Ghoster Part 1: Aftershock

Ghoster is a spin-off story of Looks and Brains. The ending of Looks and Brains had a hashtag of "Chapter Closed", but because of some unexpected encounter in my life, I have to write a spin off of this book entitled Ghoster.

After the matchmaker officially said it's over that you were no longer interested, I wasn't like really surprised about it. I also knew that the after effects of coping with it is no easy feat. It's like relearning your routine prior to your inexistence. Not only that, being a first time ghostee, you don't know how it really feels until you experience it to yourself firsthand. If there is a positive thing about this instance was that the matchmaker is your like safety net of making sure that you are not totally ghosted because the person can ghost you, but you can never ghost a matchmaker, because if you do that, you are doing disservice to their business and they can immediately cut losses with you as you are not cooperating with them as their client.

I thought I was ready to brace the storm whoever the next one would be, but I was absolutely dead wrong about this matter. I thought that I had the ability to suddenly shut off my feelings towards a person without crying or feeling bad about it. I said this because I knew I did it before, I was so proud of what I did except what I failed to take account was the difference of the circumstance and the person itself. After all, you can't use the same strategy to a different person. What works in one person, doesn't work in another. I kept on telling people how I was able to shut off my feelings and survive almost two years of being in a situationship without falling for them and when I was done and leave, they asked me to give it a chance and I refused.

However this one, it's like I was prepared for the departmental exams only to realize when you saw the questionnaire that the professor never taught you the topics you need to know while professors from other classes were able to teach their students that same topic. Or it's like you prepared yourself months ahead for an performance exam where all the practices and minor performances that you did in each and every aspect of your dating life was put all in one major performance exam - unfortunately you flunked big time. Flunked in the sense you got the same results as your previous minor exams but even a bigger blow.

I could be able to reason out each and every dating failures I had that end up me crying. However with this one, I cannot comprehend the reason why no matter how much logic you would like to put into it, I just cannot understand why I cannot make the feelings go away. I try my best knowing that these are similar failures that I had in the past, except it wasn't because the situation is different, the manner on how it ended is different. You were ghosted...

(To be Continued)…

Looks and Brains Part 4: I Tried My Best, but My Best Wasn't Good Enough - and It's Alright

 I tried my best, I took the biggest risk I have ever imagined I'm doing, but it wasn't good enough.

Matchmaker confirmed that you are no longer interested in communicating with me. I cannot blame you since you only did what is best for you. I would never know if the crucial information I disclosed to you was the main reason or if it was the one that cement your decision that you were no longer interested in seeing me.

It was unfortunate that despite thinking that the last time we met was a happy one without any form of being pissed with one another - or I might be wrong about this.

Looking back on the notes I created about you, I can say that I did my part not making you hurt even if it meant that I was going to be the one ending up being hurt. I didn't expect to be hurt this bad though. Meeting you was indeed a refreshing experience. It was fun while it lasted that's for sure. At least I was finally able to go to some place that I wanted to go to for a long time.

I know personally sending you a last goodbye message would not be advisable - nor you would even dare to read it. I might even be muted or blocked from your contacts. What is important was that the matchmaker gave me the closure I needed even if you ghosted me. So here I am posting it here - for my sake. So that I could move on faster - because who knows if the one for me is right in the corner.

So here the what would be letter goes:

I don't know if the crucial info I disclosed to you was the deal breaker or it was the one that cements your decision to be no longer interested in me. I cannot blame you with your decision nor I am aware that this is the harsh reality that I need to face from hereon out. That not everyone is going to be open and aware in the situation that I am in to. I know that I didn't want it to happen to myself either, but it is what it is. I am not saying you are closed-minded because to each of his own and with how your life has gone through - this is a difficult thing for you to face with me. Why? Because you have always got things the easy way - while I have to struggle in each and every milestone I had in my life. Heck, I even have to swore to the NBI personnel that I didn't commit a slight physical injury onto someone just to get my NBI clearance - meanwhile you got your clearance smoothly.

Even if we didn't end up together, I would still like to say thank you for everything and wishing you the best!

I am positive that you would eventually meet someone you like or someone you are well-matched with. Perhaps the doctor that the matchmaker was informing my mom who is probably way more successful and younger than me and you might be someone they need to help take over their family business.

I am not sour-grapping, but I wondered if I don't end up with you, why does it have to take for almost three months instead of a quick one month or less? I realized that time allows you to see the preview of what you could have been if we would end up together. If time was quick, I would have created more what ifs. If I am wondering now, I might be wondering more back then. But I think almost three months of communicating with you already gave me enough insight that it's going to be a messy one in the long run. Messy in the sense that even if I wasn't pissed off every time we go out together, more time spent together and the answers to my questions would make me realized that we are not going to be a good match.

I kept on telling people that you might be the biggest what if of my life if I don't take a huge risk in getting to know you. Now the chapter has ended, at least I am at peace knowing that I held on until the end, knowing that I took risks that I have never imagined like telling the matchmaker that I am starting to have interest in you. Lastly, to explore the option of dating someone younger than me for the first time in my entire existence.

I don't know if I would be open on dating someone younger again - but of course given a choice, I would revert to sticking to my criteria. After all, I can tell to people, I tried, it just didn't work out.

Again, I hope the best for you and also for me.

Thank you and goodbye.

#ChapterClosed

Looks and Brains Part 3: I Think I Now Know Why You Came

I have been wondering why did you come into my life at such a weird time. If you're going to be just another stopover in my series of stopovers until I reach my final destination, what are you going to teach me? It's going to be three months soon that I get to know you. Mind you this is not during the actual pandemic lockdown wherein you couldn't see each other so you gotta invest in written communication. So seeing you in person would be possible. If I use this as a barometer of the guys I went out with pre-COVID, you would probably be the longest guy I communicated and met.

And last night or at dawn, I just realized what my dream meant two nights ago. I realized that this is not directly something to do with you literally teaching me something that would again lead me to get hurt in order for me to learn the harsh reality. I realized that because you present a different angle compared the guys I met before, you are making me feel or realize things that I have or couldn't imagined that would happen to me.

I have always thought that I was the better one between me and the guy I was then seeing. Then you came and I realized that every advantage I thought I had was now gone. But the funny thing was despite losing the advantage and with me dropping the crucial bomb that would make anybody ran away in my opinion, you chose to choose to still see me (thought I'm not sure if dropping the deal-breaker bomb would make you ran away and never see me though - to be determined). You indirectly taking away the advantages I get used to, which made me vulnerable. It's like I experienced unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I never had before. It's like you've unlock an aspect of myself that I didn't know that I had problem to deal with.

So right now, this is not a matter how would you treat me because I realize whatever you were thinking or planning would not solve my insecurities or the thoughts that were troubling me. Only I can figure this out, I have to find ways how to improve upon this because whether I end up with you or not, if I don't give myself enough assurance, confidence and love to myself, whatever you or somebody else would offer me would be worthless.

This is now a battle of my negative thoughts and feelings and how to make me see that despite my perceived advantages being taken away by you, there must be something you saw in me that I might never understood until I get enough courage to ask - and also if we reached a point in time wherein things go well.

(To be Continued)...

Looks and Brains Part 2: Universe Taking Over

They always say each person you meet whether it is a happy or sad ending will teach you something so you would grow stronger as a person.

Of all the guys I went out with, you are the only one I never immediately imagined of what life would be with you. I admit that you presented a different angle compared to the guys I met. I also kept on wondering why do I need to meet you in my lifetime? As we get to know each other, I kept on having different reasons in my head. Like did I meet you because at some point in your life, you and my late sister were once sitted inside the math training that you both did?

I may now know why you come into my lifetime. You might be indirectly teaching me a lesson, but I think I would be the one teaching you a lesson instead.

For someone like you who has looks and brains, you should be off the market by then, but you landed in front of me. You were handed over to me that I reluctantly refused to accept. Truth to be told, I wasn't even that attracted physically - perhaps the disdain of knowing I'm older than you preceded to whatever they are marketing you to me. I was making a mission if you are indeed attractive enough, I have a plethora of options for you to choose from among my friends and acquaintances so I knew I got to ask the question every friend of mine hold dear to them. Fortunately or unfortunately, the result was what I didn't expect. Every possible move I make to make you not want me enough, you unconsciously countering or destroying it.

Knowing that you, the time and situation are playing right in my hands, I knew I can manage you and waiting for you to leave, ghost (well almost until some Divine Intervention intercepted my impulsive plans when you didn't respond for 5 days) or rejected. But as time goes by, conversation still going on, things are changing - suddenly time is starting to become my enemy.

I never felt belittling myself in my whole dating life until I met you. Because of your dating drought, I guess I'm probably the best person you end up meeting post drought. Someone who was in that situation before; someone who knew that if you think the same way I did 8 years ago, you're going to be screwed if not careful; someone who will choose to be called stupid for letting go of someone like you instead of being selfish because I knew that you deserve to explore to find the one that is best for you; someone who will choose to protect you and thinking what might be the best option for you while not take advantage of you as an unsuspecting prey.

I think I might be willing to choose this path - even if it meant I might not end up with you. If it means that I'm going to need you to teach something to prepare you for your next stop or final destination - I just think, I'm going to be ready for whatever.

Right now, I just know I have a hidden diamond in my hands, as long as I did my part on not prematurely giving it up, giving my best shot, and understanding that it may not be something my system would understand - but as long as it's right, I think we should be fine by then.

(To be Continued)...

Looks and Brains Part 1: Unexpected Connections and Coincidences

Looks and Brains is a 4-part story on how I met this guy until how things ended.

My mother knew that I am going to fight through hell just to not meet someone younger than me, even if we are talking about days. Heck, I even quote-tweeted or quote-posted that I could not phantom the idea of dating somebody even a day younger than me. Then for some reason, fate seems to be fooling me around on the last week of June. With my boss suggesting me a Chinese series entitled Forever and Ever (一生一世) wondering why would he make me want to watch it to learning one of the NBA Players I looked forward to playing in Domantas Sabonis cannot play in FIBA World Cup to learning that the matchmaker was attempting me to match with a guy a year younger than me over the phone - until my mom informed me in our family group chat that they already finalized to set a meeting with you on the day I was supposed to get my Confirmation photos (that made me a hard time picking it up) without my consent.

I would be lying if I said I want to meet you - I don't because my mom knew how much I hated meeting a guy younger than me, but she still pushed through the meeting arrangement. I was pissed off, they kept on saying that you are good-looking. I didn't care if a guy I met was good-looking who am I to judge? So pissed off that I wore clothes that would not fully impressed someone, but also made sure that you are decent-looking enough coupled with bringing a backpack - which my friends would like to destroy.

On the first day of July, I met you with your mom (as per matchmaker rules that both parents meet with their respective children to get to know each other). I knew I needed to ask questions - questions that would probably be my reasonable escape of why I am not interested which is religion. The problem, we may not have the same level of fate in God, but we belonged to one religion - which means my initial plan to escape was destroyed. Next, the usual trend was exchanging numbers for formality sake but you aren't sure if one of you would keep the conversation going. I would admit the conversation between the two of us went well the first time I met you. But then, because you are just a new client of the matchmaker, you needed to create a WeChat account which I don't know for some reason your app wasn't working until we went on our separate ways that day since you guys know I still need an errand to do that you kept on wondering what am I going to do there. Thinking I won't be communicating with you again, matchmaker called not asking if I'm okay with seeing you, but to ask if your WeChat account was working properly. Because I was in a "big sister" mentality, I was like sure I'll message him because the matchmaker said so, so I texted you first with the objective of doing what the matchmaker wants. Then the next day, you suddenly messaged me on my Viber informing that your WeChat is now okay then your conversation starter was what I was doing after we parted ways. My oh my, I sometimes wondered that I received the Sacrament of Confirmation on 3rd week of May with the photographer's promise of being able to pick it up by the following week until it dragged on the day I met you. Funny isn't it?

I would admit that I enjoyed chatting with you, there were also times wherein there was a possible miscommunication between me and the matchmaker due to language barrier since I was thinking you should be given options to choose from and matchmaker then said if one of you said no, that's the time she will find another one. With that rule in mind, I was initially planned of just plain chatting with you, after all I then felt that I didn't want to keep on chatting with other people and I don't know if our conversations will go deeper.

However, fate was forcing my hand to do things that I never imagined. Because matchmaker kept on thinking that I'm not interested in communicating with you, I was forced to answer a yes or no question - with no in between. I cannot believe that I said to the matchmaker that I was starting to get interested in chatting with you with the risk wondering if you felt the same way - which at that time you were still interested.

Days passed, I am warming up with the idea that maybe it was not a bad idea to be with someone who is younger than me. As I got to know you, I was starting to feel like I might have caught a big fish...

(To be Continued)...

Bigger Risk = Bigger Reward?

My personal reflection during the times I played for Yahoo! Fantasy last season.

As the season starts, I start to reflect back on the time I got my first ever virtual gold trophy at Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball last season.

 

Last season, I was assigned to draft 10th among the 18 managers. With the increased positioning compared to the previous seasons I had played in this league, it was my first time to get the best player I could never imagine.

We all know whoever you choose as your first pick for the team would dictate how you would shape your roster. After all, you wouldn't drop your first pick right?

So time is ticking... and it was my turn to choose my first player for team Coffee Gang... and with the 10th pick (1st round on a 18-team league) for the PTR Fantasy League (Fantasy League that I'm playing for), Coffee Gang (my fantasy team name) selects Paul George from the Los Angeles Clippers!

Paul George aka PG13... my first pick. Based on my observation in our league, those who have Paul George on their team has a high chance of winning the championship for that season. So here I am was given a chance to make wonders... however with a risk. Paul George can be the best player he could be if given a chance and if injuries would not get the better of him. I remember when I drafted him, I was actually nervous thinking if I made the right choice because Paul George as much as can explode especially with Kawhi Leonard having random rest nights, brings also a lot of uncertainty. With his history of injury, you never knew which PG will show up for your fantasy team.

During the first 10 weeks of the fantasy season, Paul George was playing exceptionally well for my team. He was either my best performing player on my team or doing well enough it was just that some random player/s exploded on that week. Not only that, I consistently get one of the top spots of the league especially when the ones I'm facing was either not that active, didn't choose their players well or I caught them when one of their best players is either injured or have fewer games to play. It was so fun as you are actually breezing through the first few weeks...

Then enter Week 11, Paul George was out indefinitely. Indefinitely! The risk! The risk of having him is now on display. How would a team navigate without their best player? Fret not! Because Paul George may be your team's best player, you should take note who you drafted 2nd onwards...

Enter Christian Wood, Anthony Edwards and Anfernee Simons...

Christian Wood, your 2nd pick for your team, technically got to step up because if your best player is out, he is technically the next in line to make sure he give you the points you needed. He may not be consistently the best player for your team, at least he made sure that he wasn't injured.

Next, Anthony Edwards. A promising rising star player who would one day dominate the league was also doing well as your team's third pick. Then you have...

Anfernee Simons. A guy I picked up from the waivers on Week 2. The guy who I didn't expect to be one of the constants especially with CJ McCollum having a lengthy absence at that time due to injury. Not only that, during that stretch, Portland perhaps realized that they can trade CJ McCollum knowing that they already have cheaper option in Anfernee Simons who can also produce exceptionally well playing alongside Damian Lillard.

Then came the last week of the fantasy season wherein you need to shape your roster in preparation for the playoffs. With Paul George still sidelined and Jerami Grant back playing albeit a diminished performance, then you now have Portland key players suddenly being shut down like Damian Lillard's abdominal injury, Jusuf Nurkic being injured and also Anfernee Simons who you relied on for so long was also sidelined. With these factors at play, you have to go into the battle with the players that would not only give you excellent performances, but also consistent one.

Enter Jordan Poole, the seventh player for my team. The first player that played for my team at the start of the season. The first player that set the tone for the team was the one helping my fantasy to enter the playoffs into a good footing. With Klay Thompson and Stephen Curry both sidelined, he got all the playing time and touches he could handle. And what happens when you have a player who is hot from the three-point line? High fantasy points that helped my team survive the opponents that I would be facing in the fantasy playoffs.

Now into the fantasy playoff-season where key players are starting to rest in preparation for playoffs, tanking teams starting to shut down their best players, you got to play the cards that you were dealt with. My team was able to manage to reach the finals led by Wendell Carter, Jr. and Jordan Poole.

On to the finals where I know I was sure to get silver place, I am going against one of the toughest managers in the league. Both of our best players cannot play at that point in time so it was really a matter of battling of reserves and how well do you draft your players and find gems from the waiver wire. It was a nerve wrecking match as you know you got to use your advantages right which is to add and drop the right players to help your team. This is the time wherein you would rely on bench scrubs that are taking over due to key players resting. At the same time hoping that your best players can still play despite the season nearing to its end until...

PAUL GEORGE IS BACK!!! PAUL GEORGE IS BACK!!! PAUL GEORGE IS BACK!!!

PG-13 is back right in time for the playoffs to save my team against a tough opponent that eventually led to my first ever fantasy trophy!!!

So the question now is, is bigger risk tantamount to better reward? I guess it's yes and no.

Yes, because you weight a lot of pros and cons before making a decision, but in a league wherein you only have like a minute to decide on which one to choose among a plethora of choices, you have to make sure you pick the right one and hope for the best.

No, because if I laid all of my eggs in one basket, I wouldn't even won the finals. However, it should be noted that fantasy basketball consist of drafting and adding/dropping the right players. So even if your best player was sidelined, if you drafted the right players who outperformed based on their draft round, they can cover up the huge void your best player left.

So here is hoping that I would defend my title to the upcoming season!

There is Only One Spotlight

Years ago, my dad told me a story about Maggie Wilson and her husband Victor Consunji's seemingly 'competitive' approach when it comes to posting their pictures on social media. He deemed their approach unconventional in the sense that they seemed to be competing on who is the more attractive one whenever they post their pictures. I think if I'm not mistaken he may have commented that the marriage might be unsustainable if they keep on going at that pace.

First of all, I will be honest when I tell you I do not know both of them. Maybe I heard or I did, but not enough to care about what was going on in their life. Next, for some reason I really do not know why my dad would say that especially he does not have any social media account for him to observe such things - while me on the other hand have social media accounts yet I did not care about it. So I just put it on one ear and store it in some part of my brain that I don't know if it was useful, "did you know", or just whatever. Lastly, aren't all celebrities like that? Post here, and there and everywhere so that they would garner a lot of viewers, followers etc. Perhaps it was like me thinking it seems to be normal for them anyway.

Then come around September 2021, the news broke that they were already separated. I was like "Whoa!" The first thing that came to my mind was my dad's comment regarding the (ex)-couple. I don't know if my dad was like a fortune teller, merely coincident or I don't know. I was just amazed how did the heck he figured out. I am not saying that that was the actual reason why they broke up but as we have known by now there might have been cheating allegations on both sides anyway.

So when I saw the news, the very next time we sat on the table together for a meal, I brought up the topic that they broke up and I told him I remember that he mentioned to me about them. He then expounded on his thought regarding it and said the relationship could have been saved if one of them decided to tone down their post about themselves and perhaps more about the other or perhaps their child. He mentioned Marian Rivera as an example who should be emulated on social media postings.

When we finished our meal and my dad have to go back to work, I immediately searched the Instagram profiles of Maggie Wilson, Victor Consunji and Marian Rivera. Boy my dad was onto something when he commented on the social media posts of these celebrities (I still believe he does not have an Instagram or any social media account for him to say that. Lol!). When I checked their profiles, my dad was making sense. All the posts of Maggie Wilson and her ex-husband are mostly full of themselves and rarely the other. Heck there was even one post by Maggie Wilson that struck me where she posted a picture of her then husband and I felt force in the sense because it's her husband's day, he has to be the "bida" or the star for the moment. Then I searched Marian Rivera's Instagram profile, there were solo posts of herself, but that was in relation to her work since she mentioned it was an "ad". I'm sure there's no problem with that since she was getting paid to post that. Also in her Instagram profile, she also made sure to post some pictures of her children and also her husband.

This made me realize something celebrity or not. There is only one spotlight. Whatever was in the spotlight was the only thing people could see in the public eye or in social media per se. There's only an ample space on that spotlight where couples could stand under it.

Now the question is how do they share the spotlight in the people's eyes? Equally, unequally etc. There are many ways on how to utilize (or not to utilize) the said spotlight - and also whatever the decision to make or break a certain relationship. If both couples are private persons, then great there's no need for anyone to be in the spotlight. It could also be one is taking a huge chunk of the spotlight while the private one would stand behind the shadows - which is fine since the goal was to ensure that the relationship is still going strong despite the unequal distribution of the attention that the people give to them.

But both initially desired an equal distribution of spotlight with even the more desire of getting their share? That would be a huge problem - eventually. While audiences would be amazed at both couples being glamorous in front of them, we already know that deep down the couple are fighting for the dominance in the said spotlight which would indeed put a strain on their marriage - perhaps this is why there are also a lot of high-profile break-ups. Which is why some celebrities would rather date or get married into someone outside of the industry, who is more reserved since their jobs would not entail them to be always in the people's spotlight.

We know that there are high profile celebrities locally or internationally that were still together, but we also know that there wasn't much tension for them to hold a grudge against the other if one of them was becoming popular while the other was in the shadow of the other.

To conclude, in the age of social media we might get affected with the number of likes, followers or friends that we had online and whenever we unintentionally compare ourselves with our significant other. I think before entering in such relationship, one must know the amount of spotlight/attention the other person needs then compare it with ourselves if we are okay with the setup or gauge if our love for them is greater than the amount of social-media attention we might receive. Then once we have those basis, we should know if we are willing to accept whatever role that was given to us in the spotlight of relationship.