Almost five months ago, I agreed to enter in a courtship with someone whom I barely knew online. Like I said on my previous blogs, this courtship is not something that I planned for [plan meaning that I am into intentional dating and the result was courtship]. In fact during the winding down month of finally knowing that I could do anything I wanted, this guy came along. What I thought was a breaking of a streak of someone courting me turned out to be a continuation on what seemed to be an impossible feat. I mean who would have thought that almost exactly after nine years and six months from the time somebody courted me during my graduate school years that it would come once again? I could actually turn it down and say that I'm on a break, but the how we accidentally got to know each other and despite our contrast in values and priorities, I felt like I have to take a chance so there wouldn't be anymore what ifs along the way. Honestly, I don't know what God's plan was. I think He knew I'm about to give up on finding my future husband and I was very eager on looking forward to do whatever I wanted. After all, that's the reason why I paid quite a huge premium on dating someone on an specific age so I don't need to worry about anything.
I know my mom kept on telling me about how we end up getting our new store where it was a series of hope, then devastation, then the cycle continues until we finally got the place of our own. I think she really felt that I'm on the verge of giving up [on dating and also finding a spouse for me], that's why she kept on mentioning our store story over and over again I guess that probably I wouldn't give up easily by quitting or by settling on something my heart and mind knows wasn't good for me in the long-term.
So to conclude, it didn't pan out they way I wanted to. In fact I ended it. Crazy right? Perhaps you've been wondering why.
If there is something I learned during the courtship that I've been into was that I think it made me asked myself about a lot of things. I felt like I needed a lot to think about, to experience and to feel what are the guys who rejected me were feeling on the other side.
I know prior to this guy and I were dating, I felt like he is going to be the answer to my perennial dating problem. I really told him that whether we end up being together or not. True enough, I think I did get it from him. Maybe I wouldn't be able to get the exact answer from him why he thought the guys that I was dating rejected me, but I felt like I don't need the answer coming from him to know exactly why.
The reason I was saying these things because it made me think or wonder if the feelings or uneasiness I had towards my then suitor was the feelings that the guys I used to date but got eventually rejected had towards me? I know it's the answer that I wouldn't able to find out as they just always say "let's be friends". I questioned his ability to be a father to our future children as he doesn't have a vision about the child like the only reason he wanted to have a child was to pass on his legacy, his genes, which made me realized that perhaps that's the reason why these men rejected me - deep down they knew that they probably couldn't see me as a capable mother to their children - and that's okay. I don't think I could see myself to be one too even if a tiny part of me was aching to have one, a part of me that have dreams on what or how I would rear my child.
I think another reason was that, I realized that I was reverting to the ill habits I had towards myself. I remember prior to my mom getting me involved with the matchmaker, wasn't involved in any Fil-Chi community or even dating or getting to know someone, I kept on asking myself as I woke up every morning "what do you want to do today?". I know it sounds silly but I realized that this year alone, I think I only enjoyed myself for like a month or probably less. That break from messaging anyone was enough for me to do the things I wanted to do. If I remember it right, I was able to go to two places on the same month that has nothing to do with the Pilgrim Churches. I think I realized that while I am single on paper, I wasn't acting single the way my life goes around. And I think this was something that would keep on haunting me for the rest of my life if I do not figure it out.
I know most of the guys I was dealing with were always busy or do not want to meet you for whatever reasons until I met this then suitor who was willing to give all the time for you... and you, you end up having to entertain the time that he was willing to allot for you. I know they said that if you want that person, you should try to work it out. I knew he kept on saying that all the girls he courted said the same reasons that we dumped him because we told him we are busy. To be honest, for the first time, I am really busy and I think I don't have enough energy to attend a lot of activities. If I would compare the workload I had pre-pandemic and post pandemic, it was a lot. Like what I told this guy, how I wish I had met him earlier - as in as early as pre pandemic days where my mom even said "Don't I have something to do instead of wallowing into a dating or get to know phase that ended?". This time, I had a lot on my plate - way lot that I've been told that I have to start delegating some of the task.
Too many task that I sometimes forgot what I wanted to do. There are a lot of things I wanted to do, but there's this always you need to address this and that before doing what you want. I realized there are a lot of things I wanted to do, but you have to factor in a lot of factors such as your sleep time, your health etc. I think I knew it all the time why I was sort of not that into getting married fast - because while most of my peers are tired to become single, I am just tired on paper, but not in actuality. They always say that you have to do a lot of things you wanted - get tired of doing it so that when your future spouse come, you would never regret a single thing.
Maybe the courtship allowed me to see what was wrong with me, what was probably the reason I get rejected after one getting to know stage or dating phase to another, and if I don't figure it out, I really think the one for me wouldn't come around. Or maybe they're already there, but I'm probably in a hot mess or way too preoccupied to even notice him. It also tried to reinforce to me what was really important, what you really value and if it was even worth it to give up what you really wanted just to have the happy ever after the world was telling you about.
