I have been wondering why did you come into my life at such a weird time. If you're going to be just another stopover in my series of stopovers until I reach my final destination, what are you going to teach me? It's going to be three months soon that I get to know you. Mind you this is not during the actual pandemic lockdown wherein you couldn't see each other so you gotta invest in written communication. So seeing you in person would be possible. If I use this as a barometer of the guys I went out with pre-COVID, you would probably be the longest guy I communicated and met.
And last night or at dawn, I just realized what my dream meant two nights ago. I realized that this is not directly something to do with you literally teaching me something that would again lead me to get hurt in order for me to learn the harsh reality. I realized that because you present a different angle compared the guys I met before, you are making me feel or realize things that I have or couldn't imagined that would happen to me.
I have always thought that I was the better one between me and the guy I was then seeing. Then you came and I realized that every advantage I thought I had was now gone. But the funny thing was despite losing the advantage and with me dropping the crucial bomb that would make anybody ran away in my opinion, you chose to choose to still see me (thought I'm not sure if dropping the deal-breaker bomb would make you ran away and never see me though - to be determined). You indirectly taking away the advantages I get used to, which made me vulnerable. It's like I experienced unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I never had before. It's like you've unlock an aspect of myself that I didn't know that I had problem to deal with.
So right now, this is not a matter how would you treat me because I realize whatever you were thinking or planning would not solve my insecurities or the thoughts that were troubling me. Only I can figure this out, I have to find ways how to improve upon this because whether I end up with you or not, if I don't give myself enough assurance, confidence and love to myself, whatever you or somebody else would offer me would be worthless.
This is now a battle of my negative thoughts and feelings and how to make me see that despite my perceived advantages being taken away by you, there must be something you saw in me that I might never understood until I get enough courage to ask - and also if we reached a point in time wherein things go well.
(To be Continued)...
