Course Flashback

As I try to find which school to and which course do I need to take in college during my graduating year in high school, the question boils down to do you take the degree that you want, but won't feed your tummy or study the course you don't want, but will feed your tummy.

In my case, I had an ongoing petty argument with my mom regarding that. I dreaded taking a business course just because I hated to study accounting so very much like it gives you a bad impression about the subject.

So my mom and I kept on discussing things until we both decided then that I would be studying in CSB majoring in International studies I think? Like we did the notary public etc. I know my mom is not really on board with me taking that degree, but she likes the school since it's near our house and the one in front of the school? Well let's say I wasn't smart enough to pass. As for me, I am not on board with the school due to it's negative connotation as the dumpsite for the students who failed in DLSU, but I think I am okay with the course I chose.

Until my mom got curious what happened to my St. Scholastica's College application since she knew I passed the entrance exam. Since CSB and St. Scho are near to each other (St. Scho is located at the back of CSB), we decided to go there before we went home. So as my mom saw the list of courses available, she was like there's a double degree program in St. Scho.

And there comes the lightbulb moment! Because we learned that it's any course from the Liberal Arts Program and any course from the Commerce Program. I remembered my mom was begging to me that please just get commerce and she would be at peace (I think it's whatever major but as long as it's Bachelor of Science in Commerce). So there goes I study what you want, and I study what I want. It's near our house, you are okay with the culture, there's uniform so I don't need to think what to wear everyday. So I end up enrolling in St. Scho and the rest was history.

However, there is sort of a downside from my mom's point of view. It's an exclusive school, which means I would not be able to interact with men which she felt was kind of crucial for me to get into relationships. Well, she did some pros and cons and making me study in St. Scho is more important than whether I will find love or not.

Apparently, the cons seems to be so glaring now that my mom was so desparate for me to have a guy in my life. I mean I don't know what the future holds or the reason why things are still stagnant on that part, but it is what it is. Am I too late to try? Or there is no enough luck for me to pass?

What I can say now was I think I am at the point where I tried everything possible that I never imagined with the last one being the conscious decision on going against something that you decided that you would never done in your life... I mean pre-pandemic I would, but these past year or two, probably not.

They also said you need to create a sense of competition in the dating scene as to not end up settling for something just because you felt there's no other choice..

I think that's what I did, albeit for a very, very short period of time (Hey, at least I tried) lol! I think right now, creating a sense of competition gave me flashbacks on which course to choose from during my graduating year in high school.

If before I could just choose both to appease what I want and what will fill my tummy, I can't do the same thing anymore because that's called infidelity.

You see some people are like a course/degree that is visually unappealing, but if you choose them, you will never go hungry. On the other hand, some courses, while they would give you a sense of fulfillment or joy, it doesn't guarantee that it would also help you feed yourself and eventually your family. Elders would always tell me that choose something that would feed your tummy. A doctor's secretary even told me that I shouldn't fall in love of the idea of studying science subjects just because that one university that gave me an academic placement said that if only you took a course that is not that demanding to the masses, you wouldn't end up lost and to choose another degree on a bunch of list of available degrees based on my entrance test results. Her point was not everyone is like the doctor she was serving who have a long lines of patients and at the same time also love what they're doing. However, most of the people are either stuck with being unhappily full or would be starving happily.

After I told my female bosses my pros and cons about the guys I went out with, my VP asked if barring everything who would I choose? I straightly answered that I would go with someone who could feed my tummy rather than going after someone who will make you happy.

By answering my VP's question, I guess if I had those course flashback with a more matured mind, I think I know which course to choose now if I am only allowed to choose one. Also as I look back to my work now, I cannot guarantee which degree exactly fills my tummy (and probably my luxurious needs) because as much as I wanted to take Mass Communications then choose Marketing Major in Commerce (per my mother's wish), I end up sort of taking a major that I don't want in Liberal Arts - which is Psychology... and I actually end up taking the degree I wanted in Commerce - which is Business and Information Systems Management instead of Marketing. 

What an irony right?

If you are wondering which degree exactly is helping me survive? I cannot give a straight answer because it seems like both of them did their respective jobs and my direct boss didn't see me as someone with two different personalities in terms of what I could bring to the table into the corporate setting. Instead, he saw it as an opportunity to utilize what I have learned in both courses. I guess when someone with a double degree landed on your lap that suits the needs of your company, you can't just ignore their other course and only focus on one. Instead you make use of the opportunity - and I think my boss did.

Seven - Seven

Seven years and seven months ago, I was handed a task from the youngest colleague in our department as she shifted to a bigger task that our department head assigned to her.

I wouldn’t lie that the task is extremely monotonous and I only have to do it every Monday as the main doer of the task reports to work from Tuesdays to Saturdays. Even if the Saturday team found someone to help them and the main doer of the task is shifted back on weekdays, I still do the task because it has been the norm.

For seven years and seven months, I learned to like the task. As someone who thrives on routine tasks, it was one of the things that I somehow look forward to despite the unpredictable nature of my other tasks. It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies on doing this task, there are times where I wanna cry because the companies decided to mass send reports into a particular day that I was assigned to do the task.

Imagine during those years, aside from dealing with what we called the seasonal tasks, I’ve also encountered the mandatory change of phone numbers and contingency plan in the midst of COVID where the number of reports would almost double or even triple.

I would sometimes pretend to cry or wail to the main person assigned to that task and then I would sometimes post it on stories (of course confidential info removed), she would just laugh about it as she knew the surge of reports on that particular season would either fall into her hands or into mine.

To be honest, it has been years already since my COO asked me to let go of the task and other tasks my department asked me of, I was the only one holding on… because I would always say people have a lot on their plate so it’s my way of helping the department as a form of a reliever… and this is one the task that I was holding on to.

As much as it sometimes takes a burden, I actually enjoyed doing it, especially a task that doesn’t require much thinking and would actually make you look productive.

Until the first Monday of December came, My COO and I had a very serious talk regarding my tasks in my department. If I wanted to help the company, I have to let go of the things that were holding me back… let go of the things and entrust to the people who would be better off doing it as you deal with more complicated tasks. Similar to that colleague of mine who handed the same task over to me seven years and seven months ago. Finally, I agreed to let go… knowing that it is for the betterment to let go of some things. I guess one can say that things don’t last forever and one should thrive in change… and if we don’t, we would be stuck and we are not only hindering ourselves to grow, but we are also hindering other people to grow or learn other things.

And so as the last working day of the year concludes, it is time to say my one last goodbye as I entrust the task to the next person who would take care of it… and this means I can now focus on what is ahead of me... particularly the tasks where I could help the company more.

So for seven years and seven months, I am saying my last goodbye to the tasks that despite its boredom and sometimes makes me go cray cray, I eventually learn to like and look forward to.

Wanted: The Perfect Dish

As I was sending a message to my future husband I never knew yet and I am sharing a story to him about someone I know whose heart was shattered into a million pieces by someone he thought would bring him eternal happiness, I realized we can attribute our search for love to finding the perfect dish that suits our palette that we are willing to eat for the rest of our lives.

As we know there are different kinds of dishes. Some harm us, turn us into addicts, make us feel healthy, make us feel happy and satisfied, and probably other positive and negative emotions that would affect our well-being.

The Perfect Dish

They are healthy and they are appealing enough to your liking. I guess this is probably a dream food that you are willing to eat for the rest of your life especially if you know it will make you have eternal happiness and contentment. Like love, this is probably the perfect scenario wherein, you want them in your life, and they would make your life worthwhile for the rest of your life.

The Allergens

We know that it’s unfortunate for some people that they cannot eat everything as they pleased. Even if the mind is telling you that this food is good for their body, it is not. These types of people who come into our lives have good intentions, but for some reason we don’t respond well whenever food enters our bodies - or when it comes to love… our life. It was like you know they are a good person, a capable spouse, but it would affect our well-being or the people around us if we still try to make it work with them.

The Junks

The mind is telling us that if we really want to have them, we can enjoy them, but as people say, always IN MODERATION. However, admit it or not, these foods make us feel so good, give us dopamine rush, and make us happy. We even eat it whenever we want to watch shows or to probably just kill our boredom. Similar to love, these types of people would give us those giddy feelings that if not careful, we would go down peril… aka leading to unhealthy lifestyle or relationship.

Drugs and Alcohol

If there is one thing we know from smokers and any person who is addicted to something, they always say that once you start trying, you won’t stop. I think this is similar to when we already know that someone is a walking red flag. A person or a thing that would do us no good, and yet for some reason there was this part of us that would say, I want to try it, just once… just a bit… then turned into maybe a little more, or twice… until you didn’t realize that it was harming you not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and maybe spiritually. Then you feel like you cannot escape rock bottom that you need to keep on taking it, or being with this red flag person, because that’s the only time you feel high or existent in life… or their life.

Like any form of drugs and alcohol addiction, we need someone to bring us back into reality, but of course that starts with admitting that we need help. Help to get out of the mess we’ve been into. This is where your support system is much needed - to help you get out of your mess… or love mess with a prospective romantic person who caused us physical, psychological and even emotional damage. This also meant you need to do a lot of internal cleaning, maybe being sober for a very, very long time. In relationships, this would mean taking a break, creating boundaries on what kind of people we can tolerate to enter in our lives without losing ourselves and needing to pick up the pieces these people destroyed when they came into our lives.

The Unappealing, but Healthy Dish

Kind of weird that I put this last right? I wanted to put this last because I think this is the core of what I felt that someone I’m referring to in the first paragraph of this blog might be experiencing or encountering right now…

We know that there are foods that are healthy, our internal organs can actually take it, but our five senses and brain cannot phantom for that food to get inside our body. I know whenever we eat unappealing but healthy foods, there is a tendency that our brain is sending signals that they do not like the food, so the tendency we tend to retch, vomit or experience sudden feelings of discomfort. Isn’t this the same as when we meet a person that we are not attracted to? We felt like retching, or pretending to be cool only deep down you want to just run away because your senses cannot take what your brain is sending to them?

Then you have elders who would always say these foods may be unappealing, but it’s good for your health. Some kids would learn to like or eat those unappealing healthy foods as they grow older, some would be so stubborn that they would make sure they wouldn’t try it. In love, I’m sure we encountered a lot of people in our lives especially prospective lovers where they kept on saying they are the ones that won’t bring you misery or suffering in your life, but they know that they are unappealing in the eyes of the majority and sometimes you can’t just live with that.

There are two possible ways for this unappealing food to be loved: Forced if you don’t like it, but you have to because as much as the food is really not delicious, you still have to agree that it brings nutrients to your body. Like love, maybe that person is so unappealing, but they gave you security in terms of emotional, financial, etc. However because you are in a state of no choice (e.g. sick) or lacking any resources to gain access to those appealing but quite expensive dishes, you end up sticking with them. After all, the only thing that technically affects you is your level of attraction to that person. I mean if the person you are most attracted to has the qualities that that unattractive person that came into your life right now, you would even hope and wish that you two would be together forever right?

Then, as you grow older, you’ll realize people who are not allergic to unappealing healthy foods would resort to saying I am going to eat this type of food if it is prepared that way. Maybe when it comes to love or making someone like an unattractive food, maybe we just need to prepare or present them differently. After all, bitter melons are really not delicious, but if they are visually appealing or maybe you add a bit of sugar to combat the bitterness of it, it wouldn’t feel bad at all. I remember when we went out to celebrate my youngest brother’s birthday, my dad ordered liver. My family knows how much I hate eating liver, but that day… mind you I was the one who finished that dish… That dish I sincerely dread. When my dad saw it and I commented that the dish tasted good, he said you know local Chinese chefs have a certain way to prepare the dish that would make it taste good. I guess my point is… maybe we just need to change a tiny bit of ourselves to make ourselves more appealing, more presentable and maybe more tolerable to their senses. After all they said looks are the first thing that people see right? We cannot expect and hope that if only or I wish people would take a chance on us, they wouldn’t regret it at all. Mostly true, but we should know that not everyone has that mindset and not everyone is willing to take a chance on us. If there might be someone who is willing to take a chance on us, it’s rarely the perfect dish, it would be some other form of dishes or substance that would make us miserable.

I guess I would like to say that maybe a lot of us are unappealing, but healthy dishes. But in any unappealing and healthy dish, presentation matters, the way they prepare us matters, and the way we blend with other ingredients matters… I think with the right mindset, the right ingredients and giving our trust to the head chef (which when it comes to love is our Father Almighty), we can be the perfect dish to someone that would give them eternal happiness and contentment.

Parallel Patternistic Pain

Majority of our childhood years until early adult life (for some) are dedicated to school or academe. I know they always say that the real world is outside the four walls of the school. I mean they aren’t lying.

However for some reason I don’t know why I feel that my academic struggles were the same as my love life struggles. I had a fair share of setbacks in my academic life while my love life is probably in elementary or even high school level at the moment where graduating from college is tantamount to getting married or you finally had your first relationship.

So it’s like what are you going through in real-life now, you would remember “oh, this is similar to what happened to me before when I was studying.” Well, what do you expect from someone who has limited to no experience right?

You might be wondering why such a title? Is it painful or something negative? Well probably yes and no.

Yes, because those pain and struggles you have encountered are the weapons or ammunition you need to use in order for you to get up and face yet another tougher challenge on the road. Like in real life, perhaps you could see some patterns from your academic challenges before. Such instance was there was this once subject of mine (Principles of Management) where everybody said it’s an easy A but I got a C just because I got sick two weeks before the finals week and when the Dean learned that I have a dengue, she immediately told my mom and sent a letter to my profs indicating that I am permitted not to attend my last classes.

Maybe one thing I was so overconfident in that subject. I knew my midterm grade was already at A or A- (with A being the highest). I think I was so overconfident that in the middle of pre-finals (the lessons after midterms) I said I don’t even need to take the final exam and will still pass the subject (something like that). Maybe you can charge it to my math crunching obsession of mine to see the unimportant probabilities. In the end, I really didn’t need to pass the final exam, I passed the class, but my grade is C where I knew most of the class probably got an A or A-, which is so devastating on my part. If there was something that you might forever over explain how the heck you got a low grade in such an easy subject? You might wonder if the requirements were easy, don’t be late (even if it’s 7:30 in the morning and you would be going on the other end of the building from the main gate), then the quizzes are so easy (I remember I was enjoying studying that subject and I really memorized them by heart), then the reports or projects are easy too. Then it doesn’t help when I can’t even contest my grade to my professor because he was on a vacation and it’s during semester break when that happened. I was so upset that I would like to avoid him at all cost on every part of the school corridors most especially when I needed to go to the faculty of the School of Commerce because now everytime you see him, the pangs of the painful memories would come back to you knowing that you could have done better than a C if only you didn’t get sick. I don’t know how long it took me to recover, but what I was sure of was I had a hard time getting over this situation over my two major subjects that caused me to delay for 1 year.

Well the difference was my two Psychology professors would also give me a C or a barely passing grade if I chose not to drop it, but I guess one can say that that’s what happens when you were given an option to choose or in a relationship… a closure or understanding of why or based on the situation presented, what would you like to do? So I chose to drop those two subjects and start over without me getting pressured to do well to beat the department’s quota - even if there’s a mark showing you had attempted but “gave up” somewhere along the way. However in this subject, it’s like you were only the best from the start but flunked in the end. Relationship wise: that’s tantamount to saying you are trying to be the best version of yourself at the start of a relationship and a tragic incident that showed the worst version of yourself was the one that defined who you are in that relationship - painful right?

Going back to my Principles of Management professor, somehow in the middle of the succeeding term after that incident, I accidentally crossed paths with him as I left the faculty room and he was about to get up in the same faculty room. I greeted out of respect like how you are supposed to greet any teachers right? The good thing was he asked me how I was and I think the usual ennui mode one would say, you’re okay and he then responded that it’s good to know. Then I think I was okay with seeing him in person whenever I passed by him along the school corridors after that.

I guess if I would associate real-life pouring of love into a person in relation to academics was this: while in my other major subjects I was not only given an explanation, but these professors gave me a chance to choose on the path I’ll take (whether to drop the subject and repeat it again without department probation or get a low grade and go under department probation) even if the professors thought I chose a very dumb path in the end (see blog here). In dating or relationships, you could say that it gave me a chance to start over with the same person even if it meant that there’s an initial strain between the two of you. Meanwhile in my Principles of Management subject, it’s like you know that I was giving you the best version of myself to you, but because of some unfortunate circumstance that was literally out of your control, you are deemed a failure such as all your efforts went down into the drain and that instance would forever mark you as the one who made the mistake why your relationship or getting to know stage didn’t pan out.

Now if I say no, it’s not negative because as I previously said, if pain allows you to grow and get better as you go along, then I guess it means that I now would have a better marker on how things would go from then on. Maybe that subject defined a part of me - but it doesn’t define me totally as a person. I mean it’s just one subject out of the bunch of subjects you took during college.

Maybe… just maybe if I use this as my next marker in terms of relationship/dating, I think I am not going to be alright - but even better. You know why? Because 2.5 years after that fiasco, I got to be a Dean’s Lister. Not only the barely average of B+ but I was above an A- and top 5 of the School of Liberal Arts for that semester which I think is more impressive and it didn’t define me as a whole. Of course let’s not forget that the setback allowed me to be someone I didn’t expect to be - in a positive way. Perhaps what I’m trying to say is maybe I’ll have better results. Would it take less than 2.5 years or not? Who knows, but if we base it on my academic life, it could be.

[Naysayer] Is Everyone Now?

Last year around January or February 2023, I remember when a Spurs Muse account asked people or their fellow Spurs fan which players deserve to be in the All-Star game that year 2023, some people said Tyrese Haliburton. I was like yeah that guy deserves to be there. Then that same account replied back to one of the respondents regarding Haliburton’s case being in the All-star game saying Wally Szczerbiak (a former NBA player turned Knicks color analyst) has something to say regarding Tyrese.

So you resort to putting their names together on Google search to see what happened because I think when Wally said that, I was out of the loop. Lo and behold the Google search results showed that in light of Tyrese Haliburton missing the game-winning or probably game-tying shot against the New York Knicks at the Garden, Wally resorted to saying along the lines of Tyrese not hitting that shot would not make him a case to be in the All-Star game - in fact the trigger word was a “Wanna be All-Star”. He also added that Jalen Brunson and Julius Randle deserve more to be in the All-Star game than Tyrese Haliburton.

Fast forward to April 2023, I watched Bleacher Report’s Youtube Series entitled “Hero Ball” where on one episode entitled “Kings Beam is Under Attack” where it showed that Tyrese Haliburton was trying to sabotage the Almighty Beam at Sacramento (Backstory: Tyrese Haliburton was traded from Sacramento to Indiana Pacers for Domantas Sabonis). Then jumped into the part on the episode where Tyrese attempted to sabotage the Almighty Beam and he entered into the beam where he was able to converse with the Almighty Beam. In the conversation, Tyrese confessed to the Almighty Beam that he tried to destroy him just to prove to everyone in Sacramento that he is not a fake hero. The Almighty Beam responded to him and said “Wally Szczerbiak is everyone now?” He then told Tyrese that he was a hero here in Sacramento, and a hero in Indiana. He also added that doesn’t mean that the Kings (as a team) are shining right now, Tyrese cannot shine. As the Almighty Beam said his final words, he then encouraged Tyrese to find his own beam. The episode rewinds back to the part where he was still attempting to sabotage the Almighty Beam where he realized that he will find his own beam; thus, went back to “the lottery town” or his new team.

The Almighty Beam’s words saying “Wally Szczerbiak is everyone” struck me. Well for one Wally Szczerbiak has somehow a soft spot for me for the reason I don’t know (if I will really, really plan to create a separate blog that was long overdue). Two, the words made me realize that why do we sometimes think that one person’s negative remarks against us already defined us as a person compared with millions of people saying the positive and rightful things to us?

I guess the saying was true when you heard nine positive comments and when you saw one negative comment, you would only focus on the negative comment instead of the nine positive ones that you received.

As much as we hate to admit, sometimes one mistake defines who we are. Such as the girl who was nicknamed “Amalayer”. She trended on social media just because her burst of anger at the heat of the moment to the lady security guard without her knowing that her actions were being recorded by someone and uploaded it on social media. Imagine the world crumbled in front of you just because of that one unfortunate incident. I think that in the end in terms of the story about her, she was able to find a safe space in God’s arms by joining a group where nobody judged her and welcomed her with loving arms.

Maybe that episode on Bleacher Report’s Hero Ball along with dozens of videos, blogs and quotes saying that we shouldn’t let one person negatively influence how the world perceives us. Or in this case in every failure, we were given a chance to redeem ourselves - but it should be in a way where it doesn’t involve hurting other people just to prove ourselves to the naysayers or naysayer.

So like Tyrese Haliburton, if Wally Szczerbiak said he was a wanna be All-star, all you have to do is to prove that you can will your team to win every game. Eventually Tyrese got into the 2023 All-Star game as a reserve. Then comes the 2023-2024 NBA season not only he won the hearts of fans, players and media by voting him in getting the 2024 All-Star Starter nod, but the Indiana Pacers came leaps and bounds by getting into the Eastern Conference Finals which includes eliminating the duo of Giannis Antetokounmpo and Damian Lillard's Milwaukee Bucks in the first round of playoffs and also the Jalen-Brunson-led New York Knicks in the Eastern Semi-conference finals.

For us, maybe we just have to know ourselves very well and know which comments (whether positive or negative), worth taking into heart that only means well for you to improve and which ones are just using you for their own clout or popularity.

Making a Difference

Previously I mentioned that I was so scared of having a child because there’s a huge chance that I would be passing on whatever genetic flaw I have or I am carrying to them. Not only that, my child would be suffering whatever I passed on and also who knows what the child’s father will pass on the genetic flaws from him that I might not be aware of. Then there is the fact that one of you is unaware that you have it or you are a carrier so the chances of your child getting those bad genes are even higher.

I was thinking a lot of crazy things because uncertainty will really make you go mad. In every situation, we eliminate things that would make us at peace so we can move forward. But what if eliminating things that would make your mind at peace with moving forward so you will now have a concrete plan of action with the future partner you’ll be seeing is not pleasing to God’s eyes?

Logically, there’s a way to make your mind at peace. If you already decided that you will not bear any child, then tubal ligation is the way. At probably around 10,000 pesos for the procedure, you can get your tubes tied and you don’t need to worry about bearing a child anymore. 10,000 pesos is kind of nothing compared to what you are going to endure with your kid. Electing this procedure means you already know how things will go. You can say you can’t get pregnant anymore because you got your tubes tied and if you met a man who also has the same interest of not having children, that means you don’t need to worry about making love anytime you want, because you won’t get pregnant anyway.

If you want to have children, but you also want a higher chance to have healthy babies, then In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is the way. Well the problem here is while it increases the chance of a healthy baby, it’s kind of expensive and you are uncertain IF you will end up having a healthy baby… then they said killing embryos is a sin… so…

So you see, if you are a practicing Christian and you were taught that doing these procedures are tantamount to killing or disrupting the process of creating a human being in a natural way, you will be like so how do I get through this mess?

Then for some reason I’ve been drawn to the Story of St. Therese of Lisieux. All I knew before was she was an inspirational child who became a nun at an early age. Then when I read her story, I was amazed that her parents didn’t even plan on building a family. Prior to her parents getting married, Louis Martin, St. Therese’s dad wanted to become a priest, but he was not too well versed in Latin. Then Azélie-Marie Guérin wanted to be a nun, but she was refused because she was sickly. For some reason, fate brought them together and they got married. Just as you thought they immediately wanted to bear children, they both agreed to enter a Josephite Marriage where both of you will be celibate forever despite being married. If not for their confessor prohibiting them from doing so, there will probably be no St. Therese of Lisieux, who has inspired millions and probably billions of people whether alive or dead of the things she did.

Maybe what I’m trying to say is if it was indeed God’s plan for you or me to have a child, whether they are societal healthy or not, he wouldn’t leave you without any decent options right? After all people kept on saying God will not give you a challenge or struggle that he was sure you cannot face right?

Who knows, maybe if it’s in God’s will for you or me to have a child, they will be doing wonders to other people for the years or decades to come.

My Konceptual Dream

 Dear Keldon Dominic (KD),

    I have been thinking what would I name you should we both finally decide that you should come into this world. I’ve been thinking about a lot of different male names and I will be honest while some people make sure there is a biblical meaning or it should sound good, I felt like I am okay with the idea of giving you this name. I would have wanted to do Domantas as your second name, but I think that is too stretched out and honestly, there is no English equivalent of that name that can both mean intelligence or gift from God.

I know Keldon might sound weird in this country, let alone the meaning of your name seems insignificant as it means “Town of the Keels”. I guess there’s what they called inspiration as a basis of naming someone. If ever you decide to come into this world, I always want you to be happy, like you are a ray of sunshine just like Keldon Johnson, even at the midst of trials of their team, he is still the happy lad that you know. I am not saying that you have to pretend to be happy when you are not. Perhaps I want you to appreciate the simple things that come into your life. You know that mommy is always going to be here for you.

However, in this cruel and distrusting world, I don’t even know if I want to bring you into this mess. A part of me doesn't want you to come not because I don’t love you, but instead I knew that because of my genetic issues, there is a huge chance that you would have to endure a lot of pain and including some other environmental factors that we cannot control. I guess when most parents say that if only their children could pass on the pain to them, they would do it in a heartbeat to accept and endure them instead of their beloved child.

Perhaps some people think that depriving you of a chance to be in this world is such a selfish idea as why would I not allow someone to experience life? They kept on saying there is always a risk of having a child, but there’s a lot of fulfillment when it comes to having one. However, these people who keep on saying it sometimes forget that some people aren’t blessed enough to give birth to a normal child even if they already did everything in their power to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The issues that they could pass on to their children does not involve a stigma that is extremely horrifying to the parents if they found out their child had one.

I love you KD, but I don’t know if I would be able to get through this with the world being so cruel right now. I know people say the world is more open right now to the so-called differently abled, but in the community that you will belong to, I am still uncertain because the thing is I have to be one of the silent individuals to pave the road first - such as finding someone who would accept my flaws that I was born with that also belonged in the same community. It’s like if you were born with a dark skin, no matter how much glutathione you inject in your skin, you would still pass on your dark skin traits or vice versa. So you see, even if I get myself treated to be what society perceives as normal, I cannot avoid the fact that there’s a chance that you will get it from me and hiding it from your father would be criminal from my point of view. Nobody wants to feel betrayed by withholding some crucial information, right?

Right now at my age based on the life plan we created in one of our MBA subjects in Graduate School, I said that if I didn’t get married at the age of 29, I wouldn’t give birth anymore because I know once you hit 30s, the risk is higher. I’m 33 now KD, if we are going to be rigid, you will only be my conceptual dream… dream of what you will look like or how you will grow up. However, despite numerous measures on birth control, if God wants you to come into this world, He will bring you to me in His perfect time.

They say that a child doesn’t have the chance to choose their own parents so as an individual, you have to make sure to choose your right partner and eventually a parent for your child. However they also said that the children are God’s gift from above where He might be sending angels to us in the form of children. It is a weird thing to request from you KD, but if you think that everything is going to be fine should you decide to come into this world, I hope that you would be able to help me discern in choosing who would you like to be your father that would not only love us unconditionally but to also help me raise you to be the best possible version of you.

Love,
Mommy