conversation going. I would admit the conversation between the two of us went well the first time I met you. But then, because you are just a new client of the matchmaker, you needed to create a WeChat account which I don't know for some reason your app wasn't working until we went on our separate ways that day since you guys know I still need an errand to do that you kept on wondering what am I going to do there. Thinking I won't be communicating with you again, matchmaker called not asking if I'm okay with seeing you, but to ask if your WeChat account was working properly. Because I was in a "big sister" mentality, I was like sure I'll message him because the matchmaker said so, so I texted you first with the objective of doing what the matchmaker wants. Then the next day, you suddenly messaged me on my Viber informing that your WeChat is now okay then your conversation starter was what I was doing after we parted ways. My oh my, I sometimes wondered that I received the Sacrament of Confirmation on 3rd week of May with the photographer's promise of being able to pick it up by the following week until it dragged on the day I met you. Funny isn't it?

I would admit that I enjoyed chatting with you, there were also times wherein there was a possible miscommunication between me and the matchmaker due to language barrier since I was thinking you should be given options to choose from and matchmaker then said if one of you said no, that's the time she will find another one. With that rule in mind, I was initially planned of just plain chatting with you, after all I then felt that I didn't want to keep on chatting with other people and I don't know if our conversations will go deeper.

However, fate was forcing my hand to do things that I never imagined. Because matchmaker kept on thinking that I'm not interested in communicating with you, I was forced to answer a yes or no question - with no in between. I cannot believe that I said to the matchmaker that I was starting to get interested in chatting with you with the risk wondering if you felt the same way - which at that time you were still interested.

Days passed, I am warming up with the idea that maybe it was not a bad idea to be with someone who is younger than me. As I got to know you, I was starting to feel like I might have caught a big fish...

(To be Continued)...