Life-Changing Proposals

Last month, as I was about to enter my last tween year in the company that I have ever known in my corporate life, I was on the verge of like having this relief of I will finally take a rest (from dating) after ticking off a bucket list that seemed harder than I thought on the first day of my month anniversary while looking forward to the usual work anniversary that I think I am the only employee who treat the day as if I have a birthday party. 😅

Then as the day goes by, life seemed to surprise me in a dramatic fashion that I never expected in my whole life - all in the same month. I received two proposals that would or could change the status of my romantic and corporate life all in a span of two weeks (if I chose to).

The first was a courtship proposal. Apparently, what I thought was supposed to be my "I am going to enjoy my single life" hurrah turned out to "Just say yes to being in a relationship with me and all the curse you have on top of your head is gone."

I literally had zero expectations that someone would take notice of an outdated post from probably almost two years ago that was pooling respondents so they would have a database of interested participants in the Reddit's Fil-Chi community. I think the post was even more than a year ago when I commented about my profile and I forgot about it. Then of course I knew I needed to open the website again to execute my unfulfilled random bucket list only to find out I left someone unread for 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS! In my defense who knew that someone would take notice on an old comment to an even older post. You get what I mean?

So this guy and I end up chatting with me telling him that I would not last long logging in on the site because I just need to do something without expanding much into details. I was wondering what I would do to him and also wondering how am I supposed to contact the person who agreed on the deal I proposed on Reddit without revealing my actual contact number for privacy's sake? Should I download the Reddit app? I was contemplating on the idea but it would be so messy so I end up deciding to use a burner phone number to give to the person I am contacting for my date for rent. Then as for the guy I left unread, I was contemplating in the sense of if it didn't work out and I found someone for him, I could refer him to someone else and he's pure Chinese too, so that was a plus despite the uncertainty surrounding him based on my personal preference. So I decided to give him my burner number and let him decide if he wanted to contact me or not via Telegram.

To cut the story short, after I executed my date for rent, I end up going out with the guy I left unread for 8 months and he said he will pursue me. It's really crazy that things went fast that in the blink of an eye someone would give you an outrageous offer that could end your no boyfriend since birth, but I admit I had a huge reservation towards his offer - well during the getting to know stage via chat too.

Then two weeks after, another unexpected "offer" came along, but this time it's from my boss informing me that I would be promoted and he was so happy about it even if they haven't printed the official letter yet. In fact, he even extended his hand and congratulated me and I just blindly followed despite him mentioning that the offer wouldn't be that much of an increase. After my boss told me that the offer wasn't that big of a difference compared to when I would be getting paid on my overtimes, my overthinking got the best of me. People whom I shared my concern about informed me to just wait until I receive the formal offer.

When I received the offer from my department head, I wasn't happy with what was written. Maybe if nothing would change, I would immediately sign that offer without thinking twice - even if that means just a peso increase. I told her that I would think about it because the offer is between what I was hoping to my "grand welcome" to a new chapter of your corporate life (via promotion) and the nightmare offer that would only give me the amount to meet the threshold (just so they don't pay me any overtime and holiday pays anymore) that I would immediately reject should it came true. If we do the math, that wasn't even the median offer. They kept on saying that they aren't inhumane to give me that for the sake of saving money, but they also told me that it was a drought season that's why they cannot be generous enough. When I told my boss that I said I am going to think about the offer, he talked with me asking why. I told him that the offer was anti-climactic since I knew some of my colleagues received a huge increase when they got promoted to signify that they are being welcomed into a new era of their corporate life. I even told him that they used to give me an increase that was higher than what was currently being offered and I wasn't even promoted that time. I mean if based on the amount I received that time signify that I get promoted, I wouldn't complain about it because for me I think that would signify a huge welcome for me to a new era.

I know it might be petty for some, but for someone who never got promoted in their corporate life, it was such a big deal for me. For some, most of them got their first promotion in less than five years. However for someone whose position does not have a path, it's either you go to another company or you just stay content with what you have knowing that nothing would change no matter how well you perform. Sometimes when people learned that I never got promoted since I started working and when they followed it up with if you get increase and replied yes, they would say you know you are better off like that than to get promoted.

Honestly, I cried about it because I felt like you've waited for so long only to feel that you were taken for granted. Then the guy that was currently pursuing me right now wasn't helping my cause at all that's why the tears I had on the work proposal I received became even more emotionally unbearable because it's tantamount to saying should I also accept the guy's proposal to be my boyfriend despite the issues that I noticed all because the dating market is dry just so I can tell the world that I am no longer single?

When my department colleagues saw me talking with our VP, they were congratulating me, but I just informed them that I didn't sign yet. I was glad that they understood that I wasn't being ungrateful on what was given to me, they knew that it was not an ordinary or typical offer. In fact it's a life-changing one in terms of the corporate ladder set-up.

After talking with my colleagues who stayed in the company longer than me, my boss explaining the reason and my friends, they just told me that it's better to accept it because salaries don't get lower. As for my fellow colleagues, they said that I am lucky enough that I got the position faster than anyone else in the department. When I asked my fellow colleague who I knew was already an assistant if how long she waited before she got into where she is now, she said it took her longer than I was. Then she said the year that she got promoted was the year where everybody got a huge increase, it was just that she already went past the threshold of a certain level when they gave her that increase. As for me when the jump happened, the jump wasn't high enough for me to get past the threshold to another level. By the time the next round of increase came, it came at an unfortunate time where there was a drought, at the same time I was at the borderline to the next level and the jump was enough for me to be considered to be at the next level. Like my college friend who worked in HR in another industry told me, it happen sometimes where you only get a little increase when you got promoted just because you were on the borderline before.

In the end, I just signed it - with a twist where I recorded myself together with my stuffed animal because I think that was the least thing that they could do to appease me in such an unfortunate situation for me right? Like if you can't make someone happy with the increase that they hope for, at least allow them to do it on their terms without violating their privacy as an individual - I am also glad that they decided to change the title of my position because it's kind of weird if I would still get the same title and not get paid with overtimes and holiday pays anymore. After all they promised that nothing would change except the pay. That they wouldn't torture me with more unpaid holiday work and overtime and they said you've been doing what an assistant manager has been doing already - it was just that the time wasn't right back then. This time it was right. After all, the multipliers of possible bonuses would now be based on your current salary not your previous one. Every peso counts.

After the dust has settled in terms of my corporate proposal, I think when I look back, I realized that I think I should be happy that things happened not the way I hoped for. I always feel like my love and work life have the same pattern, so similar that I received the offer on the same month. If there is something I learned here was that maybe I shouldn't like put too much stock on the trajectory of my love life into my work life. Maybe as soon as I received the love proposal from someone, God probably intervened and told my bosses to give a salary increase to some of my co-departments including me - well so rushed that maybe it wasn't as high as I wanted to be. 

However, I think it was the best because it allowed you to re-evaluate your worth based on the offer that was given to me. I know as of now I haven't responded to the love offer as I was still on entertaining mode since it made me realized that signing the offer as an assistant manager despite the minimal increase doesn't mean I should say yes immediately to the guy that was willing to adjust for me just because there was no other guy who was interested in pursuing or dating me. If I would put my work in terms of dating it's a matter of you are already giving the guy a girlfriend experience but sometimes with pay if it was too much work, it was just that this time you both agreed to be in a relationship, the difference was you would still do the same to him but you do not get paid this time for the extra services within the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anymore. As for the dating proposal, I cannot say the same thing, because that was a whole different area. I think I already know what would happen, but maybe I could be wrong or if he probably read this, he would figure it out. Anything is possible, but for now - I guess I would be enjoying the moment whether in work or in love as I go onto my next adventure.

Date for Rent: The Reality Behind the Process

When my mom kept on asking me what was the Chinese Zodiac sign of this guy and that guy I dated, I was like thinking, why don't I make a tabulation because I felt like I haven't dated a lot of guys for me to lost count and still tabulate it? As I made a tabulation, I end up not dating two Zodiac signs with one I haven't recorded as we haven't met that time (but we eventually did and it didn't work out).

So fast forward, I realized why do I need to sulk in my singleness while my in a relationship or married friends are enjoying the time of their lives with their special someone? Besides I could experience what they are experiencing anytime I want, but they cannot experience the ones I'm doing anymore because for them that's tantamount to cheating.

Then comes the lightbulb moment. I realized I would be technically alone in Canada with no parents or friends in tow all the time in the day, so I was like why not date a Canadian resident or citizen there? So I told myself, if I was able to date one, I would complete the missing Zodiac by finding a way on how to get them to date me - and I also did that there. So now, all I need was to find any guy with that specific Zodiac sign to date me and I would really take a rest from dating or opening the dating app and be like carefree.

Honestly, finding the missing Chinese Zodiac was harder than I thought. I guess they said when you are looking for a specific thing, it looks like finding a needle in a haystack that you don't know where to find. Or you thought it was a surplus only to find out once you want or need it, it becomes hard to find. I tried online dating apps and matched the guys who are interested in me based on the age I was looking for, asked some friends if they know someone and even the organizers of our community. However, they have various reasons such as they have repercussions on how would the community react upon it such as you'll be a source of talks in their mini group chats, then there is the stigma involving money since doing that would make you look desperate and also they would think anything that involves money is a scam too - especially that easy. Maybe similar to what some random senders are asking us that if you like three posts from an online shopping website, you'll get 160 pesos as a head start. Then there's people who might say they cannot find anything but maybe they don't feel like looking or maybe they think I am joking with what I said.

I guess there is where being a researcher at work comes in very handy. Based on what the feedback of the people I confided with told me, I knew I just have to get something done in an anonymous way, but still open for contact and somehow get ready to get blasted by the audience in a way. So I realized, what if I post on Reddit?

Posting on Reddit was no easy feat too. I don't know where to actually post it. Do I post it on ads, do I post it for single, or even for one night stands? It's like I don't even know where to categorize and the last thing you want to happen was to violate some community rules that I was never aware of. I knew I had some annoying instances at Monopoly Go where they were so strict with it and banned me for 24 hours or what for failure to comply with group chat rules. So what I did was to message the moderator of a sub-reddit group explaining what I wanted to achieve and inquiring about the mechanics. Thankfully the moderator was accommodating and just emphasized the requirements I need to fulfill so that they could approve the post I wanted to create.

Now on to creating one. My mind knew what to post - I just got to make sure that nothing slips out because if I am going to "invest" on this thing, I better not screw this up because it would be very painful as it would cost a lot of money even if it's probably worth my day's salary - but still.

So onto posting (and the moderator approved of it). I am not sure what to expect. All I hope was there's one guy who is qualified because I wanted to get it done so I can take a rest from dating and do whatever I wanted that has nothing to do with romance.

I got a few messages but at least there is traction, interest or curiosity involved. However, there are technically two guys qualified, one who was really looking forward for the free food and the other don't want the incentive part, but wanted the authentic connection. Since the first one who was interested in food messaged first, I confirmed that he was indeed born on the year I was looking for. After further inquiry, I already set a date to meet him.

I did meet him albeit he was almost an hour late, but it doesn't matter to me even if it would normally piss me off - after all I needed him to complete my Chinese Zodiac so who am I to complain?

So after I met him and gave my dues, here's what I realized during the process of finding the missing Chinese Zodiac sign until I met the said guy:

People want connection:

At first I thought that people are after the money, that's why I placed some sweetener in the hope that somebody would bite.

Well technically only one bit on the exact offer, but what was quite disheartening was the fact that the people who sent me a message were saying they wanted to meet me even in the absence of money.

I am saying this because it seems like people are having a hard time to find a constant someone to chat with. Someone even begged if I could reconsider seeing him even if they are not included in my age range. My heart just sank because deep within me, I know that I would just be fooling them because most likely whoever I'll be meeting will be a Filipino of blood and I knew that I wasn't looking for long-term so it's quite unfair to them. Additionally, paying for the service even if they have to treat it like an actual date was less troublesome because I would be paying for their meal and the incentive for meeting me.

Anything that's too good to be true looked like scam

I just realized that putting too much premium might look like a scam. Like what the missing zodiac guy said, as much as there is money involved, he was actually quite scared of the tradeoff that he would need to give up. He even joked if I would "kill" him.

I did assured him and also on the community I posted that it wasn't a scam... And I really made sure I have brought the said cash along as to know that I am not going to deceive anybody.

Scrutiny will only happen if you are at the wrong market

I know my fellow Filipino-Chinese would probably make a side-eye or your post will be subject of teas to a bunch of group chats as it seems like the group chats would only be alive if you guys are talking about something.

Perhaps one reason why some Fil-Chi organizers are scared of my idea.

However, posting on Reddit where there are a lot of Filipinos, wanted to do a lot of side hustles, and probably the adventurous types, there might be skepticism, but at least I was able to get some positive feedback where they wished me luck and while for others they are curious and how they wished they are qualified to the age range I was looking for.

Conclusion

In the end, I think there is nothing regrettable about what I did and I think I might do it again if something piqued my curiosity. I think it showed how sad our world is where people are craving for authentic connection but I guess we might be a bunch of superficial beings. That's why I wanted it to be a paid one because recovering from emotional connection then the need to force cut it off would be a very painful one.

However now I already ticked something off my bucket list that I've been searching for the past two months, I can't wait for the month to end and I would take a break from dating/getting to know people. After all, it's fun if you could try to achieve something else that has nothing to do with dating - you can be more productive instead of setting aside time to meet them only to realize a few dates in that things won't materialize and you're back to square one.

What Dating a Single Dad Taught Me

One of my friends sent me the conversation she had with her boyfriend, after informing him that one of the guys they are rooting for me did not work out, that maybe I needed to change my dating strategy.

I honestly don't know what he exactly meant because if there is a strategy I changed was my criteria on what I look for in a man. I realized around last year that the height may not as bad as I thought it was and decided to double down on still being pure Chinese and hopefully a practicing Catholic because like what I've been telling my online friend who lives in Brooklyn that I am not going to repeat some history. I felt like if I would still be thinking the same damn things that would worry or freak me out, I would be stuck in the peril of unwanted thoughts and things that hasn't happen yet.

I was thinking okay since everybody's main concern/priority was having kids which I felt I wasn't confident to give them based on my situation, what if I go after a single dad? After all they wouldn't want to have any other kids right on top of what they have right? I was also thinking the kids might be fine as long as the step-mother doesn't desire to have her own children with their father right?

So after my encounter with the single dad on our date, here are my learnings and realizations:

They have more leverage than you thought:

If there is something I was kind of blindsided about was I underestimated them so much while forgetting the biology of the men specie. I was thinking that if a woman is a single mother, she would have less leverage in choosing men just because she has kids in tow, then maybe I could think the same way as a single dad. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I am not sure if it's because it's only a one-time situation where I didn't have any basis?

I realized they have more leverage as a single dad especially if you are the one who desires kids. Maybe most people thought that if a single dad have kids, they are okay to having more kids. It's true that they might want another kid, however they are not as pressured as a single childless woman would. For a man their life is technically complete and for their sexual needs, all they need is to find someone who can fulfill their itch from time to time.

Gender Bias is for Real:

While waiting in line to pay my community tax, a marshal assigned on our line was entertaining us by telling us stories of whatever. What he told us shocked me. He said something along the lines of saying it's much more painful for a woman to cheat on a guy than vise versa because if a woman cheats on his man and got pregnant, there is an evidence.

I guess there's the saying that we can't beat Biology. That when women aren't careful with their bodies when engaging in pre-marital sex, they're screwed. Unlike men, they can escape responsibility if they want to.

Then add to the fact that when this guy I went out with said being a single dad is actually an advantage because it shows that he was willing to own and raise the kids - that people would perceive him to be responsible.

While women, they were not praised if they're responsible in rearing kids without the father of her children. It was an expectation and her children being fatherless or an absentee father would reduce the chance of her finding the love she deserves all because society thinks single mothers are a burden while single dads are a privilege.

You'll be on a losing stick if you chose not to have kids with him:

Dating this guy made me realize and thinking of the possible set-up if I would choose to be with him made me realize that if I don't want to have kids with them because I am scared as crap of whatever I would be passing on and be content to be a stepmother and not a mother, I would be on a losing stick while he gets all the benefit the world has to offer.

Imagine that his kids has their figurative mother already, the kids don't need to worry about evil step mother favoring her own child over them. Then the dad of the kids can have his needs fulfilled then he doesn't need to spend more things on top of the needs of his children, I be like so what is it for me?

I know they said that one shouldn't treat marriage as transactional, but what if these men are exploiting that they have something you truly desire (which to be loved), but you need to give up or sacrifice a lot just to be with them right?

You're the pig in the relationship while they're just the chicken:

I think this is similar to the second statement, but if we know the concept of the ham and egg in group projects or relationships, you might get the idea. I first learned the concept in our Systems and Analysis Design subject where they describe the ham and egg which it entails that in order to have that ham and egg, the pig would have to give a part of its body while the hen just contribute without losing any part of her body.

Basically:

pig = commitment

egg = contribution.

This is a very unfortunate situation if you are unmarried and childless. It's like these men would just do the bare minimum using the children as an excuse while a single childless woman have to bend on every request or demand of the guy just to get the "love" that they are giving.

Besides what if you were willing to be the pig in the relationship in the hopes of him being a pig soon, but he refused to be a pig because it's fun being a hen? That's going to be a double whammy for a girl.

I am worth so much more (despite of my perceived flaws)

I think if there is a very eye-opening in what I went through was is this how worthless I think I am that I am going after a single dad who didn't believe in marriage and just wanted to have a constant someone to take their itch away from them anytime they want so they wouldn't be labeled as a male version of whore?

I knew my situation that I am dealing with right now is already crappy enough that I am not sure how I would get through it, but I realized that you know what even if I have an unpleasant situation that would make men run as far as they could, I am worth so much, much more.

I was like why would I go after a single dad if I could just find someone who never had his own kids and would never desire to have one in the near future? I'm sure there are a lot of men like that. I just have to find where is that guy.

Conclusion:

If you were wondering what happened, I ended it because I realized that as much as he was honest and upfront about his proposal, it was something I felt my conscience couldn't fathom based on what he wanted to do. Like what my online friend told me, he felt that I have a perennial problem when it comes to dating. I realized I felt like an old record to him that I kept on saying after every guy with more than one date I'm with fall apart that I had this gut already that it won't work, they just ended it first.

This time, I didn't let it naturally end, I really end it clearly because what he wanted was way out of my principles and values. I know that there will be someone out there for him who could fulfill his desires, but not someone like me. I know I don't have a lot to offer in the eyes of what the world deem the men need, but that doesn't mean I would allow my conscience to eat me on my waking life just to have that love that I don't even know if it would last to eternity.

I mean how much are they willing to pay to keep my sanity and peace intact?

Just Right

My personal reflection during the time I played for Yahoo! Fantasy for the 2024-2025 season.

As the 2024-2025 NBA season is over... so does my 2024-2025 Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball season.

Coming after a year's hiatus of playing Fantasy Basketball the previous season, here I am starting to be a newbie again in drafting and adding/dropping players for six to seven months.

And for the third time in a row in the other fantasy league that I was playing where I was the one drafted my own players, I got another silver trophy.

I don't know if I have a curse in that league I'm playing where for some weird reason, I suddenly don't even stand a chance on beating the opponent where it matters the most. The commissioner, who already become one of my friends online even told me that I better get one after he was eliminated by the eventual winner of the season that we played in fantasy basketball. Historically if I look at my statistics some matches you knew that you're toast, others you feel like your team is a powerful force until something happened to them that you either lost them due to unfortunate injury or their seedings are already secured that the team elected the players to rest.

As for this year's league, I think aside from the highest draft order that I got in like forever, I felt like I have a good team. Yes, there were a bit of stumble if you would see on my draft record on the picture posted here, but I got a good pickups along the way such as taking advantage of someone dropping Onyeka Okongwu and Brandin Podziemski. Those are stable gems. I know the Okongwu stock has increased due to Jalen Johnson being out for the season due to his shoulder injury and for some reason I have zero idea how did Podziemski improved, but I'll take whatever at some point.

Entering the final week of the fantasy regular season, it seems like I have fate in my hands on which opponent I would rather face or which path. Still in the 6th place prior to the final week of the fantasy season, I was going against someone who is in the 5th place with him having a win ahead of me. I knew that I'm going to win the tiebreaker and whoever was in the 4th spot that time knew that whoever won the match would have to face him. Knowing that the current 4th seed lost his best player in Victor Wembanyama, it's an easy win in the playoffs and a sure-ball semifinals granted all of my key players would play and losing would mean that I would have to fight with all my might against the defending champion who is also our commissioner in the first round of the playoffs.

I calculated my odds and saw that dodging the 2-3 seed is the best option to have a sure silver in the final round as I noticed that the 4th place is beatable and the one who held the 1st seed is currently limping with injuries on her key players. So I fought my best to beat the current 5th place and I got the 5th spot as the fantasy regular season is over.

Entering fantasy playoffs, it seems like my team is unstoppable. Imagine if I go on head-to-head against all of them for that week, I would have won easily. But at least some managers either doesn't feel anything as they still lost or they feel like they dodged a bullet that it wasn't them I was going against with that time. In fantasy as much as it feels like it's strategy, it also involves luck.

So into semifinals, I also won a comfortable margin against the 8th seed (who toppled the injured 1st seed), while the opposing bracket have to dispose all their possible adds entering the finals.

Now into the finals, I knew my team have a chance to beat the opponent who has Jokic, Randle and other formidable players. The problem, my players started to drop like flies... not because they're injured, but 3 of my top 5 players already locked their playoff spots in their respective conferences by a huge margin. Huge margin in the sense they might as well not play the rest of the week and they would still have their spots secured and the remaining 2 out of the top 5 happened to have a hopeless case in getting into the play-in so they just say that he is out for the season or they are already locked into the play-in and there's no point in tiring them out as the season winds down.

Meanwhile my opponent has teams who are fighting for playoff seeding; thus would need all of their players active to keep on winning. Then you also have the issue of you end up picking up players despite them being "scrubs" were too good for the team that they are ruining the team's chance to get a better lottery position. How weird was that isn't it? I feel like it's the first time I've encountered young players who are considered scrubs are started to be treated like veterans because they are so good. That's how weird this year's NBA is.

So looking back, could I say I drafted the right players? I mean if I would based it from last season, Minnesota, Oklahoma City and Denver were fighting for the first seed up until the final regular season. This season, OKC was a runaway winner of getting the 1st seed and they just keep on resting players to prepare for the post-season. Could I also predict that the Cleveland Cavaliers were going to take the 1st seed in the East? No.

In the end, drafting players is really going to be a combination of strategy and luck in terms of the players you've drafted are not only healthy - but also competing for the post season seeding. With the hiatus I had last season, I think getting a silver is already such a remarkable feat in the competitive league I'm in. I guess I couldn't ask for more.

Here's hoping that one day I would be the bride in the league that I was playing whose commissioner now turned to be my friend instead of being a bridesmaid for a very, very long time.

Leaving the Past Behind

People kept on saying that everything happens for a reason... and I really believe that saying until now. It's like it's always the unexpected things that suddenly happens in our life that makes us wonder why things happen.

As a person who is quite aware of my stuff and making sure they're intact and also you can say that I am a good at taking care of things, some things would just go missing in action and you wonder where did you place them?

Or maybe some times they will just break down on it's own not because of misuse, but probably overuse and through time just like my last power bank that was given to me by one of the guys I met online as his birthday gift for me.

The photo of the cloth bag I posted here was a birthday gift of the mom of my friend. I know you'll be wondering what's the connection? You aren't even talking about romantic stuff right? Of course I wasn't talking about romantic stuff in here. This cloth bag was indeed one of the birthday gifts I got during the first year of pandemic lockdown along with that pink power bank that one of the guys I used to go out with gave to me.

The thing was at the time with one of my dates with a guy back in 2023, I had to pull out this cloth bag as their brown paper Kraft bag for take out didn't have a handle for them to hold. So here I was offering my cloth bag so they (the guy and his mom) have a handle to hold comfortably. A quick backstory: As we put the Kraft bag inside my cloth bag, I was wondering if they would really make me carry my take-out as we are about to leave the restaurant premises since they didn't immediately hold the cloth bag to show initiative that they will be the ones carrying it. So, I stood up, and took the cloth bag with their take out food inside only for the guy's mom to see it and immediately told me to give it to her son.... and so I did.

Even if things didn't work out between me and this guy, I still haven't washed that cloth bag and it served a lot of purpose on the travels that I've been through and everything else. Maybe my go-to eco bag because it was so small and it's not taking a lot of space inside my bag.

Then my Canada trip came, for some reason it survived maybe the first third of my trip until my main shoulder bag's strap broke down and I have to start to minimize bringing my stuff on what they call a dumpling bag. As I start to pack my stuff into my luggage (so I don't end up panicking towards the end of my trip), I realized my cloth bag is gone.

Maybe I'm just a sucker of losing cloth bags that was given by my high school friends or their relatives. I mean last time I lost a cloth bag that was given by one of my dear friends was when I was in China study tour and this time it's now.

Or maybe it's also a way of saying that it's start to leave the past behind. Like I don't need to look at the cloth bag and would have tiny flashbacks of him holding that bag - even if it was against his will because his mother said so. Same as the power bank that just naturally broke down of it's own until it becomes unusable and I have no choice but to put it on one of the SM electronic recycle bins inside their malls.

So I guess it's time to find a new official cloth bag that I could bring anywhere and as for the power bank? We'll I'm not a huge user unless I go to abroad and my last trip to Canada, my youngest sibling lend me his.

Here is leaving the unnecessary past behind and start to write a new chapter with the remaining things you have and who knows when their chapter with your life end.

Course Flashback

As I try to find which school to enroll and which course do I need to take in college during my graduating year in high school, the question boils down to do you take the degree that you want, but won't feed your tummy or study the course you don't want, but will feed your tummy.

In my case, I had an ongoing petty argument with my mom regarding that. I dreaded taking a business course just because I hated to study accounting so very much like it gives you a bad impression about the subject.

So my mom and I kept on discussing things until we both decided then that I would be studying in CSB majoring in International studies I think? Like we did the notary public etc. I know my mom is not really on board with me taking that degree, but she likes the school since it's near our house and the one in front of the school? Well let's say I wasn't smart enough to pass. As for me, I am not on board with the school due to it's negative connotation as the dumpsite for the students who failed in DLSU, but I think I am okay with the course I chose.

Until my mom got curious what happened to my St. Scholastica's College application since she knew I passed the entrance exam. Since CSB and St. Scho are near to each other (St. Scho is located at the back of CSB), we decided to go there before we went home. So as my mom saw the list of courses available, she was like there's a double degree program in St. Scho.

And there comes the lightbulb moment! Because we learned that it's any course from the Liberal Arts Program and any course from the Commerce Program. I remembered my mom was begging to me that please just get commerce and she would be at peace (I think it's whatever major but as long as it's Bachelor of Science in Commerce). So there goes I study what you want, and I study what I want. It's near our house, you are okay with the culture, there's uniform so I don't need to think what to wear everyday. So I end up enrolling in St. Scho and the rest was history.

However, there is sort of a downside from my mom's point of view. It's an exclusive school, which means I would not be able to interact with men which she felt was kind of crucial for me to get into relationships. Well, she did some pros and cons and making me study in St. Scho is more important than whether I will find love or not.

Apparently, the cons seems to be so glaring now that my mom was so desparate for me to have a guy in my life. I mean I don't know what the future holds or the reason why things are still stagnant on that part, but it is what it is. Am I too late to try? Or there is no enough luck for me to pass?

What I can say now was I think I am at the point where I tried everything possible that I never imagined with the last one being the conscious decision on going against something that you decided that you would never done in your life... I mean pre-pandemic I would, but these past year or two, probably not.

They also said you need to create a sense of competition in the dating scene as to not end up settling for something just because you felt there's no other choice..

I think that's what I did, albeit for a very, very short period of time (Hey, at least I tried) lol! I think right now, creating a sense of competition gave me flashbacks on which course to choose from during my graduating year in high school.

If before I could just choose both to appease what I want and what will fill my tummy, I can't do the same thing anymore because that's called infidelity.

You see some people are like a course/degree that is visually unappealing, but if you choose them, you will never go hungry. On the other hand, some courses, while they would give you a sense of fulfillment or joy, it doesn't guarantee that it would also help you feed yourself and eventually your family. Elders would always tell me that choose something that would feed your tummy. A doctor's secretary even told me that I shouldn't fall in love of the idea of studying science subjects just because that one university that gave me an academic placement said that if only you took a course that is not that demanding to the masses, you wouldn't end up lost and to choose another degree on a bunch of list of available degrees based on my entrance test results. Her point was not everyone is like the doctor she was serving who have a long lines of patients and at the same time also love what they're doing. However, most of the people are either stuck with being unhappily full or would be starving happily.

After I told my female bosses my pros and cons about the guys I went out with, my VP asked if barring everything who would I choose? I straightly answered that I would go with someone who could feed my tummy rather than going after someone who will make you happy.

By answering my VP's question, I guess if I had those course flashback with a more matured mind, I think I know which course to choose now if I am only allowed to choose one. Also as I look back to my work now, I cannot guarantee which degree exactly fills my tummy (and probably my luxurious needs) because as much as I wanted to take Mass Communications then choose Marketing Major in Commerce (per my mother's wish), I end up sort of taking a major that I don't want in Liberal Arts - which is Psychology... and I actually end up taking the degree I wanted in Commerce - which is Business and Information Systems Management instead of Marketing. 

What an irony right?

If you are wondering which degree exactly is helping me survive? I cannot give a straight answer because it seems like both of them did their respective jobs and my direct boss didn't see me as someone with two different personalities in terms of what I could bring to the table into the corporate setting. Instead, he saw it as an opportunity to utilize what I have learned in both courses. I guess when someone with a double degree landed on your lap that suits the needs of your company, you can't just ignore their other course and only focus on one. Instead you make use of the opportunity - and I think that's what my boss did.

Wanted: The Perfect Dish

As I was sending a message to my future husband I never knew yet and I am sharing a story to him about someone I know whose heart was shattered into a million pieces by someone he thought would bring him eternal happiness, I realized we can attribute our search for love to finding the perfect dish that suits our palette that we are willing to eat for the rest of our lives.

As we know there are different kinds of dishes. Some harm us, turn us into addicts, make us feel healthy, make us feel happy and satisfied, and probably other positive and negative emotions that would affect our well-being.

The Perfect Dish

They are healthy and they are appealing enough to your liking. I guess this is probably a dream food that you are willing to eat for the rest of your life especially if you know it will make you have eternal happiness and contentment. Like love, this is probably the perfect scenario wherein, you want them in your life, and they would make your life worthwhile for the rest of your life.

The Allergens

We know that it’s unfortunate for some people that they cannot eat everything as they pleased. Even if the mind is telling you that this food is good for their body, it is not. These types of people who come into our lives have good intentions, but for some reason we don’t respond well whenever food enters our bodies - or when it comes to love… our life. It was like you know they are a good person, a capable spouse, but it would affect our well-being or the people around us if we still try to make it work with them.

The Junks

The mind is telling us that if we really want to have them, we can enjoy them, but as people say, always IN MODERATION. However, admit it or not, these foods make us feel so good, give us dopamine rush, and make us happy. We even eat it whenever we want to watch shows or to probably just kill our boredom. Similar to love, these types of people would give us those giddy feelings that if not careful, we would go down peril… aka leading to unhealthy lifestyle or relationship.

Drugs and Alcohol

If there is one thing we know from smokers and any person who is addicted to something, they always say that once you start trying, you won’t stop. I think this is similar to when we already know that someone is a walking red flag. A person or a thing that would do us no good, and yet for some reason there was this part of us that would say, I want to try it, just once… just a bit… then turned into maybe a little more, or twice… until you didn’t realize that it was harming you not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and maybe spiritually. Then you feel like you cannot escape rock bottom that you need to keep on taking it, or being with this red flag person, because that’s the only time you feel high or existent in life… or their life.

Like any form of drugs and alcohol addiction, we need someone to bring us back into reality, but of course that starts with admitting that we need help. Help to get out of the mess we’ve been into. This is where your support system is much needed - to help you get out of your mess… or love mess with a prospective romantic person who caused us physical, psychological and even emotional damage. This also meant you need to do a lot of internal cleaning, maybe being sober for a very, very long time. In relationships, this would mean taking a break, creating boundaries on what kind of people we can tolerate to enter in our lives without losing ourselves and needing to pick up the pieces these people destroyed when they came into our lives.

The Unappealing, but Healthy Dish

Kind of weird that I put this last right? I wanted to put this last because I think this is the core of what I felt that someone I’m referring to in the first paragraph of this blog might be experiencing or encountering right now…

We know that there are foods that are healthy, our internal organs can actually take it, but our five senses and brain cannot phantom for that food to get inside our body. I know whenever we eat unappealing but healthy foods, there is a tendency that our brain is sending signals that they do not like the food, so the tendency we tend to retch, vomit or experience sudden feelings of discomfort. Isn’t this the same as when we meet a person that we are not attracted to? We felt like retching, or pretending to be cool only deep down you want to just run away because your senses cannot take what your brain is sending to them?

Then you have elders who would always say these foods may be unappealing, but it’s good for your health. Some kids would learn to like or eat those unappealing healthy foods as they grow older, some would be so stubborn that they would make sure they wouldn’t try it. In love, I’m sure we encountered a lot of people in our lives especially prospective lovers where they kept on saying they are the ones that won’t bring you misery or suffering in your life, but they know that they are unappealing in the eyes of the majority and sometimes you can’t just live with that.

There are two possible ways for this unappealing food to be loved: Forced if you don’t like it, but you have to because as much as the food is really not delicious, you still have to agree that it brings nutrients to your body. Like love, maybe that person is so unappealing, but they gave you security in terms of emotional, financial, etc. However because you are in a state of no choice (e.g. sick) or lacking any resources to gain access to those appealing but quite expensive dishes, you end up sticking with them. After all, the only thing that technically affects you is your level of attraction to that person. I mean if the person you are most attracted to has the qualities that that unattractive person that came into your life right now, you would even hope and wish that you two would be together forever right?

Then, as you grow older, you’ll realize people who are not allergic to unappealing healthy foods would resort to saying I am going to eat this type of food if it is prepared that way. Maybe when it comes to love or making someone like an unattractive food, maybe we just need to prepare or present them differently. After all, bitter melons are really not delicious, but if they are visually appealing or maybe you add a bit of sugar to combat the bitterness of it, it wouldn’t feel bad at all. I remember when we went out to celebrate my youngest brother’s birthday, my dad ordered liver. My family knows how much I hate eating liver, but that day… mind you I was the one who finished that dish… That dish I sincerely dread. When my dad saw it and I commented that the dish tasted good, he said you know local Chinese chefs have a certain way to prepare the dish that would make it taste good. I guess my point is… maybe we just need to change a tiny bit of ourselves to make ourselves more appealing, more presentable and maybe more tolerable to their senses. After all they said looks are the first thing that people see right? We cannot expect and hope that if only or I wish people would take a chance on us, they wouldn’t regret it at all. Mostly true, but we should know that not everyone has that mindset and not everyone is willing to take a chance on us. If there might be someone who is willing to take a chance on us, it’s rarely the perfect dish, it would be some other form of dishes or substance that would make us miserable.

I guess I would like to say that maybe a lot of us are unappealing, but healthy dishes. But in any unappealing and healthy dish, presentation matters, the way they prepare us matters, and the way we blend with other ingredients matters… I think with the right mindset, the right ingredients and giving our trust to the head chef (which when it comes to love is our Father Almighty), we can be the perfect dish to someone that would give them eternal happiness and contentment.