Queen of the Night

As I reached my high school junior year, there are rumblings of this particular activity that they want to commence and it was none other than the Junior and Senior prom (JS Prom). That time everybody chose to have a field trip instead of having a prom on my Junior year, but neither one of them materialized by the end of the school year.

Then came my senior year, at that time my fellow students opt to have a field trip rather than prom. After all, the previous year we didn't have a field trip - let alone in my case where I wasn't able to attend last time because that was the day I learned that my sister passed away which happened to be my 14th birthday too.

For every teenage student, I guess prom was really the supposed highlight of their high school year. Well I guess we can probably blame movies and serieses that emphasize the need of having a prom where every ugly duckling will magically become a princess for or every beast would become a prince charming for one night.

Personally, I really dreaded the idea of having a prom back in high school. Not only I was ridiculed and a laughingstock for having the worst taste in attire among my batchmates, but also I didn't like the idea of wearing clothes or dresses that seemed to be too uncomfortable for me and that includes the high heels. Then you add the dancing part where I was also known as not being a good dancer too. So I really think having a prom during those times will be a receipe for disaster or as some might say "scarred for life".

Fast forward to this year, the community I'm involved in organized a prom event specifically for single Fil-Chi individuals.

A part of me felt like aside from I want to take a break from dating after what I've been through to I don't even have a dress for that event to even if you want to go, buying a dress is so costly on top of the cost for going to the event.

Of course, since I'm buddies with the organizers, they would send me private messages encouraging me to go to the prom. Their pitch was some people never had one, which was true since I also didn't have one. The organizer knew from the get-go what was troubling me from attending the event. So she said I could wear short dress or jumpsuit if I'm not comfortable with wearing a gown let alone a long dress.

During that time, I would admit I was technically cash strapped since I splurged a bit for my birthday celebration for the office plus my uncertainty. Then I am having an emotional or identity struggle in relation to my then suitor. Although it would be cheaper to pay at an earlier date, I just let the early bird rate pass. I mean after all it's better to pay a premium on something you are sure of rather than pay early just so you could save.

After I ended things with my then suitor, I was hoping that my head is clear. I know if I'm going to the prom, I'm just going there to support but not to find a potential spouse. I mean my mom did said that she will finally give me a break on asking me about my love life (but that was only brief after she knew that the threat is no longer imminent I guess).

So I searched online what dress I would like to wear for the event and the first one I ordered, it wasn't the type of dress I've envisioned for a prom as the length wasn't long enough. My mom just said just buy another one besides you can wear it again - and so I did. I did like my second dress since it reached to the floor that I have to actually hold my dress so I could walk properly. 😅

Then I was thinking if I would go all in, I have to do a glam up look, so I went to the hair and makeup stylist I went to when my friend got married pre pandemic. I'm so happy that she was still there after 5 years. I think the rate didn't change too. What was good about this was the stylist's color forte of doing makeup is in the shade of green which was the dress that I was wearing from the original peacock blue.

So the time arrives, and I have to go to the venue already. All dressed up, with the jade bracelet I bought from China and the earrings my mother lend me to wearing a girdle that shocked me that I was able to hook to the tightest part of the body without me feeling comfortable. Well, I really did cut my rice in preparation for this and also discipline on not eating too much pasta nor cooking instant noodles.

To the shocked of some (I guess), I was almost unrecognizable (I had to remove my glasses too). I may have the perfect body when I was in high school, but what I didn't have that time was enough confidence to thrive off negative energy. I guess what's helpful was I went into a world where I could count with my one hand how many schoolmates I met during these events. I mean technically I only met 3 to 4 people and that was it. Nobody knew my past or how I dress, so whatever they saw, that was it.

Honestly, I went into the event thinking and hoping that if the winner gets crowned, he/she deserves it. I knew last year's event was partly a joke and I think organizers even felt it too. That's why I somehow beg to the organizers to at least put a best dressed out there along with Mr. and Ms. Smingle such as who followed the attire so those who made an effort to comply will be rewarded. I knew gunning for the top title was impossible since that's based on popularity vote, so I was honestly hoping if I don't get the [invisible] crown, maybe I could get the best dressed.

Until when they start calling the winners made me realized that they changed the criteria for voting. The population no longer controls the vote, but a committee - and with that, they gave me the title of the Prom Queen.

It was such an unbelievable experience. Maybe some people would be thinking there are better ones, but then some of them would also think of course they would reduce it to the ones who followed the dress code which most of them settled for short dresses. But then I realized, I did my best to be in contention. I did make some sacrifices to lose weight too, which allowed me to fit into my dress despite our helper did some alterations to make the waist of my dress narrower.

For one night, I felt vindicated. I saw the support people around me when they also took my photos and sent it to me. I mean if they wouldn't care, they would just be a bit civil I guess. It's like adult me telling my high school and college version of me as "It's okay, we finally made it. We finally did something that would be unbelievable from the people in the past."

I don't care if some people might scoff that they would fare better, maybe they might but for this night, they chose not to take it seriously, but I did. Like what the organizer said, it was a serious deliberation so whatever the results they discussed, I really deserve to be called a Prom Queen.

The Other Shoe: A Reflection of My Most Recent Courtship

Almost five months ago, I agreed to enter in a courtship with someone whom I barely knew online. Like I said on my previous blogs, this courtship is not something that I planned for [plan meaning that I am into intentional dating and the result was courtship]. In fact during the winding down month of finally knowing that I could do anything I wanted, this guy came along. What I thought was a breaking of a streak of someone courting me turned out to be a continuation on what seemed to be an impossible feat. I mean who would have thought that almost exactly after nine years and six months from the time somebody courted me during my graduate school years that it would come once again? I could actually turn it down and say that I'm on a break, but the how we accidentally got to know each other and despite our contrast in values and priorities, I felt like I have to take a chance so there wouldn't be anymore what ifs along the way. Honestly, I don't know what God's plan was. I think He knew I'm about to give up on finding my future husband and I was very eager on looking forward to do whatever I wanted. After all, that's the reason why I paid quite a huge premium on dating someone on an specific age so I don't need to worry about anything.

I know my mom kept on telling me about how we end up getting our new store where it was a series of hope, then devastation, then the cycle continues until we finally got the place of our own. I think she really felt that I'm on the verge of giving up [on dating and also finding a spouse for me], that's why she kept on mentioning our store story over and over again I guess that probably I wouldn't give up easily by quitting or by settling on something my heart and mind knows wasn't good for me in the long-term.

So to conclude, it didn't pan out they way I wanted to. In fact I ended it. Crazy right? Perhaps you've been wondering why.

If there is something I learned during the courtship that I've been into was that I think it made me asked myself about a lot of things. I felt like I needed a lot to think about, to experience and to feel what are the guys who rejected me were feeling on the other side.

I know prior to this guy and I were dating, I felt like he is going to be the answer to my perennial dating problem. I really told him that whether we end up being together or not. True enough, I think I did get it from him. Maybe I wouldn't be able to get the exact answer from him why he thought the guys that I was dating rejected me, but I felt like I don't need the answer coming from him to know exactly why.

The reason I was saying these things was because it made me think or wonder if the feelings or uneasiness I had towards my then suitor was the feelings that the guys I used to date but got eventually rejected had towards me? I know it's the answer that I wouldn't able to find out as they just always say "let's be friends". I questioned his ability to be a father to our future children as he doesn't have a vision about the child like the only reason he wanted to have a child was to pass on his legacy, his genes. Which made me realized that perhaps that's the reason why these men rejected me - deep down they knew that they probably couldn't see me as a capable mother to their children - and that's okay. I don't think I could see myself to be one too even if a tiny part of me was aching to have one, a part of me that have dreams on what or how I would rear my child.

I think another reason was that, I realized that I was reverting to the ill habits I had towards myself. I remember prior to my mom getting me involved with the matchmaker, wasn't involved in any Fil-Chi community or even dating or getting to know someone, I kept on asking myself as I woke up every morning "what do you want to do today?". I know it sounds silly but I realized that this year alone, I think I only enjoyed myself for like a month or probably less. That break from messaging anyone was enough for me to do the things I wanted to do. If I remember it right, I was able to go to two places on the same month that has nothing to do with the Pilgrim Churches. I think I realized that while I am single on paper, I wasn't acting single the way my life goes around. And I think this was something that would keep on haunting me for the rest of my life if I do not figure it out.

I know most of the guys I was dealing with were always busy or do not want to meet you for whatever reasons until I met this then suitor who was willing to give all the time for you... and you, you end up having to entertain the time that he was willing to allot for you. I know they said that if you want that person, you should try to work it out. I knew he kept on saying that all the girls he courted said the same reasons that we dumped him because we told him we are busy. To be honest, for the first time, I am really busy and I think I don't have enough energy to attend a lot of activities. If I would compare the workload I had pre-pandemic and post pandemic, it was a lot. Like what I told this guy, how I wish I had met him earlier - as in as early as pre pandemic days where my mom even said "Don't I have something to do instead of wallowing into a dating or get to know phase that ended?". This time, I had a lot on my plate - way lot that I've been told that I have to start delegating some of the task.

Too many task that I sometimes forgot what I wanted to do. There are a lot of things I wanted to do, but there's this always you need to address this and that before doing what you want. I realized there are a lot of things I wanted to do, but you have to factor in a lot of factors such as your sleep time, your health etc. I think I knew it all the time why I was sort of not that into getting married fast - because while most of my peers are tired to become single, I am just tired on paper, but not in actuality. They always say that you have to do a lot of things you wanted - get tired of doing it so that when your future spouse come, you would never regret a single thing.

Maybe the courtship allowed me to see what was wrong with me, what was probably the reason I get rejected after one getting to know stage or dating phase to another, and if I don't figure it out, I really think the one for me wouldn't come around. Or maybe they're already there, but I'm probably in a hot mess or way too preoccupied to even notice him. It also tried to reinforce to me what was really important, what you really value and if it was even worth it to give up what you really wanted just to have the happy ever after the world was telling you about.

Looking back, I think this is what happened:

- God will eventually give you what you want. The question is, do you still like it?

I remember I kept on complaining like why was there always lacking in my initial petty criteria? Then they say give them a chance - so I did and end up getting devastated one after another. Until I had enough and as I tried to get closer to Him, my criteria changed. God knows that I wasn't looking for the petty criteria I used to look for (this time, I included Him), which for some people seemed like an even harder criteria.

Then this guy came. He was exactly what I was looking for pre-pandemic. Pure Chinese, taller than me and older than me. A guy who was willing to pursue me and don't need to make me have a hard time in dating. It's all I have ever wanted, but the problem was my heart, my gut and intuition wasn't at peace every time I was with him. It was never at peace the whole time. All because I chose to see if I could manage if God was not put into the equation of our courtship. I mean my mom wouldn't cry that much if she knew it was an okay match. She felt horrible about it - so horrible that she doesn't even want to meet the guy even if he's pure Chinese.

So I really think God was probably putting me into the test if I would bite at the temptation that my desires had yearned for a very long time or stick to what we planned. I think I passed the test if I end it right?

- A promotion at the wrong time.

I know I wrote that I received two proposals in a span of two weeks. One was the courtship and the other was my work proposal.

I think looking back, I felt it wasn't the right time for me to get promoted, but I think the circumstance surrounding to my love life situation felt like God told my bosses to do something about my current salary situation as He probably wanted to teach me a lesson in a way I would remember that I still end up crying about it.

As my boss mentioned the market was dry, like our company doesn't earn much for them to give salary, so why would they have to give me and others. I mean while other people are happy about what they got, I knew deep down mine was in a totally different situation like theirs. I'm happy my other colleagues understood when I told them I didn't initially sign the contract. They may felt like I'm ungrateful, but they knew my contract was different from theirs. They were given an increase but things were the same, while mine was both an increase and a change of status.

Maybe the promotion I had was not going to be a perfect time no matter where you place it on my corporate timeline. If I get promoted based on my highest salary increase, it would probably be unfair to me if I have to be promoted even if I haven't reach the said treshhold. So now what happens was my salary was so close to the threshhold, that they have no choice but to promote me, even if the amount was so small. I guess God probably knew it was going to be an awaful way of celebrating my promotion no matter where he placed it, so He just used it to serve me a lesson. Or remind myself that whatever happens in my corporate life would not be the same as my love life.

I mean it was a quiet celebration. I didn't even treat my colleagues or even my top bosses who I usually go out for lunch on Mondays. I think they knew it was awful and insulting on my part to treat them with both of them knowing how much pesos I only received to be called a boss.

As I wrote this, now I knew why couples were crying as they get married, why guys were shouting on the top of the mountains when they finally got the yes from the girl they pursued. They worked hard for it, and they reaped the benefits of working or fighting for what they wanted.

I just hope that when it comes to love or when I'm married, it wouldn't be a quiet celebration or even a forced celebration just to tell the world, I finally made it even if my mind knows you aren't proud of what transpired. I know they said that you have to celebrate milestones or wins and not broadcast to everyone, but I feel like there is a difference between not celebrating because you wanted to keep it private vs you don't like to celebrate it because it wasn't worth celebrating.

I guess if I had an awful way of celebrating a milestone career wise, I hope that wouldn't happen the same thing if love arrives.

Emotionless Reencounter

Two years ago, my dating life went into shambles. As the song goes first cut is the deepest. This is not a one-date, chat a bit and you never met again scenario. It's a multiple dates on my probably few dating experience in a body that should have the ability to absorb the negative effects of dating such as rejection, ghosting and any other forms of telling you that you are unwanted, disliked, etc.

I tried everything I could probably think of, I guess even sought psychiatric help in navigating through the situation. As I try to find ways to heal myself and move forward from the situation, I was also looking forward on embarking a new path that I had never set foot before. Well I think as you have read my previous blogs, I met him there as I try to move forward somehow trying to forget about him and what he did against me. It's like a ghost came into real life and it shows up on a rainy afternoon and not on an evening where they were the most prominent based on the ancient story or horror genres.

I'll be lying to myself if I said that I should have gotten the said closure, I mean it is what it is whatever he said and like what one of the organizers said, he was in a compromising position wherein he was forced to interact with me, or else people would think that either I did something wrong to him (which I did not) or something horrible happened that it's better not to see face to face about it (which could be true).

I think I already got the closure I wanted last year when I joined the Fil-Chi Catholic Community that has probably been floating around for as long as I could remember but they weren't existent in my lifetime then. It's like making me realized that I had to experience that pain because the pleasure in terms of what my heart was yearning for was finally answered and as I told the story to the one of the new found friends I made, I told her, I think God answered two prayers at the same time. A community where we have the same upbringing and culture, but at the same time sharing the same goal which is to hopefully find our respective spouses. Then a community where it would allow me to practice Catholicism in a place where you are also of the same culture that wouldn't require you to give up one or the other just for sake of belongingness.

Fast forward to 22 months from the time I saw him the first time after he ghosted me, I had a sort of inkling that the event that I was about to go to, he would also be there too. As my new found friends had told me, he was usually present there. Still, I opted to go there because I wanted to know what the Grand Family Association was all about and the fee was cheap for a mooncake dice game so why not?

True enough, he was there as one of the organizers from another group pointed to me that he was there even if I wasn't aggressively searching for him (I was focused on filling out my human bingo card alright only to find out you are not supposed to start filling it out until the hosts told you so). So fast forward a bit, a part of me felt like it's so awkward trying to dodge or not mind someone just because logically they did something to you OR some people might say past is past OR what some people say since they knew that they were at fault, they would just depend on the one who got hurt to approach them. I mean after all, I think it's really harder to approach someone who you hurt than approaching someone who hurt you. I admit there is a tiny bit of nervousness, but I felt like why should I? I wasn't expecting anything in return, it's just that after all whether he chose to put it on the back of his mind to forget about it (aka Inside Out 2) or not wasn't my problem at all and I know for myself it's very awkward on dodging someone. Like I know they said for pride, dignity or maybe they said they want to banish you into their timeline, but you know that was not my problem. That's their problem. Who knows maybe they have those device the Men in Black were using just so your memories will be erased and they totally forget about you. Maybe if such device exists in real-life, we can opt to forget the pain by eliminating it from our memory.

In the end, I was quite fortunate that my mom's former co-teacher and my schoolmate (even if she was batches lower than me) was sitting on the same table as him. So I just talked with this said schoolmate first then gave him a quick hi as they are just one seat apart. After that, I immediately went back to talking to her.

You know what, when I said hi, and he somehow responded back, I didn't feel anything at all. There's no pain, no sort of happiness - or even anger (which is the leading emotion that should be taking over at the moment). Like nothing, well if there was, it's disdain or like disbelief and I said to myself 'what happened to his face?'. I know looks are subjective and he is good-looking in the eyes of our community, which is true but I guess for me I wasn't physically attracted to him in the first place so it would be easier for me to get turned off by his looks especially if things ended on sour note. It happened that my online friend from the US was online and I immediately messaged him that I saw the one who ghosted me at the event and told him what I did and how I felt, he responded saying that "cause I know my worth".

If I could compare myself from how I reacted from 22 months ago vs now, I could not believe that I felt like I was on a 360-degree turn on how I approach the same situation. Like what one of the organizers from another group said, she felt that I was healed and moved on already. I then responded to her and said I realized that they kept on saying that time heals all wounds. It was true to a certain extent, but time can only do so much if we do not do anything about it. It was our decision whether we heal that wound or not. Like one of my colleagues said to me before some questions doesn't always have the answer, but you just have to move forward and take it as it is. However for me, I knew I'm blessed that God allowed me to have clarity in the situation that I was going through. To make me realize that He has to do it even if He knows it would hurt me so badly because He knows that He is going to be there with me during the hard times. It allowed me to grow and maybe mature as a person. Similar to how a parent allow you to fail and fall when you're young as you try to embark on the things that you've never done before, because they knew that if they don't allow you to experience those things, you'll never learn and you would forever become scared on something that was supposed to be peanuts at that point in time.

Who knows what would happen next or if there would still be another next time, but all I can say at that moment was that I didn't feel any emotions especially the negative ones, in fact I was so calm and peaceful after that encounter. Like the previous me 22 months ago would be in disbelief on what had just happened and how I reacted when the situation happened again, but it is what it is. I think I'm okay, because deep down I knew it has to happen and God just used him in order for it to happen. Similar to how God probably used us as His instruments in order to either help someone grow, a key to someone else's answers or healing or probably someone to save us from imminent danger that we are unaware of.

Before I forget, after we did our Pilgrimage at Landmark Makati, my mom told me to shop for shoes as I was shopping, we met another of my mom's co-teacher and we met her son (who was supposed to get paired with me that time but it was just that I'm still studying in college when they attempted to do that so they scraped it off). So I learned that this guy and I sought help to the same matchmaker and it just that his worked out with his now wife and they told us that each of them paid the matchmaker 150 thousand pesos each.

Looking back, since we're talking about the matchmaker who happened to introduce me to someone who eventually ghosted me, I realized I probably dodged a major bullet. Imagine you have to endure paying the matchmaker 150 thousand pesos for the burden that he would give you for the rest of your life? I really think that is not worth paying for.

Replacing Memories

Six years ago, I met a guy who introduced me this place - 張家界 through his stories as he was doing a side gig as a tour guide on top of his family business. During our get to know phase, there was a time where he would be out of the country and would assist the tourists or something like that. He would then show me pictures of the places he went and the activities that he did.

I admit it was a very beautiful place. It became even more famous when the place became the basis of someone's inspiration of a movie directed by James Cameron. So famous and beautiful that when things ended in a somewhat bitter end, it pains me that the place would always makes me remind of him. During that time all I wanted was to go there for the sake of forgetting the place associated with him. I think I could say that I was a bit wrecked that time. I think I tried searching how to go there... it's like there's so many questions that popped in my head on how to even go there and who would be on board with it and I think I was at the stage where I am not confident enough to spend my own money to go there. Then pandemic came, which made travelling even more impossible to achieve and it's also harder to forget a place that was attached to someone since those were just few months off at the start of the pandemic.

Then fast forward to this year where I was able to achieve a lot of things in relation to my travel, then I felt I was more financially comfortable enough that I was ready to spend money to go to a more expensive place such as in Canada. In addition, I met a lot of friends especially in my community. Until one of my friends in the community kept on exploring the different cities in China. That time all I wanted was to go to any place in China as a full-time tourist, not as a tourist who merely get stuck in a dormitory of a university for most of the time of your stay. I subtly tell my friend if there was any tour available if she could introduce me to... then she just told me that she would be glad for me to join her.

Until this trip happened. She asked if I was available on the said travel dates, and I said yes without caring where it was - even if it was in Xiamen where I've been before. After I said I was available on her said dates, I just learned it was in 張家界. How coincidental right? Then what's funny was this friend of mine was also linked with the same guy before we got to know each other and we both know it.

After learning it, I just told this friend, what a coincidence, now I get to replace the memories of what he told me of the place with my experience of going to the place.

Looking back, I'm so happy that the timing was right. I guess we should say that one shouldn't doubt the timing of the Lord. If I probably used my impulse on going there without anybody, without my mom's approval of going there alone or not being able to make your friends spend on something that they are not interested in going, I think it's going to be a disaster overall. I know I ended up spending in China more than what I was supposed to spend in my 11 whole days of stay in Canada due to ending up in compulsory shops that I don't know why I end up buying - hopefully it was worth it in the end. Lol!

Also I realized that everything has to work in God's favor and probably my parents' favor so that I would be able to go there while they would be at peace. I mean my mom doesn't want to allow me to go to the place she doesn't know who I was with. Then it was really helpful that last year's Chinese New Year my mom and I randomly met this said friend and her mom so somehow my mom was able to converse with my friend's mom - I think it was a big factor for them to allow me to go because she was able to meet them in person. So once she allowed me to go to Canada on my own (also knowing that my Ah Ku and Ah Kim are living there), I felt like everything was easy.

Lastly, as much as I am aware at the back of the mind the things the guy I met six years ago said about the place, I was able to see the place in a different light without any trace of the fragments of his experiences that he shared with me. It's basically a whole new experience for me. I am so thankful for the timing. I guess when they say God will give it to you, it just has to be in His time and when you aren't looking for it, that's the time the Lord would probably give it to you and you'll just have a lightbulb moment of "Oh, I used to say that I wanted to go on that place.". Also I think He just want to make sure I get to make the most out of the trip - and I surely did!

Life-Changing Proposals

Last month, as I was about to enter my last tween year in the company that I have ever known in my corporate life, I was on the verge of like having this relief of I will finally take a rest (from dating) after ticking off a bucket list that seemed harder than I thought on the first day of my month anniversary while looking forward to the usual work anniversary that I think I am the only employee who treat the day as if I have a birthday party. 😅

Then as the day goes by, life seemed to surprise me in a dramatic fashion that I never expected in my whole life - all in the same month. I received two proposals that would or could change the status of my romantic and corporate life all in a span of two weeks (if I chose to).

The first was a courtship proposal. Apparently, what I thought was supposed to be my "I am going to enjoy my single life" hurrah turned out to "Just say yes to being in a relationship with me and all the curse you have on top of your head is gone."

I literally had zero expectations that someone would take notice of an outdated post from probably almost two years ago that was pooling respondents so they would have a database of interested participants in the Reddit's Fil-Chi community. I think the post was even more than a year ago when I commented about my profile and I forgot about it. Then of course I knew I needed to open the website again to execute my unfulfilled random bucket list only to find out I left someone unread for 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS! In my defense who knew that someone would take notice on an old comment to an even older post. You get what I mean?

So this guy and I end up chatting with me telling him that I would not last long logging in on the site because I just need to do something without expanding much into details. I was wondering what I would do to him and also wondering how am I supposed to contact the person who agreed on the deal I proposed on Reddit without revealing my actual contact number for privacy's sake? Should I download the Reddit app? I was contemplating on the idea but it would be so messy so I end up deciding to use a burner phone number to give to the person I am contacting for my date for rent. Then as for the guy I left unread, I was contemplating in the sense of if it didn't work out and I found someone for him, I could refer him to someone else and he's pure Chinese too, so that was a plus despite the uncertainty surrounding him based on my personal preference. So I decided to give him my burner number and let him decide if he wanted to contact me or not via Telegram.

To cut the story short, after I executed my date for rent, I end up going out with the guy I left unread for 8 months and he said he will pursue me. It's really crazy that things went fast that in the blink of an eye someone would give you an outrageous offer that could end your no boyfriend since birth, but I admit I had a huge reservation towards his offer - well during the getting to know stage via chat too.

Then two weeks after, another unexpected "offer" came along, but this time it's from my boss informing me that I would be promoted and he was so happy about it even if they haven't printed the official letter yet. In fact, he even extended his hand and congratulated me and I just blindly followed despite him mentioning that the offer wouldn't be that much of an increase. After my boss told me that the offer wasn't that big of a difference compared to when I would be getting paid on my overtimes, my overthinking got the best of me. People whom I shared my concern about informed me to just wait until I receive the formal offer.

When I received the offer from my department head, I wasn't happy with what was written. Maybe if nothing would change, I would immediately sign that offer without thinking twice - even if that means just a peso increase. I told her that I would think about it because the offer is between what I was hoping to my "grand welcome" to a new chapter of your corporate life (via promotion) and the nightmare offer that would only give me the amount to meet the threshold (just so they don't pay me any overtime and holiday pays anymore) that I would immediately reject should it came true. If we do the math, that wasn't even the median offer. They kept on saying that they aren't inhumane to give me that for the sake of saving money, but they also told me that it was a drought season that's why they cannot be generous enough. When I told my boss that I said I am going to think about the offer, he talked with me asking why. I told him that the offer was anti-climactic since I knew some of my colleagues received a huge increase when they got promoted to signify that they are being welcomed into a new era of their corporate life. I even told him that they used to give me an increase that was higher than what was currently being offered and I wasn't even promoted that time. I mean if based on the amount I received that time signify that I get promoted, I wouldn't complain about it because for me I think that would signify a huge welcome for me to a new era.

I know it might be petty for some, but for someone who never got promoted in their corporate life, it was such a big deal for me. For some, most of them got their first promotion in less than five years. However for someone whose position does not have a path, it's either you go to another company or you just stay content with what you have knowing that nothing would change no matter how well you perform. Sometimes when people learned that I never got promoted since I started working and when they followed it up with if you get increase and replied yes, they would say you know you are better off like that than to get promoted.

Honestly, I cried about it because I felt like you've waited for so long only to feel that you were taken for granted. Then the guy that was currently pursuing me right now wasn't helping my cause at all that's why the tears I had on the work proposal I received became even more emotionally unbearable because it's tantamount to saying should I also accept the guy's proposal to be my boyfriend despite the issues that I noticed all because the dating market is dry just so I can tell the world that I am no longer single?

When my department colleagues saw me talking with our VP, they were congratulating me, but I just informed them that I didn't sign yet. I was glad that they understood that I wasn't being ungrateful on what was given to me, they knew that it was not an ordinary or typical offer. In fact it's a life-changing one in terms of the corporate ladder set-up.

After talking with my colleagues who stayed in the company longer than me, my boss explaining the reason and my friends, they just told me that it's better to accept it because salaries don't get lower. As for my fellow colleagues, they said that I am lucky enough that I got the position faster than anyone else in the department. When I asked my fellow colleague who I knew was already an assistant if how long she waited before she got into where she is now, she said it took her longer than I was. Then she said the year that she got promoted was the year where everybody got a huge increase, it was just that she already went past the threshold of a certain level when they gave her that increase. As for me when the jump happened, the jump wasn't high enough for me to get past the threshold to another level. By the time the next round of increase came, it came at an unfortunate time where there was a drought, at the same time I was at the borderline to the next level and the jump was enough for me to be considered to be at the next level. Like my college friend who worked in HR in another industry told me, it happen sometimes where you only get a little increase when you got promoted just because you were on the borderline before.

In the end, I just signed it - with a twist where I recorded myself together with my stuffed animal because I think that was the least thing that they could do to appease me in such an unfortunate situation for me right? Like if you can't make someone happy with the increase that they hope for, at least allow them to do it on their terms without violating their privacy as an individual - I am also glad that they decided to change the title of my position because it's kind of weird if I would still get the same title and not get paid with overtimes and holiday pays anymore. After all they promised that nothing would change except the pay. That they wouldn't torture me with more unpaid holiday work and overtime and they said you've been doing what an assistant manager has been doing already - it was just that the time wasn't right back then. This time it was right. After all, the multipliers of possible bonuses would now be based on your current salary not your previous one. Every peso counts.

After the dust has settled in terms of my corporate proposal, I think when I look back, I realized that I think I should be happy that things happened not the way I hoped for. I always feel like my love and work life have the same pattern, so similar that I received the offer on the same month. If there is something I learned here was that maybe I shouldn't like put too much stock on the trajectory of my love life into my work life. Maybe as soon as I received the love proposal from someone, God probably intervened and told my bosses to give a salary increase to some of my co-departments including me - well so rushed that maybe it wasn't as high as I wanted to be. 

However, I think it was the best because it allowed you to re-evaluate your worth based on the offer that was given to me. I know as of now I haven't responded to the love offer as I was still on entertaining mode since it made me realized that signing the offer as an assistant manager despite the minimal increase doesn't mean I should say yes immediately to the guy that was willing to adjust for me just because there was no other guy who was interested in pursuing or dating me. If I would put my work in terms of dating it's a matter of you are already giving the guy a girlfriend experience but sometimes with pay if it was too much work, it was just that this time you both agreed to be in a relationship, the difference was you would still do the same to him but you do not get paid this time for the extra services within the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anymore. As for the dating proposal, I cannot say the same thing, because that was a whole different area. I think I already know what would happen, but maybe I could be wrong or if he probably read this, he would figure it out. Anything is possible, but for now - I guess I would be enjoying the moment whether in work or in love as I go onto my next adventure.

Date for Rent: The Reality Behind the Process

When my mom kept on asking me what was the Chinese Zodiac sign of this guy and that guy I dated, I was like thinking, why don't I make a tabulation because I felt like I haven't dated a lot of guys for me to lost count and still tabulate it? As I made a tabulation, I end up not dating two Zodiac signs with one I haven't recorded as we haven't met that time (but we eventually did and it didn't work out).

So fast forward, I realized why do I need to sulk in my singleness while my in a relationship or married friends are enjoying the time of their lives with their special someone? Besides I could experience what they are experiencing anytime I want, but they cannot experience the ones I'm doing anymore because for them that's tantamount to cheating.

Then comes the lightbulb moment. I realized I would be technically alone in Canada with no parents or friends in tow all the time in the day, so I was like why not date a Canadian resident or citizen there? So I told myself, if I was able to date one, I would complete the missing Zodiac by finding a way on how to get them to date me - and I also did that there. So now, all I need was to find any guy with that specific Zodiac sign to date me and I would really take a rest from dating or opening the dating app and be like carefree.

Honestly, finding the missing Chinese Zodiac was harder than I thought. I guess they said when you are looking for a specific thing, it looks like finding a needle in a haystack that you don't know where to find. Or you thought it was a surplus only to find out once you want or need it, it becomes hard to find. I tried online dating apps and matched the guys who are interested in me based on the age I was looking for, asked some friends if they know someone and even the organizers of our community. However, they have various reasons such as they have repercussions on how would the community react upon it such as you'll be a source of talks in their mini group chats, then there is the stigma involving money since doing that would make you look desperate and also they would think anything that involves money is a scam too - especially that easy. Maybe similar to what some random senders are asking us that if you like three posts from an online shopping website, you'll get 160 pesos as a head start. Then there's people who might say they cannot find anything but maybe they don't feel like looking or maybe they think I am joking with what I said.

I guess there is where being a researcher at work comes in very handy. Based on what the feedback of the people I confided with told me, I knew I just have to get something done in an anonymous way, but still open for contact and somehow get ready to get blasted by the audience in a way. So I realized, what if I post on Reddit?

Posting on Reddit was no easy feat too. I don't know where to actually post it. Do I post it on ads, do I post it for single, or even for one night stands? It's like I don't even know where to categorize and the last thing you want to happen was to violate some community rules that I was never aware of. I knew I had some annoying instances at Monopoly Go where they were so strict with it and banned me for 24 hours or what for failure to comply with group chat rules. So what I did was to message the moderator of a sub-reddit group explaining what I wanted to achieve and inquiring about the mechanics. Thankfully the moderator was accommodating and just emphasized the requirements I need to fulfill so that they could approve the post I wanted to create.

Now on to creating one. My mind knew what to post - I just got to make sure that nothing slips out because if I am going to "invest" on this thing, I better not screw this up because it would be very painful as it would cost a lot of money even if it's probably worth my day's salary - but still.

So onto posting (and the moderator approved of it). I am not sure what to expect. All I hope was there's one guy who is qualified because I wanted to get it done so I can take a rest from dating and do whatever I wanted that has nothing to do with romance.

I got a few messages but at least there is traction, interest or curiosity involved. However, there are technically two guys qualified, one who was really looking forward for the free food and the other don't want the incentive part, but wanted the authentic connection. Since the first one who was interested in food messaged first, I confirmed that he was indeed born on the year I was looking for. After further inquiry, I already set a date to meet him.

I did meet him albeit he was almost an hour late, but it doesn't matter to me even if it would normally piss me off - after all I needed him to complete my Chinese Zodiac so who am I to complain?

So after I met him and gave my dues, here's what I realized during the process of finding the missing Chinese Zodiac sign until I met the said guy:

People want connection:

At first I thought that people are after the money, that's why I placed some sweetener in the hope that somebody would bite.

Well technically only one bit on the exact offer, but what was quite disheartening was the fact that the people who sent me a message were saying they wanted to meet me even in the absence of money.

I am saying this because it seems like people are having a hard time to find a constant someone to chat with. Someone even begged if I could reconsider seeing him even if they are not included in my age range. My heart just sank because deep within me, I know that I would just be fooling them because most likely whoever I'll be meeting will be a Filipino of blood and I knew that I wasn't looking for long-term so it's quite unfair to them. Additionally, paying for the service even if they have to treat it like an actual date was less troublesome because I would be paying for their meal and the incentive for meeting me.

Anything that's too good to be true looked like scam

I just realized that putting too much premium might look like a scam. Like what the missing zodiac guy said, as much as there is money involved, he was actually quite scared of the tradeoff that he would need to give up. He even joked if I would "kill" him.

I did assured him and also on the community I posted that it wasn't a scam... And I really made sure I have brought the said cash along as to know that I am not going to deceive anybody.

Scrutiny will only happen if you are at the wrong market

I know my fellow Filipino-Chinese would probably make a side-eye or your post will be subject of teas to a bunch of group chats as it seems like the group chats would only be alive if you guys are talking about something.

Perhaps one reason why some Fil-Chi organizers are scared of my idea.

However, posting on Reddit where there are a lot of Filipinos, wanted to do a lot of side hustles, and probably the adventurous types, there might be skepticism, but at least I was able to get some positive feedback where they wished me luck and while for others they are curious and how they wished they are qualified to the age range I was looking for.

Conclusion

In the end, I think there is nothing regrettable about what I did and I think I might do it again if something piqued my curiosity. I think it showed how sad our world is where people are craving for authentic connection but I guess we might be a bunch of superficial beings. That's why I wanted it to be a paid one because recovering from emotional connection then the need to force cut it off would be a very painful one.

However now I already ticked something off my bucket list that I've been searching for the past two months, I can't wait for the month to end and I would take a break from dating/getting to know people. After all, it's fun if you could try to achieve something else that has nothing to do with dating - you can be more productive instead of setting aside time to meet them only to realize a few dates in that things won't materialize and you're back to square one.

What Dating a Single Dad Taught Me

One of my friends sent me the conversation she had with her boyfriend, after informing him that one of the guys they are rooting for me did not work out, that maybe I needed to change my dating strategy.

I honestly don't know what he exactly meant because if there is a strategy I changed was my criteria on what I look for in a man. I realized around last year that the height may not as bad as I thought it was and decided to double down on still being pure Chinese and hopefully a practicing Catholic because like what I've been telling my online friend who lives in Brooklyn that I am not going to repeat some history. I felt like if I would still be thinking the same damn things that would worry or freak me out, I would be stuck in the peril of unwanted thoughts and things that hasn't happen yet.

I was thinking okay since everybody's main concern/priority was having kids which I felt I wasn't confident to give them based on my situation, what if I go after a single dad? After all they wouldn't want to have any other kids right on top of what they have right? I was also thinking the kids might be fine as long as the step-mother doesn't desire to have her own children with their father right?

So after my encounter with the single dad on our date, here are my learnings and realizations:

They have more leverage than you thought:

If there is something I was kind of blindsided about was I underestimated them so much while forgetting the biology of the men specie. I was thinking that if a woman is a single mother, she would have less leverage in choosing men just because she has kids in tow, then maybe I could think the same way as a single dad. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I am not sure if it's because it's only a one-time situation where I didn't have any basis?

I realized they have more leverage as a single dad especially if you are the one who desires kids. Maybe most people thought that if a single dad have kids, they are okay to having more kids. It's true that they might want another kid, however they are not as pressured as a single childless woman would. For a man their life is technically complete and for their sexual needs, all they need is to find someone who can fulfill their itch from time to time.

Gender Bias is for Real:

While waiting in line to pay my community tax, a marshal assigned on our line was entertaining us by telling us stories of whatever. What he told us shocked me. He said something along the lines of saying it's much more painful for a woman to cheat on a guy than vise versa because if a woman cheats on his man and got pregnant, there is an evidence.

I guess there's the saying that we can't beat Biology. That when women aren't careful with their bodies when engaging in pre-marital sex, they're screwed. Unlike men, they can escape responsibility if they want to.

Then add to the fact that when this guy I went out with said being a single dad is actually an advantage because it shows that he was willing to own and raise the kids - that people would perceive him to be responsible.

While women, they were not praised if they're responsible in rearing kids without the father of her children. It was an expectation and her children being fatherless or an absentee father would reduce the chance of her finding the love she deserves all because society thinks single mothers are a burden while single dads are a privilege.

You'll be on a losing stick if you chose not to have kids with him:

Dating this guy made me realize and thinking of the possible set-up if I would choose to be with him made me realize that if I don't want to have kids with them because I am scared as crap of whatever I would be passing on and be content to be a stepmother and not a mother, I would be on a losing stick while he gets all the benefit the world has to offer.

Imagine that his kids has their figurative mother already, the kids don't need to worry about evil step mother favoring her own child over them. Then the dad of the kids can have his needs fulfilled then he doesn't need to spend more things on top of the needs of his children, I be like so what is it for me?

I know they said that one shouldn't treat marriage as transactional, but what if these men are exploiting that they have something you truly desire (which to be loved), but you need to give up or sacrifice a lot just to be with them right?

You're the pig in the relationship while they're just the chicken:

I think this is similar to the second statement, but if we know the concept of the ham and egg in group projects or relationships, you might get the idea. I first learned the concept in our Systems and Analysis Design subject where they describe the ham and egg which it entails that in order to have that ham and egg, the pig would have to give a part of its body while the hen just contribute without losing any part of her body.

Basically:

pig = commitment

egg = contribution.

This is a very unfortunate situation if you are unmarried and childless. It's like these men would just do the bare minimum using the children as an excuse while a single childless woman have to bend on every request or demand of the guy just to get the "love" that they are giving.

Besides what if you were willing to be the pig in the relationship in the hopes of him being a pig soon, but he refused to be a pig because it's fun being a hen? That's going to be a double whammy for a girl.

I am worth so much more (despite of my perceived flaws)

I think if there is a very eye-opening in what I went through was is this how worthless I think I am that I am going after a single dad who didn't believe in marriage and just wanted to have a constant someone to take their itch away from them anytime they want so they wouldn't be labeled as a male version of whore?

I knew my situation that I am dealing with right now is already crappy enough that I am not sure how I would get through it, but I realized that you know what even if I have an unpleasant situation that would make men run as far as they could, I am worth so much, much more.

I was like why would I go after a single dad if I could just find someone who never had his own kids and would never desire to have one in the near future? I'm sure there are a lot of men like that. I just have to find where is that guy.

Conclusion:

If you were wondering what happened, I ended it because I realized that as much as he was honest and upfront about his proposal, it was something I felt my conscience couldn't fathom based on what he wanted to do. Like what my online friend told me, he felt that I have a perennial problem when it comes to dating. I realized I felt like an old record to him that I kept on saying after every guy with more than one date I'm with fall apart that I had this gut already that it won't work, they just ended it first.

This time, I didn't let it naturally end, I really end it clearly because what he wanted was way out of my principles and values. I know that there will be someone out there for him who could fulfill his desires, but not someone like me. I know I don't have a lot to offer in the eyes of what the world deem the men need, but that doesn't mean I would allow my conscience to eat me on my waking life just to have that love that I don't even know if it would last to eternity.

I mean how much are they willing to pay to keep my sanity and peace intact?