One of my friends sent me the conversation she had with her boyfriend, after informing him that one of the guys they are rooting for me did not work out, that maybe I needed to change my dating strategy.
I honestly don't know what he exactly meant because if there is a strategy I changed was my criteria on what I look for in a man. I realized around last year that the height may not as bad as I thought it was and decided to double down on still being pure Chinese and hopefully a practicing Catholic because like what I've been telling my online friend who lives in Brooklyn that I am not going to repeat some history. I felt like if I would still be thinking the same damn things that would worry or freak me out, I would be stuck in the peril of unwanted thoughts and things that hasn't happen yet.
I was thinking okay since everybody's main concern/priority was having kids which I felt I wasn't confident to give them based on my situation, what if I go after a single dad? After all they wouldn't want to have any other kids right on top of what they have right? I was also thinking the kids might be fine as long as the step-mother doesn't desire to have her own children with their father right?
So after my encounter with the single dad on our date, here are my learnings and realizations:
They have more leverage than you thought:
If there is something I was kind of blindsided about was I underestimated them so much while forgetting the biology of the men specie. I was thinking that if a woman is a single mother, she would have less leverage in choosing men just because she has kids in tow, then maybe I could think the same way as a single dad. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I am not sure if it's because it's only a one-time situation where I didn't have any basis?
I realized they have more leverage as a single dad especially if you are the one who desires kids. Maybe most people thought that if a single dad have kids, they are okay to having more kids. It's true that they might want another kid, however they are not as pressured as a single childless woman would. For a man their life is technically complete and for their sexual needs, all they need is to find someone who can fulfill their itch from time to time.
Gender Bias is for Real:
While waiting in line to pay my community tax, a marshal assigned on our line was entertaining us by telling us stories of whatever. What he told us shocked me. He said something along the lines of saying it's much more painful for a woman to cheat on a guy than vise versa because if a woman cheats on his man and got pregnant, there is an evidence.
I guess there's the saying that we can't beat Biology. That when women aren't careful with their bodies when engaging in pre-marital sex, they're screwed. Unlike men, they can escape responsibility if they want to.
Then add to the fact that when this guy I went out with said being a single dad is actually an advantage because it shows that he was willing to own and raise the kids - that people would perceive him to be responsible.
While women, they were not praised if they're responsible in rearing kids without the father of her children. It was an expectation and her children being fatherless or an absentee father would reduce the chance of her finding the love she deserves all because society thinks single mothers are a burden while single dads are a privilege.
You'll be on a losing stick if you chose not to have kids with him:
Dating this guy made me realize and thinking of the possible set-up if I would choose to be with him made me realize that if I don't want to have kids with them because I am scared as crap of whatever I would be passing on and be content to be a stepmother and not a mother, I would be on a losing stick while he gets all the benefit the world has to offer.
Imagine that his kids has their figurative mother already, the kids don't need to worry about evil step mother favoring her own child over them. Then the dad of the kids can have his needs fulfilled then he doesn't need to spend more things on top of the needs of his children, I be like so what is it for me?
I know they said that one shouldn't treat marriage as transactional, but what if these men are exploiting that they have something you truly desire (which to be loved), but you need to give up or sacrifice a lot just to be with them right?
You're the pig in the relationship while they're just the chicken:
I think this is similar to the second statement, but if we know the concept of the ham and egg in group projects or relationships, you might get the idea. I first learned the concept in our Systems and Analysis Design subject where they describe the ham and egg which it entails that in order to have that ham and egg, the pig would have to give a part of its life while the hen just contribute without losing any part of her body.
Basically pig = commitment while egg = contribution.
This is a very unfortunate situation if you are unmarried and childless. It's like these men would just do the bare minimum using the children as an excuse while a single childless woman have to bend on every request or demand of the guy just to get the "love" that they are giving.
Besides what if you were willing to be the pig in the relationship in the hopes of him being a pig soon, but he refused to be a pig because it's fun being a hen? That's going to be a double whammy for a girl.
I am worth so much more (despite of my perceived flaws)
I think if there is a very eye-opening in what I went through was is this how worthless I think I am that I am going after a single dad who didn't believe in marriage and just wanted to have a constant someone to take their itch away from them anytime they want so they wouldn't be labeled as a male version of whore?
I knew my situation that I am dealing with right now is already crappy enough that I am not sure how I would get through it, but I realized that you know what even if I have an unpleasant situation that would make men run as far as they could, I am worth so much, much more.
I was like why would I go after a single dad if I could just find someone who never had his own kids and would never desire to have one in the near future? I'm sure there are a lot of men like that. I just have to find where is that guy.
Conclusion:
If you were wondering what happened, I ended it because I realized that as much as he was honest and upfront about his proposal, it was something I felt my conscience couldn't fathom based on what he wanted to do. Like what my online friend told me, he felt that I have a perennial problem when it comes to dating. I realized I felt like an old record to him that I kept on saying after every guy with more than one date I'm with fall apart that I had this gut already that it won't work, they just ended it first.
This time, I didn't let it naturally end, I really end it clearly because what he wanted was way out of my principles and values. I know that there will be someone out there for him who could fulfill his desires, but not someone like me. I know I don't have a lot to offer in the eyes of what the world deem the men need, but that doesn't mean I would allow my conscience to eat me on my waking life just to have that love that I don't even know if it would last eternity.
I mean how much are they willing to pay to keep my sanity and peace intact?
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