Dear Keldon Dominic (KD),
I have been thinking what would I name you should we both finally decide that you should come into this world. I’ve been thinking about a lot of different male names and I will be honest while some people make sure there is a biblical meaning or it should sound good, I felt like I am okay with the idea of giving you this name. I would have wanted to do Domantas as your second name, but I think that is too stretched out and honestly, there is no English equivalent of that name that can both mean intelligence or gift from God.
I know Keldon might sound weird in this country, let alone the meaning of your name seems insignificant as it means “Town of the Keels”. I guess there’s what they called inspiration as a basis of naming someone. If ever you decide to come into this world, I always want you to be happy, like you are a ray of sunshine just like Keldon Johnson, even at the midst of trials of their team, he is still the happy lad that you know. I am not saying that you have to pretend to be happy when you are not. Perhaps I want you to appreciate the simple things that come into your life. You know that mommy is always going to be here for you.
However, in this cruel and distrusting world, I don’t even know if I want to bring you into this mess. A part of me doesn't want you to come not because I don’t love you, but instead I knew that because of my genetic issues, there is a huge chance that you would have to endure a lot of pain and including some other environmental factors that we cannot control. I guess when most parents say that if only their children could pass on the pain to them, they would do it in a heartbeat to accept and endure them instead of their beloved child.
Perhaps some people think that depriving you of a chance to be in this world is such a selfish idea as why would I not allow someone to experience life? They kept on saying there is always a risk of having a child, but there’s a lot of fulfillment when it comes to having one. However, these people who keep on saying it sometimes forget that some people aren’t blessed enough to give birth to a normal child even if they already did everything in their power to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The issues that they could pass on to their children does not involve a stigma that is extremely horrifying to the parents if they found out their child had one.
I love you KD, but I don’t know if I would be able to get through this with the world being so cruel right now. I know people say the world is more open right now to the so-called differently abled, but in the community that you will belong to, I am still uncertain because the thing is I have to be one of the silent individuals to pave the road first - such as finding someone who would accept my flaws that I was born with that also belonged in the same community. It’s like if you were born with a dark skin, no matter how much glutathione you inject in your skin, you would still pass on your dark skin traits or vice versa. So you see, even if I get myself treated to be what society perceives as normal, I cannot avoid the fact that there’s a chance that you will get it from me and hiding it from your father would be criminal from my point of view. Nobody wants to feel betrayed by withholding some crucial information, right?
Right now at my age based on the life plan we created in one of our MBA subjects in Graduate School, I said that if I didn’t get married at the age of 29, I wouldn’t give birth anymore because I know once you hit 30s, the risk is higher. I’m 33 now KD, if we are going to be rigid, you will only be my conceptual dream… dream of what you will look like or how you will grow up. However, despite numerous measures on birth control, if God wants you to come into this world, He will bring you to me in His perfect time.
They say that a child doesn’t have the chance to choose their own parents so as an individual, you have to make sure to choose your right partner and eventually a parent for your child. However they also said that the children are God’s gift from above where He might be sending angels to us in the form of children. It is a weird thing to request from you KD, but if you think that everything is going to be fine should you decide to come into this world, I hope that you would be able to help me discern in choosing who would you like to be your father that would not only love us unconditionally but to also help me raise you to be the best possible version of you.
Love,
Mommy
